First Assignment for VoodooMan

[Dragon's muse]

i like it, very nice. Good characterizations, and a nice steamy BJ. Nicely put together, good flow and nice pacing.

I ratify all the nits found by my Jr. Grammar Nazi, First Class, Rahbbi. Maybe just a few more tiny things. All in all a fine effort.

i will get your next assignment posted today or tomorrow.

Construct a short story/scene/chapter with the following opening.

Robert's patience was growing thin; his deep voice had a cutting edge.

"Karen, is all this drama really necessary? You either want to go or you don't."

[COLOR="Red"]Robert, having been dressed for a while, sat on the bed watching Karen’s metamorphosis (slightly awkward, Maybe try Robert sat on the bed, already dressed, watching Karen's metamorphosis./COLOR].


It also served to confirm (simplify to "confirmed"his feeling that it was time for a change. The incestuous, cult-like BDSM community that (delete -- the word that is almost always unnecessary; regard it with grave suspicion) they'd been a part of for the last few years had become as much of an aggravation as a source of enjoyment.



When she stood, Robert uttered the phrase that had become part of their pre-game ritual.

"Oh most gracious of Beings, My Queen..."

Karen purred and kissed him gently on the cheek. It was a lyric from a song that had become a joke between them. (i would rephrase this to, The song lyric had become their private joke. Reciting those words aloud (delete -- how does one recite silently? was the closest thing to a gesture of submission she'd ever get from this beast of a man. It was his odd way of saying that in her exquisitely transformed state;(change to a dash black wig, corset and boots adorning porcelain-colored flesh, (change to a dash) she looked ready to rule the planet (or at least to rule (delete -- since this is parenthetical, there is no need ot repeat the verb)all the other creatures of the night at the local fetish club).



The ringing of the cell phone startled them both. Karen kept sucking like the good little girl she was while Robert glanced down at the name on the screen.)
‘Trouble’ was the name that popped up.

He (maybe simplify to "chuckled wickedly"before saying (delete -- unnecessary), "It's your little girlfriend, but don’t you dare stop what you’re doing.”




He maneuvered the car into the club’s parking lot. Moments later, after switching off the car, Robert groaned as he blew his load (colloquialism like this one are usually better left to dialogue)into Karen’s waiting mouth.


She was a complete wreck; (this should be either a colon or a dash) long black mascara streaks down both cheeks, cum drooling from her lips to her chin.


Finally the two women pulled away slightly from one another and turned to Robert, who was staring in wondrous delight. Karen and Amanda looked at him and (delete this bit, unnecessary noticed the proud smile on his face.