First assignment for Clevernick

[Dragon's muse]

Welcome to Writer's Block Level I!

Your mission, should you choose to accept it is to write a scene or story with the following opening.

Alex was hurt and angry; only Miranda could irritate him to this point.

[Clevernick]

Alex was hurt and angry; only Miranda could irritate him to this point. He was amazed he was even still conversing with this smartass.

"Get away from that cyber crap," his friend Sue had told him, "you deserve better than that."

And she was right, and Alex knew it. It was becoming obvious that a long-distance Dom had no chance against a smartass sub who was more into playing mindgames than actually submitting.

She needed to be physically put over one knee and spanked mercilessly, but she was just too far away. And she took full advantage of that.

So Alex knew that this wasn't going to work. And he knew he shouldn't even be trying.

It had started innocently enough, on one of those alternative dating sites. "Control my mind, and my body will follow," read her ad. If all went well, she lived about two hours' drive away. Not too bad.

Alex had a pretty high regard for his own chat skills -- hadn't he brought two other women (and Sue, his friend) to creamy orgasms over Instant Messaging? He could do this.

Miranda had other plans, though. They'd chatted nicely for a while, exchanged a few mails, and he'd even made her come, for real, in yet another improvised cybersex scene.

After that, Alex had realized he might have been verbally fondling a 55-year-old truck driver named Sid, for all he knew. Feeling a bit taken advantage of, he'd asked to see her picture, and she had laid out the bait.

"I'll webcam for you, how's that? I feel really close to you after our little session, and I would love to show you more of me."

How could he refuse such an offer? "Absolutely, turn it on."

"Not tonight," she continued, "It's late and I have to work tomorrow morning. How about tomorrow at 11pm?"

A bit frustrated, but game, Alex had agreed. He'd actually been unable to get the upcoming cam session off his mind the entire next day, and had hurried home from the theatre to be on time.

At 10:55 he had turned on his instant messenger and waited. At 11:00 he'd buzzed her, and seen no reply. As he'd turned his attention to other friends online, other hobbies, other work, he had checked back occasionally to see if Miranda had signed on.

Just as he'd been about to go to bed, at 2:10am, she had popped up. She mentioned casually that she'd been working late. No apology, no remorse. And she was now happy to chat, but "too tired" to turn on her webcam.

He asked her politely to do so anyway, and got a flat "no". She suggested 11pm the next day, and signed off without apology.


...to be continued?

[Rhabbi]

Alex was hurt and angry; only Miranda could irritate him to this point. He was amazed he was even still conversing with this smartass.

"Get away from that cyber crap," his friend Sue had told him, "you deserve better than that."

And delete she was right, and Alex knew it. It was becoming obvious that a long-distance Dom had no chance against a smartass sub who was more into playing mindgames mind games than actually submitting.

She needed to be physically put over one knee and spanked mercilessly, but she was just too far away. And delete she took full advantage of that.

So delete Alex knew that this wasn't going to work. And delete he knew he shouldn't even be trying.

It had started innocently enough, on one of those alternative dating sites. "Control my mind, and my body will follow," read her ad. If all went well, she lived about two hours' drive away. Not too bad. incomplete sentence. Nick, you write like you talk, but you need to write the way you should talk.

Alex had a pretty high just use high regard for his own chat skills -- hadn't he brought two other women (and Sue, his friend) to creamy orgasms over Instant Messaging? He could do this.

Miranda had other plans, though. They'd chatted nicely for a while, exchanged a few mails, and he'd even made her come, for real, in yet another improvised cybersex scene.

After that, not needed, deleteAlex had realized he might have been verbally fondling a 55-year-old truck driver named Sid, for all he knew. Feeling a bit taken advantage of, he'd asked to see her picture, and she had laid out the bait.

"I'll webcam for you, how's that? I feel really close to you after our little session, and I would love to show you more of me."

How could he refuse such an offer? "Absolutely, turn it on."

"Not tonight," she continued, "It's late and I have to work tomorrow morning. How about tomorrow at 11pm11 pm?"

A bit frustrated, but game, Alex had agreed. He'd actually been unable to get the upcoming cam session off his mind the entire next day, and had hurried home from the theatre to be on time.

At 10:55 he had turned on his instant messenger and waited. At 11:00 he'd buzzed her, and seen no reply. As he'd turned his attention to other friends online, other hobbies, other work, he had checked back occasionally to see if Miranda had signed on.

