HGZero's 4th Assignment

[Dragon's muse]

For your 4th assignment, craft me a tale of the ultimate seduction. You can write from either point of view -- seducer or seducee -- but pick one and stay with it.

ready, set, write!

[HGZero]

The steam from the shower fogged my glasses. I wanted to turn the shower off, but the door to the bathroom was locked from the inside. Everyone else was out doing part time work so I couldn't guess who was running the mini sauna. When I had first gotten the idea to make this spare apartment an office for artists some of my friends laughed at me. I soon became a defacto manager of local talent. I went from collecting money for bills to setting up bank accounts and acting as a go between for friends with the business world. It became a full time job instead of a little retreat to help me focus on my writing.

I set my glasses down on the table and banged on the door. Moments later it popped it's seal between the rooms and greeted me with a blast of warm wet sticky air. A closer look showed that the steam treatment had warped the wood. Goodbye deposit.

“Is anyone in here?” I asked.

“Just a minute!”

“Jennifer?” I looked around and saw her discarded clothes piled up in the corner of the bathroom.

“Ricky, just give me one more minute. Oh God, Ricky, just a minute more.” Her voice was heavily strained. I reached behind the curtain, but my hand stopped inches away from the water knob. I heard her moan. I was rooted to the ground by her half pleading half frustrated moan. It was then that I realized I couldn't hear the downpour of water that accompanies a shower. I pulled the curtain all the way back in one fluid motion.

She must not have heard me because her eyes were still tightly closed. Her fire red hair hung over her face and stopped just above her breasts. Her soft glistening skin only made her small breasts look even more sexy. Her hands joined together between her legs and I could see the end of the hose that lead to the shower head. Her legs bent at the knees and moved to press against the small sides of the tub. She was moving her hips in a rhythmic grind, giving me glimpses of the matted red hair she kept trimmed along her bikini line.

“Not enough,” she panted. She tossed her head and I was showered in droplets. Her eyes locked on mine and my entire focus became those green circles that held back the darkness of her iris from consuming the rest of the window to her soul. I was moved closer. She had a grip on my shirt and I was being pulled closer. My eyes closed and I felt her lips on mine. Like her eyes, her kisses were hungry, powerful, and if I didn't respond I'd soon be swept away by her need. My button up shirt was wilting while her grip was threatening to pull me into the tub. I felt her press up against me as her grinding hips brought her body closer to mine.

Her grip on my shirt loosened then dropped altogether. Her arm encircled my neck and she broke the kiss just as I started returning her passions. Clank. The shower head was no longer supported by her grip. It sprayed us both with water. Her free arm pressed against me, and her fingernails tried to rip though my shirt as her hand raked down my back.

I could hear her in my ear. She repeated my name and each time her hips moved over the massaging jets of the shower head. It was too short to be the eternity I wanted to experience. She pressed her naked skin to my soaked shirt. I felt her hands readjust on my back. Pain shot up from the base of my spine as her fingers picked at me. Her top hand slid wildly up and down. I couldn't understand her hushed words. I was on my knees with my hips pressing so hard against the tub that I was sure I'd soon punch a hole through it.

Then it was over. She withdrew from my arms. I fell into the tub just as she left the confines of the bathroom. Breathing hot water for a few seconds was as effective as any cold shower could be. I reached over and turned off the water. The steady stream funneled down the drain, drying up the tub, and erasing almost every evidence of our shared moment. I could still smell the hint of strawberry she had used as scented body wash.

“Are you going to stay down there forever, lover boy?” asked Jenifer.

“I'm remembering better times.” I pulled myself out of the bath and saw her standing on the rug, a towel wrapped around her hair, and a sheet of music paper in her left hand.

“Like what you see?” Jennifer moved her right hand between her breast, slowly drawing a trail down her body, and stopping just above her sex.

“I'm not wearing my glasses. Come closer.”

She grinned and let her completed composition slide out from her fingers. Jennifer sank down to her knees and placed a hand on my shoulder. “Is this close enough?”

“Closer.” I put my hands on her hips and kissed her slowly. She kissed down my neck and then back up to my ear. My hand gripped tightly onto the curve of her ass.

“I really owe you for breaking my slump. I lost count of how many times I drifted off to sleep in that shower.”

