rach's first assignment

[Dragon's muse]

Finally, i am here.

Nice overall tone and good characterization.
i agree with Rhabbi about the continuity issue, but with that fixed this could be a very good start for a series.

i will get your next assignment posted tomorrow or the next day.

Now, on to the nits. If i hit ones that Rhabbi already touched on, just chalk it up to great minds think alike.

Pain riveted through Paula's head like a dozen hyperactive woodpeckers; she always hated herself when she drank too much. The room span (spun) as she stared at the ceiling. She closed her eyes against the dizziness that swept over her and heaved a sigh. At least she was in her own bed, and didn’t seem to have an unwanted companion, which was a major improvement on some mornings after.

Behind her closed lids, and against the throbbing in her head, she tried desperately to remember anything of the night, but before she got very far, a wave of nausea came over her. She groaned and cursed, lurched out of bed, and stumbled over the wreck of clothes on the floor, nearly landing in an untidy heap. She made it to the bathroom with seconds to spare, and knelt on the cold floor, half sobbing as she was sick down the toilet. The same thought kept going through her head, why did she do this to herself? Finally nothing more would come; she retched for a few more minutes before resting her forehead on the refreshingly cold toilet bowl. She eventually managed to struggle slowly to her feet, shivering in the cold air, and walked half crouched like an old woman back to her bedroom. She crawled back into bed and feeling a little improved went back to trying to remember last night. She remembered a tall, dark man, with kind eyes called Marcus whom she had enjoyed talking to. But (delete) that warm memory led to a less pleasant one. They had been interrupted by a girl, who had decided they were getting too cosy, and pulled him away. She had at the time (delete) assumed she was his girlfriend. Too many "she" here. Maybe give the other girl some sort of tag, "the blonde" or "the chick in the orange tube top". Remember, when you use a pronoun like 'she', it refers to the last person mentioned.Beth had run into him at bar however, and he had told her that the girl was a friend of his brother’s (the way this is phrased the right word to end with is "brother". Or you could refer to the girl as "his brother's friend.). Both she and his brother believed they would be a perfect couple, but he was less convinced.

Paula groaned as she remembered what had happened later, (semicolon here) she had intended to keep her distance, not wishing to cause any hassle, but a few drinks more and all her good intentions had been swept away. She had blatantly flirted with Marcus, snuggling up to him. Her actions had aggravated both the girl and Marcus’s brother and, no doubt, embarrassed Marcus. But (delete)with her courage and stupidity fuelled by drink, she hadn’t cared. Things had escalated with Paula and the girl arguing. (a little awkward here. "Things escalated into an argument with the girl." Beth had eventually dragged her away, but not before Paula had kissed Marcus. She couldn’t really remember what his reaction had been, but she doubted he had been impressed. Her head throbbed even more, and her stomach lurched in remembered embarrassment.

Paula groaned, and, for once, wished she couldn’t remember what had happened. She’d have to be careful going to that particular pub now because it was Marcus’s local. Damn it, The Bird had been one of her favourite places to go. She’d have to apologise to Beth as well, again. She sometimes wondered why Beth still went out drinking with her.

Her mobile phone rang, jangling through her throbbing head. She scrambled too quickly around the bed trying to find it. She swore as it stopped ringing and lay back fighting nausea again. It was probably just Beth ringing to check up (checking) on her, but she should ring her back to reassure her anyway. The phone rang again, making her jump. She had a voicemail. As she listened she started to smile, it was Marcus.

“Hello Paula, its Marcus. I hope you don’t mind me ringing you. Beth gave me your number. I’d love to see you again. My number is…..”