Hi Moptop and all,

Keep it going. This is the way the class is supposed to work. With all of us giving opinions and suggestions to help take us to the next level of our writing.

Moptop, you've created a delightful tale. I like how the guy takes his time, setting the stage for what he wants. There are many things to like about this story:

The setting,
time of day,
the dom in control,
his slut displayed so beautifully,
and his desire to "rape" sleeping beauty.

Mmmm.... wonderful.

To help with the “male / woman” speak concept in general and for first person stories. In my opinion:

Men think and want.
Women feel and need.

Men tend to be blunt, women flowery.

Men often speak and communicate in a logical flow: first A, then B, insert part C into slot D, etc.
Women often tell a story out of order, with random bits thrown in for emphasis and emotions sprinkled through out.

Both can be quite good at describing sensual items like touch, smell, sights, sounds, and tastes.

Here's an example of something I wouldn't call "man speak".

This particular morning, though, I was woken at dawn by the sun slanting across my eyes and the birds singing their territorial hearts out.
This one reads like a girl speaking as written. Because of this line, I wasn't sure which gender was telling the story until he mentioned his cock and balls.

For guy speak, even a refined guy, you might use something like this:

The combination of sun streaming through the window and the noisy birds outside woke me.


Notice this line also works for the intro to the story.

The combination of sun streaming through the window and the noisy birds outside woke me. I always wake up before my slut. She’s good at many things, but she excels at sleeping. You could set off a small nuclear explosion next to her and she wouldn’t notice.

I'm afraid I'm English - realising is right! I also spell color 'colour', grey 'gray', and various other things like that. It must feel uncomfortable to you - I find US spelling uncomfortable - but I don't believe there is any convention in the library to oblige use of US spelling - Ruby?
Use the English - UK or US that is natural for you.
Editors have spell checkers for both.

Ooh, lovely! I hadn't thought of him as predatory, but yes, you're right, he is isn't he. That's just given me a lovely shiver. Thank you for allowing me to see my own story differently!
Yes, he is predatory and quite enjoyable!

Re the reaction to the wake-up pain - and cariad's comment on fear - yes, points taken, I will re-work. (I did have her momentarily afraid, but it obviously isn't strong enough). And having been whipped on the pussy - well, yes, a really good yell would be appropriate.
Yes, a good yell would be appropriate. I tend to wake up crabby and angry when my "beauty sleep" is disturbed.

I shall save my re-workings for a while... JUST in case a male deigns to drop by...
Yes, please do save those re-workings for a bit longer.

Here's a few more edits/suggestions to consider:


Early one morning

The combination of sun streaming through the window and the noisy birds outside woke me. I always wake up before my slut. She’s good at many things, but she excels at sleeping. You could set off a small nuclear explosion next to her and she wouldn’t notice.

* There's no reason for him to be "gentle" yet. Do men really get up gently or announce that they have done so?*

I swore to myself, realising that I wasn't going to get back to sleep. So, I got up and went to sit in the chair across the room. It is just in front of a window, and I thought I’d read while I waited for slutty-pie to wake up.

* Balls crawling was too funny. It broke up the mood for me to imagine them crawling along trying to get to her. *

I sat down in the chair, and when I looked up, I was suddenly taken by a sight that made my balls my cock twitch. It was already hot, at this time of year it never gets cool, so we were both starkers, with only a light sheet on the bed. We’d kicked the sheet off some time during the night, so the bed contained only my little nekked whore.

She wasn't just lying any old how, oh no. Even asleep my little darling was still the ultimate sub. She slept on her back with her legs spread wide and not a detail of her beautiful shaved pussy escaped my view. Her arms were above her head, crossed at the wrists. I’m not kidding. She was simply, perfect.

I sat and watched her for a while, amazed at this beauty, so naturally spread and offered. My cock joined in and urged me just to leap straight on top of her. "Go on," it said, "Plunge into her offered delights. Hold those wrists and pin her down and take her with one sharp thrust. Rape the Sleeping Beauty."

