The Joys of a High-Maintenace sub

[wingsofanangel]

Sooo this is getting a lil heavy..

how about we go back to focusing on me

[Warbaby1943]

Sooo this is getting a lil heavy..

how about we go back to focusing on me

And what should that focus be?

[Hime]

Oz --

I can see where you're coming from. It actually reminds me of something my grandmother used to say -- that you shouldn't tell children that they're cute, because then they'll learn how to use it to their advantage. If a Dom took too much care to reassure his/her submissive that it's ok to be high maintenance and that it's good to be a challenge, that could easily turn into a frustrating situation where it was impossible to maintain discipline.

However, I have seen plenty of women in vanilla relationships forcing themselves to put up with neglect and downright bad behavior from their SOs because they "don't want to be high-maintenance." A lot of women seem to want to be "low-maintenance" so much (because they think it's the only way to be attractive to men) that they ignore their own warning signs and limits. In a vanilla relationship, that can lead to a lot of pain, but in a BDSM relationship it could be even more serious. I don't want to see women coming into this community thinking that it's not ok for them to ask for reassurance, aftercare, or even respect for what they will and won't do, you know? You can say that a good Dom will know when to provide care and attention, but honestly, even the best Dom will sometimes have a moment of distraction or self-absorption* and not notice that his sub is struggling in a way that isn't positive or healthy.

So it seems to me that whether you glorify high- or low-maintenance, the terminology still presents a lot of problems. My opinion, which may or may not be welcome, is that that's because it's an essentially sexist idea -- that women are like cars, which provide certain benefits in return for a level of "maintenance" that is ideally kept as low as possible. In other words, the sex (and presumably cooking, child-raising, etc) are the "ride" and the time you spend talking, cuddling, and bonding are like, say, changing the oil. Having to maintain a relationship is the price you have to pay for regular pussy. Considering the value that people in this lifestyle (and on this forum!) put on their relationships, it's not surprising that using this kind of terminology, even jokingly, would lead to conflict.