Unable to convince.........

[tessa]

You say that you have only "dipped a toe" into BDSM. There is a phenomenon called a "sub frenzy", usually happens to new people. It is a manic time where your mind runs from one fantasy to another, each one more extreme than the last. Your mind runs about a gazillion miles an hour, like, "ohmygodthisissofreakinggreatiwantmoreiwanttod oeve rythingrightfreakingnow!"

Even in subfrenzy, baby steps are a good way to go about it. Maybe look into your local scene and see if you can find a mentor for Hubby, who can help him to be more strict. It is unrealistic to expect him to go from zero to 60, in one session. Men have some programming to overcome (don't hit girls, treat your wife with respect, etc).

Look very carefully at your fantasies. Are they realistic? BDSM is, in some ways, no different than nilla. We still get caught up in the rose colored glasses world of perfect Doms who somehow know exactly what we need, perfect subs who revel in absolutely anything that their Dom wants to do and have no limits, and where "real life" never has the gall to intrude its ugly head.

Frankly, there are lots of fantasies that should stay fantasies. (i have several of that variety, doesn't stop us from verbally exploring them, but we both have sufficient sense to know taking them real time would be dangerous to me, to him and/or to our relationship).

And to add to the earlier posts about communication. Let me empahsize that part of communication is listening. He is telling you something very important about himself. Monogamy is important to him. Is it a dealbreaker? You'll have to find that out.

Be careful, and make sure the ice will bear your weight before you go do the watusi in the middle of the lake.

sassy, all the comments made here are very valid and good. But re-read Dragon muse's post over and over again. It's the most perfect advice you will ever receive about your situation.

All the best to you!

tessa

[Hime]

It's possible that your husband will come around eventually. Not that you're going to come home one day and find he's installed a dungeon in the basement, but that he will like the idea of being your master and want to explore that further. From the way you phrased it, at least, he certainly feels possessive towards you, which might be a start.

Everyone's experience will vary, of course, but in my own relationship, that was how it worked out. I told him when we were engaged that I was interested in BDSM, and his initial reaction was "I can't hurt you. I can't hit you. I would be ok with tying your wrists, but that's about it." Because of his personal history, his strongest reaction came from his fear of being abusive. It took him a few months to get used to the idea enough to realize that he was actually really excited by it, and that being a loving Dominant is not the same as being an abuser (although that is an issue we still struggle with at times).

If you think that you have a chance to convince him (say, if you've noticed that he has some dominant tendencies), don't push it or act like he's disappointing you if it doesn't work out. Instead, show him how BDSM can be part of things that he enjoys. In my experience, the biggest turn-off for most guys is feeling pressured. If your previous experiments didn't work, it might have just been because of that.

The other thing that might work, but only if you are bi or bi curious, is finding a female Domme to play with, with your husband's permission -- a lot of men don't see their wife being with another woman as quite as bad as being with another guy. Especially if they get to watch.

[jeanne]

Not that you're going to come home one day and find he's installed a dungeon in the basement, but that he will like the idea of being your master and want to explore that further.

"I can't hurt you. I can't hit you. I would be ok with tying your wrists, but that's about it." Because of his personal history, his strongest reaction came from his fear of being abusive. It took him a few months to get used to the idea enough to realize that he was actually really excited by it, and that being a loving Dominant is not the same as being an abuser (although that is an issue we still struggle with at times).

If you think that you have a chance to convince him (say, if you've noticed that he has some dominant tendencies), don't push it or act like he's disappointing you if it doesn't work out. Instead, show him how BDSM can be part of things that he enjoys. In my experience, the biggest turn-off for most guys is feeling pressured. If your previous experiments didn't work, it might have just been because of that.

sassycat - my experience and advice mirrors moptop's - show him how BDSM can be part of something he likes (oh, BJs for example...give them on your knees and ask for whatever level of force/hair/head manipulation you'd like and he might be willing to do ). That was where I started finding what it felt like to me to be submissive, and then began sharing my feelings and desires with him - and we have progressed at a slow, steady pace since. Now, 10 months later, he's become a loving Dominant, curious and excited to see where we go on this path next. (And wanting to be the guide on that path, rather than me. Yes!!)

Good luck to you - I hope you find what you are seeking.