my journey

[tessa]

Well, you never know when one of those IM's is gonna hit. No, not instant message or insane madness. I'm talking about insight. The kind that just all of the sudden is there, without being called on or invited in. It just is.

Sorry to be the buzz kill. Fun's good, don't get me wrong. But within the playtime, you have these realizations- moments that just seem so clear and bright. Interesting how that happens. I've learned to pay attention to them.

Along this journey, I've met so many wonderful people here in this community, many of them right here in this little thread of mine. People who have advised me, counseled me or have just been there when I needed a shoulder to boo-hoo on. I learn from each and every one of you lovely souls. And sometimes I am fortunate enough in that they share some of their journey with me.

What I am finding out is that most all of us struggle as we go on the journey we take. Up's and downs, in health and sick as a dog, happy and pissed off, content or frustrated beyond belief- all of it is part of this trip we take. There can't be one without the other. Why, I ask in my fairytale frame of mind? Because (drum roll please) it's not!! Well, how about that. How long did it take me to figure that out that life ain't a freakin' fairytale? Umm, let's see...going on 20+ years now. Hmm, not so bad on the learning curve there, tessa.

In speaking with my friends here (and I do hope I'm not overstepping in saying that), I find that we all go through times where we wonder if it's going to work out and be okay, if we'll get to experience what we desire, ever or again. It's as if I believed that vanilla life and D/s life were complete and separate entities. Ok, not "as if". I did believe that the two were in and of themselves. I know a few of you reading this are thinking, "well, duh!" (Just consider the source. )

Ill children, arguments, trips to the grocery store, vacations, dinner, financial trouble, finding time to read a good book, hell, finding time to do anything really, are all a part of whatever we do in life. All that stuff is just how it is, what has to be done. The part that has to be incorporated is the getting tied up or flogging the sass out of someone or even just a simple fuck that includes a "who's your Daddy?" Yeah, yeah, I hear the "well duh!" again. Again I say, consider the source. Just don't say it so loudly. I'm the sensitive type.

That was funny. But I digress.

What matters is the trying. If I stop trying just because it's a little too frustrating or a little too complicated; if I get pissy 'cause life is just too busy for a two-week marathon of D/s action and I shut down, well, I get what I put into it. And that would be nothing. Nada. Zilcho. A big ol' zero. I can't blame anyone for that except myself. There is no withdrawal without a deposit. (double entendre alert right there ). A relationship can't survive on a negative balance. And actually, finding the balance is what it's really all about.

~takes off my glamorously pretty Subbie-rella gown and dons my soccer-mom clothes...puts the glass...erm, slipper, yeah, slippers away and finds the flip-flops~

Life is about real joys, real heartaches, real everything. And you know, the fantasy fits right in there if you make a place for it.

I am all about finding my place.

~hugs to all~
tessa