Rhabbi,

Thanks for all the feedback. On reflection I think you are right that the business terms probably go a little over the top...I wanted to convey that Jessie actually knew a lot about business and didn't want to have readers who also did thinking "man, this guy is a moron. Stuff doesn't work that way at all." But I will look through it and try to find more layman-but-accurate terms to put in there.

Some of the repeated phrases I used were specifically for emphasis or part of the story (no, not that, "all about having fun," etc) but I have no doubt that I overdid some things. Could you give me some other examples of cliches and repeated phrases which you found particularly jarring/annoying?

Are your comments on basic grammar (spelling, sentence structure, etc) all covered in your comments, or were there other clumsy bits that bothered you? Unfortunately I do not have Word, as I use a Mac, and I only have freeware office software. If you or anyone else on the site knows of a good freeware grammar checker for OS X, I would love to try it out

If I make some changes and post another draft, would you be willing to suffer through it again, or have your eyeballs taken all the bleeding they can?