LOL
Really moptop, I like the story. But as you will learn under ruby's fine tutelage writing is about rewriting.
My assignment for ruby was a real struggle for me, and I share about that struggle here:
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9676
Read the second post first and you will see what I started with, and after almost 300 revisions I came up with what is in the first post. It is hard, but worth it.