Who Really Has the Power in a DS Relationship?

[Eraser]

Before I step into this fray I'm going to give one of my few short preambles, just because opinions differ does not mean I am assaulting ones character or person. As you believe strongly in your opinion I do in mine.

With that said I am going to touch this topic from view from a very opposite end of the spectrum, with a short summary of, I completely disagree with the view TG has present.

This debate has raved on and on since the label of TPE has been around.

The first point I disagree with is the statement

“Taking control from a person is a form of manipulation and is, therefore, abuse”

Its not abuse, it can be many things, including abusive, but inherently its not abuse. One of the key technique’s any descent level sales person learns is, how to take control of a conversation, and manipulate it to be persuasive. Every cop around spends a good portion of there time at the academy learning how to speak to suspect and take control of the situation and the conversation. Every good teacher takes control over there students, especially younger ones. This brings the point on the ‘manipulation’ automatically being abuse. On a daily we are manipulated, by co-workers, media and marketing, perspective commentary’s of news person’s and religious leaders. Making a collective statement like that resolves the world into one of total abuse. If you were to take that that manipulation is abuse perspective, anything persuasive including this post is abusive. Look at the phrasing used; everything that the author agrees with is phrased in an absolute positive fashion and anything that goes against the view is automatically negative I.G. ‘myth’, ‘knowledgeable Dominant’. Statements like these, though persuasive also allude to the fact that if one disagrees with the view then the person is stupid or living fantasy.

To the next specifics of the statement

the knowledgeable dominant never takes control. It’s not his to take anyway.”

Well we have all heard the phrase ‘give and take’. When someone gives you something like the gift of submission, then you TAKE the gift in turn taking that control. Which brings up my argument to the statement

Since the DS relationship should be one of caring and understanding, and not one of manipulation and force, the taking away of control is contrary to the nature of that relationship.

The nature D/s relationship involves caring, understanding, manipulation, force, pain, pleasure and many many more things that I won’t site specifically. But it does involve all of them.

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The dominant does all these things, but he does them in cooperation with the submissive. In most DS relationships, the dominant and submissive partners negotiate a set of rules, a set of limits, what disciplinary actions will be used, and the nature of the assignments and activities given by the dominant to the submissive. The submissive is allowed to say no to anything she feels uncomfortable doing, and should be allowed to set limits based on her comfort. The entire process is one of compromise….. For instance, a submissive may set her own limits. She cannot be forced to do anything she says no to doing.

While I will whole heartily agree with the fact there is ‘negotiation’ I don’t see to the same depth as stated. My version of ‘negotiate’ is getting to know the person slowly and carefully learning and understanding. Then a bit broader understanding, when a general overview and checklist discussion occurs. Normally before I even touch a checklist or anything similar, I already have a good understanding of the person’s desires and taste’s. But that’s really where the ‘negotiations’ end, if on the check list I see an activity that I enjoy doing or something I know I do often and is set as a limit, that’s the end of the D\s relationship in anything other then casual friendship. For me there isn’t much ‘negotiations’ rather then me coming straight out and saying ‘I’m gonna do this that and this other things take it or leave it.’

Finally, and most importantly, the submissive may end any scene with her safe word. Upon utterance of the safe word, a scene stops immediately, any corporal punishment, bondage, humiliation, etc. stops at once.

This for me is MAJOR pet peeve and something I utterly hate, this concept that the submissive can just end a scene because she doesn’t like what’s going on. To this destroys the foundation of the relationship. The statement was made “she expects things in return for it; things like trust, honesty, safety, and communication” Well I expect something as well, actual submission.

To me a safeword is to be used if the submissive is being DAMAGED, not if she’s uncomfortable, or not if this hurts a little to much, or goodness sakes that last strike wrapped and stung a little more then usual. All of which I have seen, disturbs me greatly.

The explanation I give is thus:
My submissive has her nipples pierced, she’s been restrained over a spanking bench and has had weights attached to her nipple rings and is being furiously paddle that is jarring her body causing her nipples sway and slam against the bench. The jarring reaches a point that combined with the weights has cause the nipple rings to start to tear flesh.


That is the appropriate to use a safeword, but cause the submissive is being damaged and because of her position there is no way the Dom could be aware of it. The other times a safe word is used because the submissive isn’t enjoying something or doesn’t like the activity to me is just silly. The submissive is there to serve my desires not her own. If she’s not being damaged in a way that could prevent further service or availability to her Dominant or in a way that’s going to cause long term physical or mental harm.
The opposite extremity of this same type of activity is the constant prattling of a ‘dom’ and the ‘are you okay with this? Is this good for you? Are you enjoying this?’ to me is utter nonsense. The Dominant should have a good understanding of the person he is playing with and if he doesn’t know the person well enough to know if there not ‘okay with this’ then they shouldn’t be sceneing with them. I’m not here to cater to the submissive’s desires she and I are here to cater to mine.

…the dominant is in control over the submissive and that the submissive gives up her freedom with the understanding that she will do as the dominant tells her to do. That is not the true nature of power exchange; that is misinformation.

This not misinformation, this is the foundation of what a deep D\s relationship is suppose to be hence why it’s called Dominance and submission and not ‘make me do these things I like’. Once person willing and wantonly giving themselves to someone and is owned. They have given the Dominant themselves to enjoy as they wish. The responsibility of the Dominant to do that in a manner that doesn’t damage the person. Will the Dominant at some point violate her civil rights? I am rather sure of it. Will the Dominant do things that are scary and painful and uncomfortable for the person, well hopefully.

The most important thing to remember, though, is that the submissive holds the real power in the relationship, because she chooses to give up her control of herself and she allows her dominant partner to have that control with the understanding that she will be respected by the dominant, as will her safety, her trust, and her security. She always has the right to leave the relationship if any of those details are ignored or are not respected. And she always has the right to take back her control whenever she chooses.

The concept that the submissive retains the ‘power’ of the relationship after she gives it is like saying a person joining the military has the power over there commander because they have the right to exit the service. The concept that power is retained by the person giving it up is a contradiction in and of itself. The power and the control was given willingly and with understanding, at that point the power is gone, the only power left is to end the relationship which does not give the person ‘power’ over the relationship. The Dominant has the power to end the relationship as well. If submission is not given, if the submissive try’s to control the relationship by constantly safe wording out of ‘uncomfortable’ situation and scenes. Sceneing in manners for the submissive enjoyment or has specifically and meticulously outlined; to say ‘you may beat me this many times, with these tools, on Friday’s and Saturdays, until I say stop.” Isn’t a submissive, a masochist yes, but far from a submissive they’re the dominant and the one hold the whip is the submissive.