My return / Doubts about BDSM

[Ayla Silver]

Hello all. -waves- You may or may not know me. I was a member of this forum a while back...and I haven't been back in quite a while.

I've had a...rough year. An understatement, to be sure. Let me rephrase - it was one of the toughest years of my life...issues with my family, issues with my now ex, issues with my career....you get the picture. I'm not apologizing for the events that kept me away - most of them I couldn't control - but I am sorry for leaving without any notice. I had meant to give an explanation for my absence early on, but I kept putting it off. I guess part of the reason was that I started having doubts about BDSM itself.

For years I've ignored it when people said it was "wrong" and "perverse". Maybe those comments finally started to leak in. I started wondering if maybe BDSM /was/ wrong and...I had doubts. I'm over it now, for the most part (couldn't stay away for long )...has anyone else ever had periods of doubt? Ever?

Anyway - hi to any of those who knew and remember me. Hope you'll forgive me. And I suppose this serves an an introduction to those who have no idea who I am - probably most of you. I'm just your average, spunky little sub.

[annie]

hi Ayla... don't know you but glad you are back!

As to periods of doubt BDSM...

i have had those several times. But, each time i try to pull away i discover that i need what it provides for me to be ... well... me.

So no matter what some may say... i would rather be ME then experience a fake exsistance....

[Ozme52]

HI Ayla,

Welcome back!! I not only remember you, I remember some of your fine characters.

Thinking about Naba and Claudia.

[Ocean_Soul]

I have had doubts for sure.

First is actually finding someone because there don’t seem to be many subs out there my age. And the ones that are my age seem to be willing to take anyone up to 50 years old and there are plenty of male doms in any age range willing to take anyone from legal age +1 minute and up. So lots of people after the same group I’m after. And of course I can be seen as new, by comparison, and therefore probably a shitty dom, by comparison. And no, not woe-is-me, just what I consider to be a realistic assessment of the whole situation. I just have to find the one interested in the same type of relationship I am. Or convert a vanilla girlfriend.

As for the moral implications, I don’t see anything wrong with it anymore. However I did at one point think what I wanted might be wrong. Now I don’t believe I am doing someone any wrong or harm by wanting this type of relationship. If I wanted something more extreme than I do I might have reservations but I imagine I would have worked them out regardless. But who’s to say anything we do is perverse? Looking strictly at the kinky-sex aspect, most who would say its perverse are probably in that large group of married people flat out bored to death with sex.

Right now I’m fully content with the way I am and where I’m headed.

[MajesticFae]

Welcome back love. Not sure if I remember you, but welcome back!!

[Dragon's muse]

Back in the early days, i did have doubts. At last, i came to realize that the most moral, the rightest thing that i can do was to find out who i am and BE that person, as fully, as honestly and as passionately as i can be.

[Ocean_Soul]

I think the important thing you need to consider is why YOU have doubts as I’m sure there are many reasons for someone to doubt this lifestyle. Than figure out if those doubts are founded on anything you cannot overcome. This goes back to what Dragon’s Muse said, you have to be true to your self, to your own moral criterion. Be it if you’re mainly interested in how you appear to others, or do no harm or any of the other reasons.

[Ayla Silver]

Aww, thanks for the kind replies. I was afraid my post would go ignored- that would have been depressing.

I agree with all of you. Staying true to myself...that was pretty much the reason I came back. BDSM /is/ me, and has been me for as long as I can remember. It's just an aspect I can't ignore and shut away. Ocean - specifically, I think my doubts lay with myself. I mean - I thought that maybe I /wasn't/ suppose to be like this...and that normal people wouldn't have to indulge in these fantasies...I thought there might be something wrong with myself, and that perhaps I wasn't suppose to be how I was. It's hard to explain. Sometimes I questioned the fantasies that I had and their implications. Sure, I imagined fun bouts of consensual kinkiness. But I also had darker fantasies that involved rape and even murder. Of course I'd never even /think/ about considering those in real life, but the fact that these dangerous thoughts even slightly aroused me...it scared me.

