What's in a word?

[tessa]

Too much at times, apparently. Made me wonder.

The 'word'. We've all said it. We've used it, abused it, tortured others mecilessly with it. We whip it out when we are sad, mad, irritated and/or frustrated. We hide behind it while beating others to death with it. It's used specifically for punishment when we put our minds to it. It's the most dreaded word in existence for the one having to hear it. When wielded properly, it can bring even the most steadfast of Doms to the edge. It's the bastard in the family of words.

"Fine"

There it is. Big bold letters. And no matter what context you put it in, it comes across in the same impassioned "I don't give a shit, but you'd better" way.

"I'm fine."

"That's fine."

"Fine, whatever you want."

Couple it with the arched brow, I-can't-believe-you-asked-me-that look, and the earth tilts on its axis.

So, why do we use it? What are we really trying to say? When we pull out our most powerful of word weapon, are we looking to maim and destroy or are we just the shaky-handed scaredy cat trying to get some attention?

I ask in the most sincere of ways. This word keeps popping up around me, much like a pesky weed, and I want to know how it's seen and used by others. If I learn more about it's evil ways, then maybe I can eradicate it from my existence.

Thanks in advance.

tessa

[princess_of_pain]

I think most people are scared to give voice to how they truly feel. Where that fear comes from (fear of owning one's emotions, fear of having our feeling's invalidated/ignored, or being chastised for them, fear that perhaps we truly are being petty or childish and don't want to give others enough specifics to call us on such behavior, etc.). We live in a world where people are constantly bombarded with the message that unless we're happy and pulled together 24/7, there's something heinously wrong with us; we're not keeping in line with (so-called) normal human behavior. And we all know the ultimate price one pays for deviance--ostracism.

Of course, the above is nothing more than one person's humble opinion. Shit house philosophy from the Princess of Pain.

[Flaming_Redhead]

"Fine"

There it is. Big bold letters. And no matter what context you put it in, it comes across in the same impassioned "I don't give a shit, but you'd better" way.

"I'm fine."

"That's fine."

"Fine, whatever you want."

Couple it with the arched brow, I-can't-believe-you-asked-me-that look, and the earth tilts on its axis.

So, why do we use it? What are we really trying to say? When we pull out our most powerful of word weapon, are we looking to maim and destroy or are we just the shaky-handed scaredy cat trying to get some attention?

F.I.N.E. stands for fucked-up, insecure, neurotic, emotional

"I don't give a shit, but you'd better" is a LIE. Of course I give a shit. I want someone else to give a shit, too.

"I'm fine." It's what I tell others to cover up that everything's NOT okay. I get tired of drama just like everybody else. I hate to always be cracking apart at the seams. Of course, anyone with any sense knows what fine really means. *eyes tessa* Those that do know what it means may be subject to extreme snarkiness from me. Again, that's me trying my damnedest to convince myself and others that I'm a tough bitch and can take care of myself.

"That's fine." This is one of those expressions where maybe I don't like something, but I don't think it's worth pitching a bitch over. I'll go along, and I'll be fine (no, really lol) eventually. It's all wrong, but it'll be alright.

"Fine! Whatever." It's a warning. Rather than say what's really on my mind, I bite my tongue to avoid an all-out confrontation. Right then, I'm so angry I could spit, and I'm hurting because I really do hate to be angry at someone. I don't know whether to yell or cry. Chances are if I say anything at that moment I'll do both. Anyone who's been around me long enough knows that it's gonna come out eventually. I might let an hour or two, maybe a day, go by before looking at you and just letting fly. Thank goodness this chick cools off once she's said her piece!

[Austerus]

"Fine" stands for "If you keep yelling I am going to start yelling. I am going to say fine and leave the room to try and defuse the situation. You know and I know that you got me to the edge of yelling. Come see me when you're ready to have a discussion that won't result in me yelling back at you."

[Alex Bragi]

Great thread tessa, and as a woman, I understand exactly what you mean.

But as John Grey, author of Men are from Mars Women are from Venus says, and I agree with him completely on this, "I'm fine" is different for men and women.

When a man says "I'm fine" means he's fine; he's ok, there's not problem.

But when a woman says it, it can mean you've made me angry; you've hurt me; you've upset me; don't speak to me right now or I'll bit your head off, but rarely does it actually mean she really is "fine".

[Euryleia]

Sorry, tessa, but I find Fine to be more useful than evil.

I'm Fine is handy shorthand. Do we really care about everyone out there when we ask the question "how are you?" No, we don't and we don't have the time to listen to a litany of excuses about why things aren't going well. Much of the day, I just want folks to say fine and let me get on with something/someone more important.

That's fine is my way of giving in without giving up anything. My tone is usually enough to convey that they'll be sorry for choosing that color blouse, changing the project guidelines, or forgetting that important anniversary.

My favorite, though, is Fine, whatever you want. When I hear that, I know I've won. I've been able to browbeat my lover, coworker, random stranger into doing things my way. They're not happy about it now but, when they've had time to reflect, they'll realize that doing it my way was the right way all along.

