Quote Originally Posted by tessa View Post

For us, 'barely submissive' means that we struggle within our submission. We are strong-willed, passionately opinionated women. We think (sometimes too much) about what it is to actually submit, what it means to us and for us. We understand the depths to which our submission could take us (and the Doms we love), but we are scared out of our hearts and minds about where that might leave us. We are scared because we struggle so much with trusting others and trusting ourselves. Life plays a mean hand sometimes and it has affected how we relate to others and how we perceive ourselves. We honestly want to seek those depths, but the lack of trust holds us back from searching. We know, deep down and true, that we can be so much more in our submission than just "barely". But it takes so much effort and energy to deal with the baggage we drag along with us that it can be an overwhelming task to undertake, for ourselves and for our Doms. And sometimes, because we are so strong-willed and scared and can put on a "pretty face" to hide behind, our 'barely submissive' attitude is seen as the sum total of who we really are and all we can really ever be.
For me, my baggage is mine to deal with. And I have. I never would have been able to take the first step in this life (admitting that I actually want it) without first getting rid of most of the rocks in the sack that I chose to carry on my back for a long (too long) time. Life is too, too short to let the past and my previous untrusting attitude get in the way. My advice to anyone dealing with past events or attitudes rearing their ugly heads: take action and deal with it. Sometimes that means talking it out, sometimes professional help, sometimes just letting go of it - no longer giving the past power to control my present and future.

I'm afraid that I make this sound easy and simple - it isn't. It's hard work and even more worthwhile because it isn't easy. But when you succeed at letting go of internal blocks to happiness, you know you've really accomplished something vitally important. And the sense of peace and harmony you'll feel is worth every minute of emotional pain and discomfort you had to go through to reach that point.

Quote Originally Posted by tessa View Post
Our conversation about it all made me think even more. Are we stuck at 'barely submissive'? Is that as far as we can ever hope to go? Is there a way, ways even, that we can step out of this almost-there box and be more of what we dream we can be? Is it possible to be shown the way out of "barely" and led towards that beautiful abyss of total submission? Is it worth the struggle of becoming or do we just give up and accept the place we are, even if it's not where we want to be?
No, it isn't as far as you can hope to go. Here's how I've begun to be more of what I dream: give in. Not give up, just give in. Give in to the reality that some days the only way I get to demonstrate my submissiveness to him is by making him a drink, cooking supper, asking about his day and being there for him to turn to in the night. No play, no ritual, no BDSM stuff to it. But, always be ready, willing, encouraging, communicating and most importantly, listening. I miss the gems of hope and dominance and love that I'm so hungrily seeking when I'm just nodding my head and saying "Uh huh" while I think of other things.

Giving up and accepting are two different things to me. When I give up, I quit trying - I admit defeat. Not something I want to ever do. When I accept, however, I'm admitting that right now my life is the way it is supposed to be. Not the way I would necessarily choose, but the way it is. Period. After accepting, I get to look at what I can do to bring it closer to my ideal. The opposite of defeat!

tessa, you know that I have struggled with the pace that my husband has set in our exploration of D/s and integration of same into our life. My impatience and desire for more, more, more have run into the realities of time and his chosen route. But I am truly beginning to believe (and so is he), deep in my heart and soul, that what we are building will last the rest of our lives - that when I'm 80 years old and he calls me to him in that certain tone of voice, I'll still get that sense of calm excitement inside and begin to get wet.

Finally, (yes, finally!), it's worth the struggle and the struggle is what makes it challenging and interesting and, quite frankly, an amazing turn-on.

jeanne