-sigh- Sorry about rambling on about that...

Ozme! -hugs- I remember our roleplay...that was quite fun. Naba and Claudia made such a cute couple. Pity it was kind of...unfinished. The blame's all on me. If you feel like jumping into it again, I wouldn't mind.

[Ocean_Soul]

Yeah, people sometimes get aroused by the strangest things. People, being the important word here. I think if I were in your situation I would set as a guide for myself that as long as nobody gets hurt, what I do inside my own mind or in consensual play is, practically, not doing any harm. People may think it’s strange or even too extreme but as far as I’m concerned, opinions vary quite too widely to be really used as a guide.

[Rhabbi]

Welcome back.

[isabeau6]

nice to meet you..and i'm a spunky sub as well..or want to be..i also can be a brat...as a former online Master called me..

[moptop]

Hi, Ayla. We havn't met, but welcome back.

I think we probably all go through times when we think there must be something 'wrong' with us, because of what we want and what turns us on. I still have fantasies that I shy away from, can't actually admit to myself; I see what's about to happen, and just switch it off. But I reckon I'm just human... none of us can control our brains or the urges that they give us. We can, though, control what we do with or about those urges, so as long as we aren't putting those 'bad' fantasies into action, we are still fine people.

Be glad to be you.

[Slave Precious]

I've had a few; when my mother found my DVD 'The Story of O', she started calling my Master & I 'sick' & 'perverted' and I did turn to my Master for comfort, I asked Him if we were. His answer was no, I knew that already, I just needed it confirming over those nasty, spiteful words from someone in my family who clearly doesn't understand the BDSM world.

I guess we've just got to try and ignore all those who believe BDSM is sick, wrong, perverted and abusive - because we're the ones that really understand it, and they are just blindly commenting.

I didn't know you, as i'm just new here, but welcome back

[Ayla Silver]

Yeah, people sometimes get aroused by the strangest things. People, being the important word here. I think if I were in your situation I would set as a guide for myself that as long as nobody gets hurt, what I do inside my own mind or in consensual play is, practically, not doing any harm. People may think it’s strange or even too extreme but as far as I’m concerned, opinions vary quite too widely to be really used as a guide.

Hi, Ayla. We havn't met, but welcome back.

I think we probably all go through times when we think there must be something 'wrong' with us, because of what we want and what turns us on. I still have fantasies that I shy away from, can't actually admit to myself; I see what's about to happen, and just switch it off. But I reckon I'm just human... none of us can control our brains or the urges that they give us. We can, though, control what we do with or about those urges, so as long as we aren't putting those 'bad' fantasies into action, we are still fine people.

Be glad to be you.

Thanks...that meant a lot to me. Reassurance is always good.

I've had a few; when my mother found my DVD 'The Story of O', she started calling my Master & I 'sick' & 'perverted' and I did turn to my Master for comfort, I asked Him if we were. His answer was no, I knew that already, I just needed it confirming over those nasty, spiteful words from someone in my family who clearly doesn't understand the BDSM world.

I guess we've just got to try and ignore all those who believe BDSM is sick, wrong, perverted and abusive - because we're the ones that really understand it, and they are just blindly commenting.

Couldn't agree with you more. And actually, your situation was very similar to mine. My mother has labeled BDSM as "twisted" and "disgusting" before...and it stung - especially coming from someone who I'd always respected.

[tessa]

Hello, Ayla. Welcome back! Knowing how special this community is, it's no surprise you found your way here again. I don't know you, but I do hope that changes and soon.