Just as he'd been about to go to bed, at 2:10am2:10 am, she had popped up. She mentioned casually that she'd been working late. No apology, no remorse.Again this is not a sentence. This is ok in dialog, and occasionally at other times, but should be avoided in writing. Anddelete she was now happy to chat, but "too tired" to turn on her webcam.

He asked her politely to do so anyway, and got a flat "no". "No." You put the period outside the quotes, which is acceptable only if you do it all the time. She suggested 11pm11 pm the next day, and signed off without apology.


...to be continued?

Nick,

Over all a good story, with just a few technical problems. Do not let all the marks scare you, as you made the same mistake more than once. You use and, so, and but to start sentences and clauses. look at them and see if the sentence make sense without them, if it does, throw them out. Writing is about using the fewest words to express your ideas.

[Clevernick]

Thanks, Rhabbi!

Hey can you be a Rabbi and a Grammar Nazi at the same time? Isn't that a conflict of interest?

Oy vey.

P.S. I shall strive to "omit needless words", as Strunk told White.

"Omit needless words!"
Said Strunk to White.
"You're right,"
Said White,
"That's nice
Advice.
But Strunk,
You're drunk
With words --
Two-thirds
Of those
You chose
For that
Fiat
Would fill
The bill!

Would not
The thought
-- The core --
Be more
Succinct
If shrinked
(Or shrunk)?"

Said Strunk:
"Good grief!
I'm brief
(I thought)
P'raps not ...
Dear me!
Let's see ...
Okay!
Just say
'Write tight!'
No fat
in that!"

"Quite right!"
Said White,
"Er -- I mean 'Quite!'
Or, simply, 'Right!' "

--Maurice Sagoff

[H Dean]

Writing is about using the fewest words to express your ideas

I disagree.

I would offer a review and critique for you, Clevernick, but I am currently drunk. Yes, I have had tee Martwonies and I fear I would do you a terrible diservice. Wait - should that be "disservice"? I don't know. I am drunk. I don't drink much anymore. Not in the last ten years. I have tied one on tonight. Oh, that's four shots of gin, by the way. I need food. Send me some food, someone; Giordanos. I need a pizza.

Is there anybody out there?

[tessa]

Clevernick, I enjoyed your brief glimpse into Alex's and Miranda's exchange. I'd like to know what happens with them next.

Writing is about using the fewest words to express your ideas.

Rhabbi, you cannot honestly believe that. Seriously.

Consider the following:

"At that instant he saw, in one blaze of light, an image of unutterable conviction, the reason why the artist works and lives and has his being--the reward he seeks--the only reward he really cares about, without which there is nothing. It is to snare the spirits of mankind in nets of magic, to make his life prevail through his creation, to wreak the vision of his life, the rude and painful substance of his own experience, into the congruence of blazing and enchanted images that are themselves the core of life, the essential pattern whence all other things proceed, the kernel of eternity."

From: Of Time and the River by Thomas Wolfe

That passage is infinitely more of everything when compared to using the fewest words, such as, "I write to get a response from readers." There is NO comparison to be had.

Ok sure, bad grammar and misspellings are issues to be cognizant of as a writer. That's a given. But words are the very soul of what writing is. Little words, big words and all of them in between- cutting them out, throwing them away, using the fewest possible??? That makes absolutely no sense to me. Certainly not advice to be handing out in the Writers Block.

(And don't blame it on the blonde. If you try doing that, I will invoke the spirits of all the great authors gone on before us to come haunt you.)

~orders an extra large pizza for Mr. Dean~ Papa John's is the only one near me who delivers. Hope that's okay. If not, well, I tried. It is the thought that counts. Even when ordering cyber-pizza.

[Rhabbi]

Originally Posted by Rhabbi
Writing is about using the fewest words to express your ideas.

Glad to see I started a debate. I will admit I said this wrong this the wrong way. What I meant to say is writing short stories is about using the fewest words to express your ideas.

Nothing against Thomas Wolfe, he could make a sentence dance, and most people cannot. Besides, I sincerely believe that that particular idea could not be expressed in fewer words, and I would challenge anyone to convey it in fewer. And he was writing a novel there.

[Clevernick]

Taking the discussion in a different direction, let me ask all of you experts if it is indeed "wrong" to write the way I speak.

My grammar is generally good. But I am fond of splitting a sentence in two, beginning the second half with a conjunction. Because that's just the rhythm I use--sometimes. It sounds right.

