Hey - I got to this one!

First off, this was pretty damned good. The manner you told this story, with short and choppy sentences made for an interesting feel. However, there were too many short sentences and two many that started with "I". A little more variation, still keeping the majority of your sentences short, would have set this perfectly.

Since this was told from the first person you could have used contractions. I know that a naration is not supposed to have contractions, but in this instance it would have aided the feel of the story.

I am not going to say anythign else - Moptop actually covered most of what I would have said about this piece.

I will close by offering that you gave this a hell of a feel. I really liked this.