“You need to find a better way of massaging your muse.”

“Is that an offer?”

“I'm here to help.” I gave her ass a possessive squeeze.

“It's my turn, boss man.” She pushed her hand against my torso then slipped it under my waist band. Her firm hand seized my cock. “I'm not letting go so help me out with those pants.”

I wiggled from side to side as I pulled my pants down to my knees. Jennifer's grip held steady even as I lifted her up against me. She let go only after guiding my cock inside still wet folds. She wrapped her legs around me and pressed down on my shoulders while she lifted up and down on my pole. I kept both of my hands on her ass and guided her pumping hips to keep from slipping out. Her pussy squeezed me as I was inside of her, sucking me in further each time her body rested on mine. No words were needed between us. Her hands tore the buttons off my shirt when she ripped it open. I could feel her nipples rubbing across my bare chest. She sat down hard and moaned into my ear as my cock reached new depths inside of her. Her hips ground hard against me and her teeth sunk into my shoulder.

I could only hear one beat, one rhythm, beating between us. I leaned into Jennifer as I came inside of her. My knees opened up and my hips pressed up into her over and over as each pump was accompanied by a shot of my hot seed inside of her. I fell back against the tub and Jennifer slumped against me. Her tongue darted out to lick the bruise her bite had left on my shoulder.

“What if someone else had walked in?”

She giggled.

“Really, what if it was someone else?” I asked.

She pulled back a little and brushed her hair behind her ear. “I knew it would be you,” she rested her forehead against mine “Yours was the heart that answered my call.”

I rolled my eyes, she rolled her hips, and it was settled.

[Dragon's muse]

i have seen this, and i will get to it tonight or tomorrow.
rose

[H Dean]

Wow! This was a hot fucking story. The descriptions were vivid and alive and I really felt a draw to complete this little tale. Now, for the nits...


The first paragraph was a bit off. I think it should have been two and you could have written it with a bit more attention. It was secondary to the tale, and not really important except as a set up. But it felt like it was secondary to the tale - you don't want to start a story like that.

I set my glasses down on the table and banged on the door. Moments later it popped it's seal between the rooms and greeted me with a blast of warm wet sticky air. A closer look showed that the steam treatment had warped the wood. Goodbye deposit.

Well, Muse is going to have a say so in this paragraph, I am sure. Have a quick look before she does and see if you can find what is not right. As good as you seem to be I think the problems will jump out at you.

“Ricky, just give me one more minute. Oh God, Ricky, just a minute more.” Her voice was heavily strained. I reached behind the curtain, but my hand stopped inches away from the water knob. I heard her moan. I was rooted to the ground by her half pleading half frustrated moan. It was then that I realized I couldn't hear the downpour of water that accompanies a shower. I pulled the curtain all the way back in one fluid motion.

This is where you demonstrate the excitement of the situation: "Suddenly, I realized I couldn't hear the downpour of water that accompanies a shower. "

Now tell us how you felt: "Excitedly, I pulled the curtains back in one fluid motion." or "I pulled the curtains back in one fluid motion, enticed but what I hoped I might see."

She must not have heard me because her eyes were still tightly closed. Her fire red hair hung over her face and stopped just above her breasts. Her soft glistening skin only made her small breasts look even more sexy. Her hands joined together between her legs and I could see the end of the hose that lead to the shower head. Her legs bent at the knees and moved to press against the small sides of the tub. She was moving her hips in a rhythmic grind, giving me glimpses of the matted red hair she kept trimmed along her bikini line.

Okay, good descriptions that were muted by sentence structure that didn't work and the overused "sexy".

First of all, fire red hair is a good description but it isn't as exciting as fiery red hair. Also, when her hair "stopped just above her breasts" so did the sentence. It died a dull death. You need to find a way to put this together, describe it with life and not use "Her blank" in two consecutive sentences.

Breasts should almost never "look more sexy". It is terribly common. Also, you can construct a beter and more descriptive sentence. That one had no life and no bounce. Any sentence you write about breasts should have bounce.

Then it was over. She withdrew from my arms. I fell into the tub just as she left the confines of the bathroom. Breathing hot water for a few seconds was as effective as any cold shower could be. I reached over and turned off the water. The steady stream funneled down the drain, drying up the tub, and erasing almost every evidence of our shared moment. I could still smell the hint of strawberry she had used as scented body wash.