Rewriting the above "correctly" would give either the run-on:

"My grammar is generally good, but I am fond of splitting a sentence in two, beginning the second half with a conjunction, because that's just the rhythm I use--sometimes."

Or Rhabbi's recommended:

"My grammar is generally good. I am fond of splitting a sentence in two, beginning the second half with a conjunction. That's just the rhythm I use--sometimes."

This last sounds clipped and unnatural to me. Also, the connections between the thoughts are less clear.

I could make them clearer, at the cost of sounding even more unnatural:

"My grammar is generally good. I am, however, fond of splitting a sentence in two, beginning the second half with a conjunction. Why? That's just the rhythm I use--sometimes."

The incorrect method in my first example also puts the pauses exactly where I'd like them put, were I directing the speech.

I'm wondering if knowing the rules and when and how I'm breaking them gives me the license to do so, in the service of a more natural speech rhythm that echoes my own.

I can see a few obvious arguments against this --

1) It is distracting to the reader. (If it is, I lose and you win -- I'll reform)
2) It's grammatically incorrect. (Grammar in the descriptive or prescriptive sense?)
3) This is Writer's Block Level One, and when you successfully make it to Level Four you may be permitted a bit of license. (Granted)

What are your thoughts, oh writer tutors?

P.S. Yes, thanks Tessa! I do intend to add more of Alex and Miranda's adventure. I just got tired of writing at that point.

[Dragon's muse]

Nick,

Just wanted to let you know that i have seen this and will get to a review probably this evening.

To address the question of writing the way you speak.

It address clarity. When speaking you have facial expressions, body language, voice inflections to give tone and emphasis where you want them. In text, clarity can only come from the words you choose and how you arrange them. It's not so much about the fewest words to convey the idea, but the best possible words to convey the idea.

There are certain conventions that readers expect. The narrator voice is expected to have more formal usage.

Yes, grammatical rules can be broken, but it should be only in cases where that is the best possible way to say something.

Many of the great writers break the rules regularly. Stephen King's Eye of the Dragon comes to mind, where he actually addresses the reader, has numerous expository "lumps", and mind bending tangents. He makes it work. That is why he is Stephen King and could sell a volume of Grimm's fairy tales translated into pig latin, while i scribble romance tales and strive to break out of genre fiction.

In short, grammar is a foundation. You have to know the rules to know when you can break them and not harm the work.

What fiction has to acheive is to bring the reader into the story. Colloquialisms, places where the reader has to go back to re-read the sentence, misplaced punctuation, spelling errors -- all these things get in the way of the suspension of disbelief that we strive for. Anything that makes the reader say, "Huh?" takes them out of the story. If they find themselves popping out of the story too many times, chances are good that they won't finish it.

Anyway, just my tuppence. i will get a review of this up and your new assignment posted this evening or tomorrow.

rose

[Rhabbi]

Nick,

Will bow to muse's explanation here since it is essentially what I would have said. But let me see if I can put it into words that will make you feel it.

When writing a story an author has to capture the reader and hold him hostage to his words. If the reader spots these grammatical breaks he can use them to escape, and the money you are asking for goes with him.

[Dragon's muse]

Alex was hurt and angry; only Miranda could irritate him to this point. He was amazed he was even still conversing with this smartass.

"Get away from that cyber crap," his friend, Sue, had (delete) told him, "you deserve better than that."

And (delete)she was right, and Alex knew it. It was becoming (delete) obvious that a long-distance Dom had no chance against a smartass sub, who was more into playing mindgames (two words) than actually submitting.

She needed to be physically put over one knee and spanked mercilessly, but she was just too far away. (change to a semicolon)And she took full advantage of that.

So, Alex knew that this wasn't going to work. And (delete) he knew he shouldn't even be trying.

It had started innocently enough, on one of those alternative dating sites. "Control my mind, and my body will follow," read her ad. If all went well, she lived about two hours' drive away. Not too bad.

Alex had a pretty (either delete or change to a more formal sounding word.) high regard for his own chat skills -- hadn't he brought two other women (and Sue, his friend) to creamy orgasms over Instant Messaging? He could do this.

Miranda had other plans, though. They'd chatted nicely for a while, exchanged a few mails, and he'd even made her come, for real, in yet another improvised cybersex scene.