Your question made me think. I do not consider who I am sexually, nor how that affects me on a day to day basis, to be "wrong" or "perverse". There might have been a time when it all confused the hell out of me, but not any longer. And I certainly don't choose to listen to others who are of the mind that my kinks are, for whatever reason, out of the norm. Sure, I get a couple funny looks now and again from my one vanilla friend who has some idea about me. But when I come back with, "Ewww!! You and your husband had sex when you went camping?? Right there in your sleeping bag on the ground?! With the bugs and the dirt and all?!?! You freakin' pervert!", she is reminded, once again, that we all enjoy ourselves in our own special way.

While I don't know how my mother feels about my sex life (and that is probably for the best- for us both), even her opinion wouldn't cause a change. I am who I am. Other's opinions just aren't going to matter so much to me, not about this.

I hope your life has calmed down and you can return to the business of pursuing happiness. Again, welcome back!

tessa

[Ayla Silver]

Tessa- I agree with every word of your post.

I love this forum. Everyone's just so nice and sincere and friendly. Sometimes just being here causes my doubts to vanish.

And yes...you're definitely correct. We all have our preferences, and who's to judge another?

My life's calmed down for the most part. I'll probably take a break before actively pursuing a relationship again...but otherwise, I'm pretty much back to normal.

Thanks for the replies. They took care of any remaining doubts I had.

[Flaming_Redhead]

My best friend is supposedly "vanilla," but she had sex on a park bench in Savannah and again on the windowsill of her 3rd story hotel room. LOL I don't have doubts about what I like being "wrong" in some way. I have doubts that I can handle the reality of BDSM. I want very much to be pushed...to withstand some pretty intense scenes....but I don't appear to be handling it very well at all. *sigh* I don't like being treated like a child and having the scene completely stopped even though I only said "yellow." I don't like having my friends not do something they like in front of me because of a silly phobia of paddles. *smiles* However, I am grateful that the people I love care enough about my mental health to recognize that which I often don't....which is that sometimes I just need to slow down. I have a tendency to rush in, consequences be damned, like I'm Super Sub!!! lol

*whispers* I'll just be over here sitting in the corner while the big boys and girls get to play with all the fun, albeit scary, toys.

[tessa]

*whispers* I'll just be over here sitting in the corner while the big boys and girls get to play with all the fun, albeit scary, toys.

~whispers~ Can I come sit with you, 'cause I find some of it pretty scary, too. Wanna hold hands? Might not seem like such a big deal if we do...please?

[Flaming_Redhead]

Sure...we can sit in this dark corner holding hands. *weg* I'm just wondering what we'll get to watch if both of us are hiding in the corner.

[Warbaby1943]

I remember the nick but that is about all. Welcome back.

[Ayla Silver]

I remember the nick but that is about all. Welcome back.

Thanks.

-runs over to corner- Hey guys, budge over. There needs to be room for me too.

[Ozme52]

I remember the nick but that is about all. Welcome back.

Well then, let me reintroduce you and everyone else to one of Ayla's earlier contributions...

The Slave Auction

(not to mention a shameless self-promoting plug...)

[Ayla Silver]

I just went back and reread it again. I love that roleplay.

[Warbaby1943]

Well then, let me reintroduce you and everyone else to one of Ayla's earlier contributions...

The Slave Auction

(not to mention a shameless self-promoting plug...)

Thanks Oz

[tessa]

~scooches in close to Red~ Sit right down, Ayla!! The more the merrier.

And I bet we can watch lots from the corner. Just wait and see.

[Ozme52]

I just went back and reread it again. I love that roleplay.

Shall I start "day two"?

[Ayla Silver]

Tessa - with all of use in the corner, there doesn't seem to be much to watch.

Ozme- Sure.

[nk_lion]

Tessa - with all of use in the corner, there doesn't seem to be much to watch.

Ozme- Sure.

The corner is getting pretty crowded, how about sitting in the middle of the room where everyone can admire you?

[Ayla Silver]

The corner is getting pretty crowded, how about sitting in the middle of the room where everyone can admire you?

-looks suspicious-

Well, okay, if you insist.

Hmm...just realized my inbox was full. Cleared it out now - in case anyone had been trying to contact me.