You've a knack for combining differnet ideas into one cohesive sentence. That allows for a good flow. However, you also have a penchant for creating sentences that are short. You string them together. They occur one after another. You start them the same way. It makes the reading choppy.

There is a time for choppy and there is a time for drawn out rhythm. This was choppy and it needed drawn out rhythm.

Okay, I am not going to pick this apart entirely. I will fire off my last complaint though. Too often, you tend to use "as" when you are in the midst of action. It kind of kills the momentum of your sentence. Also, on occassion, your choice for verbiage is kind of sophomoric.

This last paragraph is a prime example of your weakest areas:

I could only hear one beat, one rhythm, beating between us. I leaned into Jennifer as I came inside of her. My knees opened up and my hips pressed up into her over and over as each pump was accompanied by a shot of my hot seed inside of her. I fell back against the tub and Jennifer slumped against me. Her tongue darted out to lick the bruise her bite had left on my shoulder.

Make that one sentence - Shorten this up, get rid of "as" and throw in a comma. Get rid of "and" after opening your knees and give this immediacy - This is too passive and it should be one sentence.

I could only hear one beat, one rhythm beating between us as I leaned into Jennifer, finding release. My knees opened as my hips pressed into her over and over, each thrust accompanied by more of my hot seed. I fell back against the tub, Jennifer slumping against me, her tongue darting out to tenderly lick the bruise her passions had left on my shoulder.

Okay - I hammered you hard enough. I want to say, finally, that I am a big proponent of having a solid punch line at the end of a story. Your close was excellent. I could see it - I could imagine it happening in real life - it made me chuckle in just the right way.

[H Dean]

Wow - all those colors suck with this color scheme. Sorry to kill your eyes.

[HGZero]

Thank you for your input here. Out of all the stories I'll admit I struggled with this one the most. I had an idea for how I wanted it to flow but when I had finished writing it he first time I found almost all my sentences were compound. I went back and shortened some and that's what made it choppy.


I'll admit my choice to use sexy in conjunction with small breasts has been part of a long time agenda that even small boobs look hot.

I had to break out my copy of Steven King's 'On Writing' and skim though it again to be sure it was him who I credit when I stopped using adverbs in writing.

Of course I also read there that to edit is divine and I have to agree that I'd be willing to make any changes suggested.

Last but not least, the first paragraph. That is totally my fault. I had spent time thinking up a good hook and a clean way to start the story but on rereading it I found that the situation that lead up to seduction would only be understood by me. I should have found a better way to sew the back story into the action.

Thank you again for your input and glowing review.

[Dragon's muse]

Damn! This should have had a disclaimer warning the females to put a towel in the chair before they read. Hot stuff!

Adverbs are tricky, but erotica without their judicious use can be a little flat, almost clinical.
Yes, in On Writing, Stephen King does preach against adverbs, but his own writing is positively peppered with them.

And i loooooooooove the last line.

Very nice, you drew me into the moment with very few exceptions. Now on to the ceremonial picking of the nits.

Oh, and by the way, i am kicking you upstairs to the tender (or not so tender) mercies of Aussiegirl. Your creative voice is found; she will begin to refine it.

The steam from the shower fogged my glasses. I wanted to turn the shower off, but the door to the bathroom was locked from the inside. Everyone else was out doing part time work so I couldn't guess who was running the mini sauna. When I had first gotten the idea to make this spare apartment an office for artists some of my friends laughed at me. I soon became a defacto manager of local talent. I went from collecting money for bills to setting up bank accounts and acting as a go between for friends with the business world. It became a full time job instead of a little retreat to help me focus on my writing. This information does need to be woven into the storyline a little better. It is what my r/t writing group calls an "expository lump".
I set my glasses down (delete) on the table and banged on the door. Moments later it popped it's seal between the rooms and greeted me with a blast of warm wet sticky air. ("Moments later" is unnecessary, the reader will assume the story is in chronological order. Construction is a bit off here "It popped open and I was enfulfed in a cloud of warm, wet air.")A closer look showed that the steam treatment had warped the wood. Goodbye deposit.(This could just start with "The steam treatment. . . ")
“Is anyone in here?” I asked.

