I am gonna give you something - a re-write of one paragraph.

She moaned, stretched, her eyelids flickered. This was exactly the moment. I brought the whip down hard, really hard, right onto her stretched, wet pussy lips. She leapt awake yelling, her body arching as she tried to pull away and found she was trapped head and foot. As she pulled and wriggled, the chains rattling, her eyes opened suddenly and very wide. They showed she was frightened for a moment, then, recognising me and the situation, they immediately sparked with anger.
Moaning, she stretched, eyelids flickering and heavy with sleep. This was the moment I wanted. Were she awake, the sound of the whip cutting through the air would have excited her. She did not hear it. Instead, her peaceful sleep was abruptly brought to an end as the lashes found her damp pussy. She arched her body, fighting and tugging to flee from the sudden pain. Discovering that she was trapped, bound in her place of pain, her blue eyes flashed fear. A cloud of anger quickly replaced her fear when she recognized the face of her rude and painful awakening.


I am not trying to show you up and my re-write may not be great. It was done rather hastily. The point I am trying to make with it is the immediacy a minor change can make. Bring the action to the here - make it happen instead of making it "happened". Certainly you cannot do this all the way through. It would come off very poorly. I think you get the drift, though.

Also, if you offer descriptions of the people involved it makes it more alive. You don't have to describe each feature of a person. But, if you include their descriptions in the actions it will bring it closer to home. Latching a cuff around a delicate wrist or the like can really bring it home.

The Beast has been poked - The Beast Has Spoken!