After that, Alex had realized he might have been verbally fondling a 55-year-old truck driver named Sid, for all he knew. Feeling a bit taken advantage of, he'd asked to see her picture, and she had laid out the bait.

"I'll webcam for you, how's that? I feel really close to you after our little session, and I would love to show you more of me."

How could he refuse such an offer? "Absolutely, turn it on."

"Not tonight," she continued, "It's late and I have to work tomorrow morning. How about tomorrow at 11pm (i would change this to "tomorrow night at 11"?"

A bit frustrated, but game, Alex had (delete) agreed. He'd actually been unable to get the upcoming cam session off his mind the entire next (delete) day, and had hurried home from the theatre to be on time.

At 10:55 he had turned on his instant messenger and waited. At 11:00 he'd buzzed her, and seen (just a personal preference, but i would have used "received") no reply. As (delete) he'd turned his attention to other friends online, other hobbies, other work, (semicolon) he had checked back occasionally to see if Miranda had signed on.

Just as he'd been about to go to bed, at 2:10am (maybe try "a little after two", she had popped up. She mentioned casually that she'd been working late. No apology, no remorse. And she was now happy to chat, but "too tired" to turn on her webcam.

He asked her politely to do so anyway, and got a flat "no". She suggested 11pm the next day, and signed off without apology.


...to be continued?

Nice work, i'll get your next assignment up soon.

rose

[Dragon's muse]

Nick,

Will bow to muse's explanation here since it is essentially what I would have said. But let me see if I can put it into words that will make you feel it.

When writing a story an author has to capture the reader and hold him hostage to his words. If the reader spots these grammatical breaks he can use them to escape, and the money you are asking for goes with him.

i really like the hostage analogy.

[Clevernick]

Nick,
...an author has to capture the reader and hold him hostage to his words. If the reader spots these grammatical breaks he can use them to escape...

That's right, Rhabbi! Put it into simple terms any Dom can readily comprehend!

LOL

[Rhabbi]

Anytime Nick.

[Rhabbi]

i really like the hostage analogy.

thank you muse.

[H Dean]

I don't get it.

[H Dean]

No one got the irony of my "I disagree" post did they?

Or was my martini too dry to post ironically?

[tessa]

~raises my hand~

I got it. Don't get the dry part, though. I thought all that wet, sticky stuff was your irony.

[Dragon's muse]

No one got the irony of my "I disagree" post did they?

Or was my martini too dry to post ironically?

My very dear most esteemed Mr. Dean Sir,

We pretty much expect you to disagree. It seems to be your M.O. You are quite good at it.

In my estimation, there is no such thing as a martini being too dry.

Huggles, smooches and a tiny grope,
rose

[Mad Lews]

My very dear most esteemed Mr. Dean Sir,

We pretty much expect you to disagree. It seems to be your M.O. You are quite good at it.

In my estimation, there is no such thing as a martini being too dry.

Huggles, smooches and a tiny grope,
rose

Back to the Clever ones quest about writing as one speaks....
I suspect most of us here are writing as a means of telling stories.
We tend to speak, unless we are being deceitful or very clever, as we form our thoughts, so to some extent, since you are telling the tale, you will write as you speak and in the process telling us not just your thoughts, but also how you got there.
When writing to tell really good stories you need to be able to use a number of different styles and voices for both dialect and changing points of view. You can, of course, get away with just about any consistent semi-coherence, if you bracket it with quotes and it contributes to the story. The narration is a bit subtler but the goal is, of course, the same. In the end it always comes down to who your audience is. The story needs to not just make sense, but the sense you intended to your chosen target, be that the reader, the critique, or yourself. On rare occasions you can do all three.
Nick,
Yes, please do tell us more of the fate of wicked Miranda and the stalwart Alex. I do hope they deserve each other in the end.

Yours
truly Mad
Lews

[Clevernick]

Wow!

I really never expected so much attention for my first assignment, specially with such a short and incomplete story. Thank you all very much!

I really also appreciate all the sophisticated thinking that's going into my question. I think the conclusion I'll take away is that unless the narrator is speaking in dialect for a reason, there's no good excuse to take license with grammar.

On the other hand, I can't agree with needing to use formal voice in particular. What the heck is wrong with "pretty good"? I honestly can't see that distracting or drawing attention to itself.



I will continue Alex and Miranda when I'm done with Harry Potter -- I'm into the last 100 pages now and still have Club Hades to attend tonight.