sipgirl, I am very sorry for the loss you and your family have suffered - continue to suffer - but I am glad you are starting to be able to put it behind you (I don't mean forget it, but just that it is no longer ruling your life).

Re the mirror thing - yeah, I have hated that mirror. I have to exercise in front of it every day, and when we are together, I must always be in front of the mirror or watching myself on cam. At first it was too unbearable, I couldn't understand why I was doing it (I'm still not entirely sure!), but I have gradually got used to it. I am used to seeing my body now, and I no longer spend ALL my time noticing what I consider to be my physical faults. I am trying to learn to see myself as he sees me - and he obviously finds it attractive and exciting. Also, because I exercise in front of it, it has now become a tool for me. It has stopped being something that I must confront.

I think I would find it difficult to do if he were physically in the room with me, if I could see him watching me watching myself... that would be psychologically hard, and there are various reasons that I can think of. One is, shame. I think I would be ashamed to be as open with myself, at ease with myself, in front of him, as I am with myself. I can forget myself when I'm on my own, but it is hard to do when he's there. Yes, the feeling of his scrutiny causes a sense of shame - all squirmy, right? But I am sure I would find it easier to do now that I am used to the mirror (or cam view) on my own.

Maybe trying something like that would help you gradually to accept the mirror, too. As a useful tool, even if not a friend.

As far as eye contact goes, I actually crave it, and find I spend too much time being blind-folded.