emi,

these feeling and thoughts are not unique to you, many if not all people have them at one time or another, and in varying degrees. no one truely knows the cause, if it's "nature" or "nurture." (meaning genetic or environment) there are many ways to try to change these thoughts and feelings. not all work for all people and no one way is right. everyone who has posted in response to you has had a little or a lot to offer on how to approach this from different viewpoints. there are many good ideas here but it takes effort and motivation to do any of them at a time when you may have no motivation and the effort required seems impossibly great and therefore impossible. realize...you have made the first steps towards feeling better, no matter how you actually feel, just by your post. if you keep talking to others you will hopefully find, just by the sheer number of people who have these same thoughts and feelings, that it can be an illness, short or long term. a good next step to take might be seeing a good counselor, just remember, as with all people, you may not get along well with the first one you choose. keep looking until you find the one that "fits" you, that can be the difference between them helping or harming you. remember, if you are able to do one thing right, which i think you are since you did start this thread, then there are things that you are able to do right and some do very well at.

i know i've rambled and restated things others have said, but sometimes hearing it one more time or stated differently makes the difference.


one little piece of wisdom my father shared with me helped me during my own worst time: "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." it may not always fit each persons situation, such as something long term, but it helped me remember that as long as there is life there is hope.