ER

[gagged_Louise]

Alex, actually I think men often use "I'm fine" and "Fine by me" in the way you point out as the female fashion (or Mr Gray does) only the secondary sense ("I'm hurt, dumbass, leave me alone") is, kind of, less meant to be detected at once.

There is a line I recall J.R. Ewing (in Dallas) would say sometimes when doing business: "I didn't hear that last thing you said. Now let's do some talking..." Spoken right after the other has made a bid or an excuse, that's the active variety of "Fine by me" - the kind you can say when you're in power,. in control and have the room to express "No bullshit with me, now let's talk like I want to talk". "I'm fine" has the same feel of "not enough" but it's said from a position of being powerless.

Great thread, Tessa.

[pixie_dust]

Red hit it pretty close to the mark here, I think.

Typically, when "I'm fine" is brought up, I see it as meaning...

"I don't want this to turn into an argument." or "Why can't you see how hurt/upset I am right now?"

Mostly though, I think we use it when we have conflicting emotions inside and don't know how to express them in words that others (or we, ourselves) can understand.

For example: I'm sure everyone has felt, at times, so frustrated you wanted to smack 'em along side the head, but at the same time you really, really just want to hold them, and be held. Inside you're really screaming..."You just don't get it!"

How to eliminate it? pfft....I don't know. When feelings are on "high alert", communication is pretty difficult. So, unless you have a really good friend who will tie you both up until it's worked out (and untie you later ), I don't see it going away any time soon.

[tessa]

Oh, the replies! I love 'em! Everyone!

I'm gonna pick on a few of them.

We live in a world where people are constantly bombarded with the message that unless we're happy and pulled together 24/7, there's something heinously wrong with us;

How very true! At least in my world, most days it is. So yes, fine is acceptable, desired and basically expected. Is the truth so horrible that the lie is preferred? That's a question to ponder on.

"I don't give a shit, but you'd better" is a LIE. Of course I give a shit.

You are 100% correct, my friend. I do give a shit, but I'll be damned before I'll admit it (and I know you understand that even better than me ~hugs~). How self-defeating (and in my case, ridiculous) is that concept! I've got too much to do to have more to work on. ~sighs~

"Fine" stands for "If you keep yelling I am going to start yelling. I am going to say fine and leave the room to try and defuse the situation. You know and I know that you got me to the edge of yelling. Come see me when you're ready to have a discussion that won't result in me yelling back at you."

Rationality is an awesome gift. I wish I had more of it. Austerus, my thanks for this perspective.

Great thread tessa

Coming from you, Alex, high praise indeed. You made my day!

But as John Grey, author of Men are from Mars Women are from Venus says, and I agree with him completely on this, "I'm fine" is different for men and women.

And therein lies the non-gendered-specific bitch of it all. He says, "'fine" means fine, right?" And she says, "no, "fine" means fine." A case of the tail chasing the dog or the dog chasing the tail. Either way, it still involves that "bitch", I'm thinking.

Do we really care about everyone out there when we ask the question "how are you?" No, we don't and we don't have the time to listen to a litany of excuses about why things aren't going well. Much of the day, I just want folks to say fine and let me get on with something/someone more important.

I don't practice this methodology on a regular basis, because if I don't care to know how someone is, I just don't ask. But I understand it perfectly. The lie is more desirable, I'm finding. ~adds this comment into the pondering of above question~

"I didn't hear that last thing you said. Now let's do some talking..."

Ok, that JR Ewing was quoted makes me smile. This also makes far too much sense to my way of thinking. And thanks, Lou.

Mostly though, I think we use it when we have conflicting emotions inside and don't know how to express them in words that others (or we, ourselves) can understand.

pixie, you helped me so much by saying this. Another piece to the puzzle gets added in.

How to eliminate it? pfft....I don't know. When feelings are on "high alert", communication is pretty difficult. So, unless you have a really good friend who will tie you both up until it's worked out (and untie you later ), I don't see it going away any time soon.

You have the most incredible way of enlightening while making someone laugh out loud. Thank you! ~huggles~

Well, it seems I picked on everyone. My appreciation for the "weed killer", y'all.

tessa

[gagged_Louise]

just adding how it feels appropriate that "fine" (in British English at least) can also mean "cash punishment fees" or the act of sentencing/writing out those fees: "she had to pay a 150$ fine for speeding"

[Ozme52]

Fine Meaning exquisite. As in the sentence

She had a really fine hoohoo.

[tessa]

Fine Meaning exquisite. As in the sentence

She had a really fine hoohoo.

Now that's another kind of 'fine' altogether...more like fine for that.

[seriouslynosn]

I say "fine" because I know the word has these questions around it. I use it when I want my boyfriend to know something is wrong but I'm not ready to talk about it. It is just a signal that there is something bothering me without coming outright and saying so.

[Logic1]

I say "fine" because I know the word has these questions around it. I use it when I want my boyfriend to know something is wrong but I'm not ready to talk about it. It is just a signal that there is something bothering me without coming outright and saying so.

you DO know that hints dont work well on guys right? lol