Um - I'm not sure I'm supposed to do this... but not being sure about something rarely stops me!

Tessa, firstly, great story and good re-write.

Secondly, everyone, great feedback. I'm learning a lot from reading your destruction, sorry, constructive criticism of this, and from Tessa's re-working of it.

But... I had some nit-picks. So - hell, why not!

I don't know how to do the partial/multi-quote thing properly, so I'll just do copy & pastes.

"I very deliberately wiggled the panties between the crack of her ass"

It struck me that you would wiggle them up or into the crack, or between her cheeks. I'm not sure you can wiggle something between a crack.

I smelled her fear. It snaked up between us and sliced into me as deeply as my blade could into her flesh.

Probably just because I'm a lazy reader, but I had trouble with that. I recognise that you have taken what you said originally and made it a much more powerful image, but the change in subject between the knife - on which my attention was very, very focussed - and the fear threw me. In fact, I missed it altogether and had to go back and read that bit again. I wondered whether it would be more evident to the reader if you gave the fear a bit more space. I thought about,

"I smelled her fear snake up between us. It sliced into me as deeply as my blade could into her flesh."

Or 'as it snaked' may be better.

That also then allows an easy transition back to the focus on the blade.

Or even just 'I could smell her fear.'

Hope you don't mind me putting my two p'ennorth in, especially when I have sooooo much work to do on re-writing my post which wasn't even my assignment proper...