Getting back at Mean Dean

[moptop]

I thought I'd join in the fun, here. Thanks for offering us the opportunity to tear you to shreds!

"Of course. I've a friend who…he is the...um...director of a facility that creates these masterpieces,” he told them. “I have another piece in the works, as a matter of fact."

Agree, it doesn't work.

A tall woman of an older generation stood over what appeared to be a marble statue depicting a nymph pleasuring two satyrs. Smiling she bent down and peered into the nymphs closed eyes and whispered something.

I think you need a few more commas in both of these sentences. 'of an older generation' is a sub-clause that could be removed from sentence without damaging its make-up: one of the things I was taught long ago is, capture those gramatically unnecessary sub-clauses between commas.

You have a possesive apostrophe missing.

I see it as:

A tall woman, of an older generation, stood over what appeared to be a marble statue depicting a nymph pleasuring two satyrs. Smiling, she bent down and peered into the nymph's closed eyes and whispered something.

I also don't like 'and peered (...) and whispered'. I would prefer 'and peered (...) whispering or '...eyes. She whispered...'

Admittedly, that would give you a repetition with the next phrase, but I'm sure you can fix that!

"So hideous," she whispered. "Francis, I'm curious, how do you...well, how does she eat or..."

She is whispering, then she is talking to Francis, obviously out loud. I just feel you need a transition between the two - say, she turns, she stands up, she raises her head, some activity that allows the change in volume to be natural from the beginning of her sentence, as opposed to the reader having to realise it. I recognise that the fact that she says 'Francis' first does this - but I don't know, I would prefer

'Francis,' she called,

or something like that.

"How did you manage this one?" asked a tall, dark haired man.

"Ah, this one...my most recent piece," Francis said, striding over to the man.

Repetition of 'this one' and 'man'. Prefer

"Ah... that is my most recent piece," Francis said, striding over to him.

Or such.

"I had to have this adjusted somewhat. The spider webbing originally fed into her fingers, but that proved to be a bit problematic. They feed into through the back of her hand now. I'm rather partial to the change: It allows her fingers to move now."

Mix of singular/plural.

I can’t recall the name of the book, but the image of a nearly naked girl trapped in a huge spider web was rather…well, it stayed with me.”

Yes, I know - there is debate about the use of commas with 'but' and 'and'. Personally, I believe this has now become normal usage, and it makes the sentence read better.

There's a space missing in "rather...well"

As if on command the girl's fingers wiggled, garnering a smile from her captor. Reaching out, the man stroked the girl's leg, prompting her from her state of slumber. Her steel gray eyes blinked open, taking in the rare sight of strangers.

It doesn't really matter, but is 'the man' Francis - her captor - or the guest?

A chuckle of sadistic satisfaction rose from the gallery of people.

'gallery of people' seems overkill. How about just 'the room'. I know rooms don't laugh, but it's a well-known form of speech!

"More than I can express," Francis related.

"related"? Really?

"Many is the night that I have taken my seat across from her, enjoying her exquisite suffering while my dutiful Desk brought me to full satisfaction."

Minor nit-pick - she's his latest creation, is it really 'many a night'? I like the phrase, it is perfectly Francis. It just may not be true.

Francis turned his gaze to the small desk at the far end of the room. It was made of dark oak and appeared well crafted and sturdy. From the center top of the desk, just beneath the desk’s top piece could be seen the lower portions of a woman. Her bottom jutted out slightly and her feet spread wide and disappeared into the desk's thick legs.

OK, I have real problems with this. This is a normal height desk, yes? How does he get his knees under the desk, given that desks are designed to be just the right height, but now he's got a body in the way? Does he? Is he going to kneel on the floor behind her - doesn't sound comfy enough for him!! - how does this work? I find it very confusing, I can't picture it properly.

Maybe it doesn't matter, after all, I get the idea - but I think the idea has to work, and I'm not sure it does.

But I'm not gifted at visualising things, so it may just be me!!

"She has relative freedom until I lock into her place,"

When unattended she has a pump attached to her bottom to clean out her wastes."

For some reason, 'bottom' just doesn't sound right in Francis' mouth here (if you see what I mean!!). I feel he would use a colder, more medical term, anus, probably.