“Just a minute!”

“Jennifer?” I looked around and saw her discarded clothes piled up in the corner of the bathroom.

“Ricky, just give me one more minute. Oh God, Ricky, just a minute more.” Her voice was heavily strained. I reached behind the curtain, but my hand stopped inches away from the water knob. I heard her moan.(delete -- unnecessary) I was rooted to the ground by her half -pleading, half- frustrated moan. It was then that (delete)I realized I couldn't hear the downpour of water that accompanies a shower. I pulled the curtain all the way (delete) back in one fluid motion.

She must not have heard me because her eyes were still tightly closed. Her fire (i agree with Mr. Dean, "firey" would be better here) red hair hung over her face and stopped just above her breasts give us a little more of a picture, let her hair "cling damply to skin above her breasts" or "stand out in sharp contrast to the ivory skin above her breasts." Something a little more visual.. Her soft glistening skin only made her small breasts look even more sexy. (pick a stronger word here, alluring, enticing, kissable. Also the "look" is unnecessary. Her hands joined together between her legs and I could see the end of the hose that lead to the shower head. Her legs bent at the knees and moved to press against the small sides of the tub. She was moving her hips in a rhythmic grind, giving me glimpses of the matted red hair she kept trimmed along her bikini line.

“Not enough,” she panted. She tossed her head and I was showered in droplets. Her eyes locked on mine and my entire focus became those green circles that held back the darkness of her iris (i think you mean "pupil" here, the iris is the colored part)from consuming the rest of the window to her soul. I was moved closer (delete- made perfectly clear in the next sentence). She had a grip on my shirt and I was being pulled closer. My eyes closed and I felt her lips on mine. Like her eyes, her kisses were hungry, powerful, and if I didn't respond, I'd soon be swept away by her need. My button up shirt was wilting while her grip was threatening to pull me into the tub. I felt her press up against me as her grinding hips brought her body closer to mine.

Her grip on my shirt loosened then dropped altogether. Her arm encircled my neck and she broke the kiss just as I started returning her passions. Clank. The shower head was no longer supported by her grip. It sprayed us both with water. Combine and simplify --her hands are already holding something else. Just say that "The shower head pelted us with its warm spray." Her free arm pressed against me, and her fingernails tried to rip though my shirt as her hand raked down my back.

I could hear her in my ear delete and change the period to a semicolon. She repeated my name and each time her hips moved over the massaging jets of the shower head. It was too short to be the eternity I wanted to experience. She pressed her naked (unnecessary- already established that she's naked) skin to my soaked shirt. I felt her hands readjust on my back ("Her hands shifted on my back.. Pain shot up from the base of my spine as her fingers picked at me. Her top hand slid wildly up and down. I couldn't understand her hushed words. I was on my knees with my hips pressing so hard against the tub that I was sure I'd soon punch a hole through it.

Then it was over. She withdrew from my arms. I fell into the tub just delete)as she left the confines of the bathroom. Breathing hot water for a few seconds was as effective as any cold shower could be. change to a semicolonI reached over and turned off the water. The steady stream funneled down the drain, drying up the tub, and (delete, breaks up the flow)erasing almost every evidence of our shared moment. I could still smell the hint of strawberry she had used as scented body wash. ("a hint of her strawberry scented body wash" “Are you going to stay down there forever, lover boy?” asked Jenifer.

“I'm remembering better times.” I pulled myself out of the bath and saw her standing on the rug, a towel wrapped around her hair, and a sheet of music paper in her left hand.

“Like what you see?” Jennifer moved her right hand between her breast, slowly drawing a trail down her body, and stopping just above her sex.

“I'm not wearing my glasses. Come closer.”

She grinned and let her completed composition slide out from her fingers. Jennifer sank down to her knees and placed a hand on my shoulder. “Is this close enough?”

“Closer.” I put my hands on her hips and kissed her slowly. She kissed down my neck and then back up to my ear. My hand gripped tightly onto the curve of her ass.

“I really owe you for breaking my slump. I lost count of how many times I drifted off to sleep in that shower.”

“You need to find a better way of massaging your muse.”

“Is that an offer?”

“I'm here to help.” I gave her ass a possessive squeeze.

