Nick,

Just wanted to let you know that i have seen this and will get to a review probably this evening.

To address the question of writing the way you speak.

It address clarity. When speaking you have facial expressions, body language, voice inflections to give tone and emphasis where you want them. In text, clarity can only come from the words you choose and how you arrange them. It's not so much about the fewest words to convey the idea, but the best possible words to convey the idea.

There are certain conventions that readers expect. The narrator voice is expected to have more formal usage.

Yes, grammatical rules can be broken, but it should be only in cases where that is the best possible way to say something.

Many of the great writers break the rules regularly. Stephen King's Eye of the Dragon comes to mind, where he actually addresses the reader, has numerous expository "lumps", and mind bending tangents. He makes it work. That is why he is Stephen King and could sell a volume of Grimm's fairy tales translated into pig latin, while i scribble romance tales and strive to break out of genre fiction.

In short, grammar is a foundation. You have to know the rules to know when you can break them and not harm the work.

What fiction has to acheive is to bring the reader into the story. Colloquialisms, places where the reader has to go back to re-read the sentence, misplaced punctuation, spelling errors -- all these things get in the way of the suspension of disbelief that we strive for. Anything that makes the reader say, "Huh?" takes them out of the story. If they find themselves popping out of the story too many times, chances are good that they won't finish it.

Anyway, just my tuppence. i will get a review of this up and your new assignment posted this evening or tomorrow.

rose