When I was about 13 I started having flash backs. These I thought were just day dreaming but I found out that when I was very young I had a babysitter who invited her boyfriend round when no-one else was around. This man was later charged with molestering kids. These flashbacks were of those moments. He didn't come round that much that I can either remember but that was enough.
I was never interested in having relationships but from that age my imaginations and dreams of sex became more abusive.
I think this is what stopped me from wanting to get even near a person. No hugs or kisses as it felt an invasion of my space.
When I was 24 I moved into a flat of my own and met a guy who was really nice and respected my 'space' so I thought untill I invited him for a meal back at the flat. Later that night I could not get out of my own front door and was raped. I lost my virginity, no, he stole my virginity.
My fantisies have gone stronger since then and, as everyone has already said, dreaming of being raped and abused made me feel abnormal.
Why would I want this to happen to me again??
Well I decided to research this myself...
Aparently, in phsycology, Women who have been raped or abused use this experience in their fantisies because it 'lets out their anger and emotions' because we let them build up inside. Instead of the experience as being so negative we turn it round into a positive thing which therefore becomes a healing process and also helps with depression, which I suffer from alot.
This however is only one of the ways that the human body does to cope with negative experiences in life. This is not a stereo type of abused women and those women who do have these fantisies but fortunate enough not to have had these negative experiences it is in the same way, if they suffer from frustrations or depression this is also the mind and body's way of 'dealing' with it.
They always said sex was a way of healing and in a funny way it really is.
I hope this helps in anyway