moptop's Assignment 1 proper - finally!

[moptop]

Oh dear. I have been known to use it.

[Ruby]

Mr. Dean,

Thank you so much for hopping in with your excellent comments.

I am gonna give you something - a re-write of one paragraph.

Moaning, she stretched, eyelids flickering and heavy with sleep. This was the moment I wanted. Were she awake, the sound of the whip cutting through the air would have excited her. She did not hear it. Instead, her peaceful sleep was abruptly brought to an end as the lashes found her damp pussy. She arched her body, fighting and tugging to flee from the sudden pain. Discovering that she was trapped, bound in her place of pain, her blue eyes flashed fear. A cloud of anger quickly replaced her fear when she recognized the face of her rude and painful awakening.

Moptop and all,

I'll take that re-write and make a few changes to make the action "active tense".

Moaning, she stretched, eyelids flickering and heavy with sleep. I wanted this moment. Were she awake, the sound of the whip cutting through the air would have excited her.

*** Okay, he knows her, and can make this statement. ***

She did not hear it.

*** Really? Are we in her head? How do we know she didn't hear it? I'd delete that line. ***

Instead, her peaceful sleep abruptly ended as the lashes found her damp pussy. She arched her body, fighting and tugging to flee from the sudden pain. Discovering that she was trapped, bound in her place of pain, her blue eyes flashed fear. A cloud of anger quickly replaced her fear when she recognized the face of her rude and painful awakening.

*** If someone is writing from the first person, I want them to show me through her actions instead of telling me what she is feeling without any "proof". Consequently, there is some action missing. Eyes flashing and fear and cloud of anger, while being easy to proclaim, haven't been justified by any actions. ***

Moptop wrote:

Also, some of your advice contradicts Ruby's. Well, specifically, the paragraph you rewrote. And this is one of the points I'd like to pick up for general discussion, where I mentioned I don't necessarily agree with Ruby: you have included knowledge of the other person's feelings. Ruby always says the narrator can't know what the other person is feeling, and wants 'I think' or 'I reckon' or 'I imagine' or whatever added in. It's a real shame Ruby can't be around too much at the moment, I'd love to get her in this discussion.

In my opinion, unless the first person storyteller has supernatural powers then stating another character's feelings, without that character doing so or letting the reader know how the narrator knew, is bending and breaking the rules of a first person story.

In Moptop's story, it would break the action to say something like, "I later discovered that she was furious with me, she told me so at breakfast." Ack. If she's furious, let her actions and words show it.

"Untie me this minute you son-of-a-bitch", she yelled. She kicked her legs and yanked on the chains, barraging me with a litany of cuss words.

is going to give me the reader and the narrator a huge tip-off that she's pissed.

Just yelling a cuss word, with "flashing eyes" that can be easily misinterpreted, doesn't give enough clues. Heck, she could be a pain slut who loves to cuss and get whipped. She could be someone screaming, "no!" on the outside, but pushing her hips forward and yelling "yes" on the inside.

Moptop wrote:

Why? One can absolutely read people's emotions in their faces. One can absolutely know that someone is frightened, angry, etc. Body language and expression are important communication methods.

Yes, they often can know and thus your task when writing in the first person is to "show us" how they know. Give us enough action, that when you decide to tell what she's feeling, it's been backed up by good description.

From the original draft: "She moaned, stretched, her eyelids flickered. This was exactly the moment. I brought the whip down hard, really hard, right onto her stretched, wet pussy lips. She leapt awake yelling, her body arching as she tried to pull away and found she was trapped head and foot. As she pulled and wriggled, the chains rattling, her eyes opened suddenly and very wide. They showed she was frightened for a moment, then, recognising me and the situation, they immediately sparked with anger."

Before I read that last line, I want to "see" what the storyteller saw. What happened that clued him into the change from fright to anger? Did her eyebrows raise and then fall? Was her mouth in a large "O", then the lips suddenly tightened or raised to reveal gritted teeth? Did she purse her lips and tilt her chin? Did she glare at him?

Moptop wrote:

And anyway, I am God, as a writer. Even if I'm writing first-person, it is my person. And if I want him to know, why shouldn't he? Is that omniscience disallowed in first person, automatically?

Moptop, you are the goddess of your story. If you want your storyteller to know something, he can know it. And he can also be a better storyteller by letting us in on how he knew.

In my opinion, "omniscience" is disallowed in the first person story, unless the storyteller has been granted the powers of "omniscience" in a manner that is believable and acceptable to the readers.

Moptop wrote:

On the style comments Dean - you are right. I am simply guilty of lazy writing. No, not simply, or not entirely - but I repeat words too often without looking for the right word. (Well - actually, yes I do! It's a middle-aged female thing - vocabulary somehow begins to elude us...). I shall try to be more succinct; more active; more action oriented; and use more adjectives.

That's a great challenge you've given yourself.

Moptop wrote:

I'm glad it's a short piece. Next re-write due!

Good luck, Moptop!

[moptop]

Thank you, Ruby, I'm really glad you were able to find time to reply to this. What you say makes a lot of sense. I do need to be more descriptive. Damn - as well as more succinct; more active; more action oriented; and using more adjectives!

Lordy Lordy. This may take a little time...

[Ruby]

Thank you, Ruby, I'm really glad you were able to find time to reply to this.

Thank you for your patience.

What you say makes a lot of sense. I do need to be more descriptive. Damn - as well as more succinct; more active; more action oriented; and using more adjectives!

Lordy Lordy. This may take a little time...

You can do it!

Meanwhile, are you enjoying writing in the first person?

[moptop]

Oh, yes - I like writing in the first person. Not all the time, but it is fun to do it sometimes. I do find it hard to try to be a man - it is a very useful exercise; and especially useful to get the odd grunt back from some of the men!

[H Dean]

Ah, Ruby, you are so correct in so much of what you say. Your corrections to what I offered were very sound.

*** If someone is writing from the first person, I want them to show me through her actions instead of telling me what she is feeling without any "proof". Consequently, there is some action missing. Eyes flashing and fear and cloud of anger, while being easy to proclaim, haven't been justified by any actions. ***

That, more than anything else is a perfect explanation of what first person narrative should be. It is something I failed at in my re-write.