Quote Originally Posted by moptop View Post

Early one morning

I woke up early that morning. I always wake up before my slut – she’s good at many things, and one of the ones she’s best at is sleeping. You could set off a small nuclear explosion next to her and she wouldn’t notice.
I don't like that phrase. Sounds kind of childish.

This particular morning, though, I was woken at dawn by the sun slanting across my eyes and the birds singing their territorial hearts out. I swore to myself, realising that I just was not going to get back to sleep now. I got up gently and went to sit in the chair across the room. It is just in front of a window, and I thought I’d read while I waited for slutty-pie to wake up.
"Woken" is a bad word to use no matter what.

If you are going to use slang, use contractions. This is a guy talking.

I sat down in the chair, and when I looked up, I was suddenly taken by a sight that made my balls start crawling and my cock start twitching. It was already hot – at this time of year it never gets cool – so we were both starkers, with only a light sheet on the bed. We’d kicked the sheet off some time during the night; so the bed contained only my little nekked whore.
"Balls crawling" is not something most guys would use. If he did it would not be for something good.

You pushed the slang too far with "nekked".

But not just lying any old how, oh no. My little darling, even asleep, was still the ultimate sub. She was lying on her back, her legs spread wide so not a detail of her beautiful shaved pussy escaped my view; and she had her arms above her head, crossed at the wrists. I’m not kidding. She was just – perfect.
No need for the semi-colon. Just start a new sentence and get rid of the "and".

I just sat and watched her for a while, amazed at this beauty, so naturally spread and offered. My cock joined in and urged me just to leap straight on top of her. Go on, it said: plunge into her offered delights, hold those wrists and pin her down and take her with one sharp thrust, rape of the Sleeping Beauty.
If a guy is going to give his cock a personality it is going to join into something - not just join in. Did his cock join in the revery he was finding? Did it jump into the conversation he was having with himself? What? Give it something to join into.

But I wanted to enjoy this a little longer.

Instead of listening to my prick, I got up, very quietly. Even though she’s a heavy sleeper, I didn’t want to risk spoiling the moment. I went over and opened the toy box, choosing a few things carefully. I had to be careful of the clinking.
One sentence would cover this beautifully. Try "...choosing a few things carefully, while fighting off the inevitable clinking of metal." or something to that effect.

I went back over to the bed with my booty. I stood over her for a few minutes, just drinking her in.
"I Went" should be "Going" or "Returning to" and you should get rid of "just" and add in what you were really drinking in. Was it her beauty? Was it her posture? Give us an adjective or something. Show us how beautiful she is.

[QOUTE]Her head was turned to the left, framed by her raised arms and long wavy blond hair. Her tits were a little flattened, being on her back, but her brown nipples were sticking out, titillated by the early morning breeze. I reached out and very, very lightly ran my hand from her elbow, down her side, sensing each rib, the dip of her waist and the curve of her hip. She sighed and twitched slightly. I stopped, and waited for her breathing to become deep and slow again.[/QUOTE]No guy is going to use a titilated sentence to describe an early morning breeze on nipples. Also, you don't sense each rib, you feel them if you are touching them. You tried to go a little too poetic.

[QUOTE]I went to the foot of the bed. Very carefully, I clipped first one and then the other padded metal shackle around her ankles, padlocking them shut. I clipped the chains onto the metal frame. This left her with just a little movement, but no more than an inch each leg, I reckoned. I’d spent a lot of time choosing that bed: there isn’t a single edge I can’t clip, lock or tie something just how I want.

The legs were easy. I had to be more careful with the wrists. I couldn’t risk waking her. Very, very carefully, I moved the top one slightly to one side; waited; I watched her face hard. She turned her head to the other side, a little frown appearing briefly, and shuffled her hips into the bed a little more. But she stayed asleep.[/QOUTE] Couldn't or didn't want to?

I gently, gently locked the shackles on her wrists, and clipped the chains to the same point on the wrought-iron bed-head. This lifted them very slightly off the mattress. I was sure that now, she would be starting to surface. I hoped she was having a nice erotic fantasy. I imagined her pussy swelling and getting wet and glistening. I went back to the foot of the bed to look. Oh yes. She may still have been asleep, but her dreams were working overtime.
Very, very and gently, gently and every sentence starting with "I". Everything being so passive - I locked, I hoped, I went. Give me some action. Give me "Going to", "locking the", "Hoping", etc. Give me some action. Give it to me now.


She shifted slightly, pulling on her arms a little. OK. It was time I moved. I wanted it to be me who woke her; I didn’t want her to come awake of her own. I stepped quickly back to the side of the bed, and started to stroke her with the whip. Each of its soft leather fronds tickled gently across her: her exposed neck her soft breasts, her flat belly; her spread thighs… outside… then in…
Is it a whip or a fern?

She moaned, stretched, her eyelids flickered. This was exactly the moment. I brought the whip down hard, really hard, right onto her stretched, wet pussy lips. She leapt awake yelling, her body arching as she tried to pull away and found she was trapped head and foot. As she pulled and wriggled, the chains rattling, her eyes opened suddenly and very wide. They showed she was frightened for a moment, then, recognising me and the situation, they immediately sparked with anger.
Finally some action. This is finally happening now. Unfortunately, her eyes "they showed" they weren't "showing" or "flashing".

“What the fu-?”

I just gave her my best mean, mean smile and ran the whip over that luscious quivering body again. What a way to start the day.
Get rid of just and stop repeating yourself. "Very, very", "gently, gently", Mean, mean". None of that works.

The biggest bitch about this breakfast scene is that it is far to passive. The other is that there is a sophomoric streak that you have fallen into. You can avoid by simply choosing your words better. A "mean, mean" look is not remotely interesting. Give me something more here. I would have given her and evil "you're about to get fucked hard" look.

A good story - but not how a guy would tell it, especially the "whip fronds". Those are fucking lashes, bitch! And I was about to raise some welts on her well-used pussy. Yeah, she was going to scream. She was going to scream loud.