"I assume that her upper half is useful when she is ensconced by the desk?" chuckled one of the guests.

'ensconced' takes 'in', I think?

One by one Francis' guests made their path to the other side of the desk to admire its most impressive attributes.

'make your way' is more usual than 'make your path'

"Ah, yes. She is, in fact, a Christ-like figure," Francis retorted, smiling.

'retort' is the wrong word. As per dictionnary.com, retort means:

1. to reply to, usually in a sharp or retaliatory way; reply in kind to.
2. to return (an accusation, epithet, etc.) upon the person uttering it.
3. to answer (an argument or the like) by another to the contrary.

"Her hands and feet have rather large holes through them,

Get rid of 'rather'? Or use a more Francis-like word - e.g. 'adequately' - a sense of tittering relish and innuendo being brought in...

Her breasts have been greatly enlarged and are, in fact, still growing, thanks to an implant her creator calls ‘silly string’.

her teeth have been replaced with a synthetic material."

Why? What is special about this synthetic material? Either this needs expanding, or removing.

"Interesting", the woman said.

"Interesting,"

"Well, I think it's time for the party to get started," Francis exclaimed.

Should there be an exclamation mark, then?

"So, if you don't mind, I will free Desk from her bondage and have her get to serving.

'if you don't mind' isn't quite Francis, either - he's not the sort to be apologetic, even when being a polite host, is he?

'if you are ready', maybe?

and 'get to serving' - especially so soon after 'get started' - don't like that. How about 'so she can start serving us.'

Over dinner, Francis' guests spoke in grand words about his living furnishings.

'in grand words' - well, I think I know what you wish to convey, but I'm not convinced you are conveying it. They are being effusive, complimentary, are they not? 'grand words' just means they're a load of intellectual pedantic pricks discussing art-work; which of course is also an aspect.

Oh, woops, did I sound like I didn't like them there for a minute?

All were in awe and most were in a quest to discover how they might acquire their own pieces.

in a quest to discover... no... don't like that... 'eager to discover' I would prefer, or such.

And - careful - here you say 'most' - see notes later re the creator.

Amidst the excitement and revelry, no-one noticed the one man who sat quietly observing the actions of all in attendance. It was only after dinner had completed that he was introduced.

OK, the introduction and 'un-noticed' presence of the artist, these really bother me. He is obviously a twisted genius, and wishes to remain private. It doesn't strike me that he would sit in the room with them, have dinner with them, if he wished to retain the right not to be introduced to them. I would have thought it sat far more in the vein of things that he should be observing them unseen. He should communicate with Francis in some way or another before the introduction, to indicate to Francis that he is willing to be introduced. This communication should be discrete enough to be unobserved by the guests, or at least, it should not raise their interest particularly. Otherwise, Francis is quite possibly introducing the artist when he actually has not gained the confidence in these people that he wishes.

Could someone be expulsed, on his request? Anyone who wasn't actively asking how they could get such a piece, for example? (ref. 'most')

Anticipatory, each guest awaited the words that were to follow.

This could be more descriptive of the eager tension they are feeling.

Francis paused for a moment, enjoying the sudden tension. He cast his eyes from one guest to another, enjoying their wide-eyed attention.

repetition of enjoying

All eyes turned towards the man at the far end of the table and watched the man ease himself from his seat.

repetition of the man

He raised his fist to his mouth and coughed before smiling at the guests.

For some reason, 'fist' sounds wrong

“It’s been awhile since I have been away from my playground for a night like this,” he began. “I admit to having a very enjoyable time. Your company and adoration of my works has been quite enjoyable. Were I a more easily influenced man my head would be swelled beyond the ridiculous. Francis?”

Sounds too much like Francis. I think he ought to sound more like a boffin; shy mad professory type, obsessed by the methods he uses and his research; or, like a pretentious artist, waffling on about the intrinsic symbolic significance of his works and the message they bring to the world. Either one would give him the capacity to be enthused by what he does, in a way that avoids the actuality of his own sadism. His clients are sadists; he is a creator.

There! I have been unashamed in voicing my opinion, to the point where I'm shoving my nose in where it's not my business, I think - not just points of style or nit-picks. But I did enjoy doing it, and you're right, doing this helps one to think more consciously about one's own writing.

So thanks again for the opportunity.