“It's my turn, boss man.” She pushed her hand against my torso then slipped it under my waist band. Her firm hand seized my cock. “I'm not letting go, so help me out with those pants.”

I wiggled from side to side as I pulled my pants down to my knees. Jennifer's grip held steady even as I lifted her up against me. She let go only after guiding my cock inside still wet folds. She wrapped her legs around me and pressed down on my shoulders while she lifted up and down on my pole (never been fond of this expression, but that is just a personal thing). I kept both of my hands on her ass and guided her pumping hips to keep from slipping out. Her pussy squeezed me as I was inside of her (delete), sucking me in further each time her body rested on mine. No words were needed between us (delete). Her hands tore the buttons off my shirt when she ripped it open. ("Buttons spattered on the tiles when she ripped my shirt open.") I could feel her nipples rubbing across my bare chest. She sat down hard and moaned into my ear as my cock reached new depths inside of her. Her hips ground hard against me and her teeth sunk into my shoulder.

I could only hear one beat, one rhythm, beating (delete) between us. I leaned into Jennifer as I came inside of her. My knees opened up and (delete - knees should not be the focus here)my hips pressed up into her over and over, as (delete)each pump was (delete) accompanied by a shot of my hot seed inside of her (delete). I fell back against the tub and Jennifer slumped against me. Her tongue darted out to lick the bruise her bite had left (simplify to "her teethmarks") on my shoulder.

“What if someone else had walked in?”

She giggled.

“Really, what if it was someone else?” I asked.

She pulled back a little and brushed her hair behind her ear. “I knew it would be you,” she rested her forehead against mine “Yours was the heart that answered my call.”

I rolled my eyes, she rolled her hips, and it was settled.

[HGZero]

I'd like to thank everyone for all their help here. It is pretty exciting to feel and actually see my writing grow as I have taken on each assignment. I can understand why the complements always come first because there doesn't seem to be much of me left after the picking of nits.

I hope to still hear from ya'll in level 2.

I am trying to get a sponsor so let me take this moment to say that if you feel the urge to find pleasure in my story, make sure you include auto scroll.

Auto Scroll (TM), the hands free scrolling option that never quits.

[H Dean]

I am gentler in level 1 than I am in level 2. Level two makes me cranky and more than a little mean. In level 3 I don't wear deoderant, trash your stories and wear a frown all the time. In level 4 I carry a flail, a bottle of tequila, and a hot brand. I smile, though.

[HGZero]

Well as of now I don't have access to level 2 so I get the kid friendly H Dean.

On a different note. What is a r/t writing group?

[H Dean]

r/t means real time. So, in the real world, she is in a writers group.

[Dragon's muse]

HG,
i sent an email to get you the access. Rabbit will give you the access when he gets it.
rose

[Dragon's muse]

I am gentler in level 1 than I am in level 2. Level two makes me cranky and more than a little mean. In level 3 I don't wear deoderant, trash your stories and wear a frown all the time. In level 4 I carry a flail, a bottle of tequila, and a hot brand. I smile, though.

MMMMMMM, a flail and a hot brand? Making me all squishy, Mr. Dean.

[H Dean]

MMMMMMM, a flail and a hot brand? Making me all squishy, Mr. Dean.

I play guitar, so my finges are dextrous. I play trumpet so my lips and tongue are agile. I play harmonica so I know the right time to suck and the right time to blow.

Smiling?

[Dragon's muse]

*getting down on one knee* Will you marry me?

[H Dean]

I almost forgot - I'm a biker, too.

[Dragon's muse]

Oh my my my! *best Scarlett O'Hara voice* at last my prince has come.
*swooning into a faint*

[H Dean]

I'm pretty good with a bullwhip, as well. Did I mention that I love to cook?

[Dragon's muse]

If i follow you home, will you keep me?

[H Dean]

So long as you don't mind being leash trained - yes.

[Dragon's muse]

um, i'm already leash and cage trained. and i never do my business on the carpet. i also fetch nicely and give a killer foot massage.

[H Dean]

Well, if your gag reflex is missing, come on over and sit at my feet.

[Dragon's muse]

What's a gag reflex? Is that when i automatically open wide when you just show me a gag?

[H Dean]

Kneel before me and I will unsheath my sword and...well, you get the idea.