But I wanted to enjoy this a little longer.

Instead of listening to my prick, I got up (no comma needed) very quietly. Even though she’s a heavy sleeper, I didn’t want to risk spoiling the moment. I went over and opened the toy box. Carefully avoiding any clinking sounds, I picked out the items I needed. (only one period)

I went back (deleted over) to the bed with my booty. I’d spent a lot of time choosing that bed. There isn’t a single edge I can’t clip, lock or tie something just how I want. And I definitely wanted what?.

I stood over her for a few minutes, just drinking her in. Her head was turned to the left, framed by her raised arms and long wavy blond hair. Her tits were a little flattened from being on her back. Her brown nipples were sticking out, titillated by the early morning breeze. I reached out and very, very lightly ran my hand from her elbow down her side, sensing each rib, the dip of her waist and the curve of her hip. She sighed and twitched slightly. I stopped and waited for her breathing to become deep and slow again. (removed some extra commas)

I moved to the foot of the bed. Very carefully, I clipped first one and then the other padded metal shackle around her ankles, padlocking them shut. I clipped the chains onto the metal frame. This left her with just a little movement, but no more than about an inch for each leg.

The legs had been easy. I had to be more careful with the wrists. I couldn’t risk waking her. Slowly and carefully, I moved the top one slightly to one side and waited. I watched her face. She turned her head to the other side. A little frown appeared briefly. She shuffled her hips into the bed a little more. (I'm not sure what that last line means. Moving her hips, yes, onto the bed a bit more? Hmmmm.) But she stayed asleep.

With infinite care, I locked the shackles on her wrists (no comma) and clipped the chains to the same point on the wrought-iron bed-head. This lifted them very slightly off the mattress. I was sure that now (no comma) she would start to surface. I hoped she was having a nice erotic fantasy. I imagined her pussy swelling and getting wet and glistening. I went back to the foot of the bed to look. Oh yes. She may still have been asleep, but her dreams were working overtime.

She shifted slightly, pulling on her arms a little. OK, it was time I moved. I wanted it to be me who woke her. I didn’t want her to wake on her own. I stepped quickly back to the side of the bed and started to stroke her with the whip. Each of its soft leather fronds tickled gently across her: her exposed neck, her soft breasts, her flat belly; her spread thighs… outside… then in…

* We don't know that she is being tickled gently, because we aren't in her head. He is guessing here and perhaps is imagining what she is feeling. This is a great example of jumping from first person narration to an omnipresent narrator in the middle of a tale. It can't be used, so we need a work around. *

Using the soft leather strands fronds of the whip, I tried to tickle her gently across her exposed neck, her soft breasts, her flat belly, and her spread thighs. I aimed for outside then in, repeatedly.

She moaned, stretched, her eyelids flickered. This was exactly the moment I wanted. I brought the whip down hard, really hard, right onto her stretched, wet pussy lips. She woke yelling. Her body arched as she tried to pull away, but she was trapped from head to foot. As she pulled and wriggled, the chains rattled. Her eyes opened suddenly and very wide. They showed she was frightened for a moment, then, recognising me and the situation, they immediately sparked with anger.

* Again, he is guessing her emotions. So he might make a statement that is something reflects his point of view. *

It looked like she was frightened for a moment before recognising me and the situation. I think her fear turned quickly to anger.

She yelled, “What the fu-?”

I just gave her my best mean, mean smile and ran the whip over that luscious quivering body again. What a way to start the day.
Other things to consider:

What does his sub look like?
Would giving the color of her hair or eyes help make this story more real?
What are the things besides her pose he find attractive?
Early on, our story teller hinted that he wanted her to wake with him inside of her, instead, she wakes to the whip. Is that really what he wanted?

Moptop, while you are waiting for the men to respond, do you want to begin another assignment?

Keep the great work and write on!

Ruby