Loving or Strict

[Dr Mabeuse]

BDSM is an expression of love and desire for me. When I'm engaged, I tend to be very passionate--a lot of emotion and hungry kissing and caressing along with the whipping or spanking. Quite honestly, the experience of having someome tied and giving themselves to me is intensely erotic and arousing, and my excitement always shows. I make no effort to conceal it.

I've been told that some women don't like this kind of thing, that they prefer their Doms to be colder and more emotionally distant, and that they find this kind of emotional detachment arousing.

I'm interested to know what subs think of this. Do you want your Dom to be passionately involved with you during play, or do you like the emotional distance? How important to you is it to see his reactions to what he;s doing to you and what you make him feel?

[submissivewife]

Myself I prefer the more passionate side to BDSM. I want my dom to be connected with me and I want to know if what he is doing to me is exciting to him. Knowing that the dom is pleased with not only what he is doing to me but also that I am performing well for him is the best part of it. I think it is very important to a sub to know that the dom is reacting "passionately" what is going on.

If others prefer a disconnected dom then that is their preference mine is quite the opposite.

[learningtopleez]

BDSM is an expression of love and desire for me. When I'm engaged, I tend to be very passionate--a lot of emotion and hungry kissing and caressing along with the whipping or spanking. Quite honestly, the experience of having someome tied and giving themselves to me is intensely erotic and arousing, and my excitement always shows. I make no effort to conceal it.

You have just described exactlly what I find so erotic about being submissive to a Dom that expresses himself this way! Passionately involved please for me!

[Ruby]

No passion, no play for me.

If he played the cold, emotionally distant guy, then I'd wouldn't have fun. I want to see it in his eyes and through his actions, the affects of our play time, during our play time.

That written, I think he can be both loving and strict simultaneously.
Especially, when the naughty pet tries to top from the bottom and he wants to be in charge.

[Rob'sGurl]

Myself I prefer the more passionate side to BDSM. I want my dom to be connected with me and I want to know if what he is doing to me is exciting to him. Knowing that the dom is pleased with not only what he is doing to me but also that I am performing well for him is the best part of it. I think it is very important to a sub to know that the dom is reacting "passionately" what is going on.

If others prefer a disconnected dom then that is their preference mine is quite the opposite.

This is me as well. I could never have a disconnected dom, I wouldn't be happy I need passion to be in a relationship as well.

[Katmandu]

Right! Passion begets passion. If I can't feel His reactions, immerse myself into His adrenaline rush, then it's just as stale to me as....brushing my teeth.

[Barton]

Who would want a sub like that. It would be as interesting as doing laundry to play without passion.

[Dr Mabeuse]

That written, I think he can be both loving and strict simultaneously.
Especially, when the naughty pet tries to top from the bottom and he wants to be in charge.

Yes--strict, but passionate. The naughty pet has to be taken in hand, as does the saucy tease, but my contention is, she's doing it to get a reaction.

So the general consensus seems to be that a sub's gift should be repaid in her master's excitement, that the arousal is a push-pull kind of thing: tying her up makes me hot and my heat turns her on. Kind of a feedback loop?

[her_Joe]

So the general consensus seems to be that a sub's gift should be repaid in her master's excitement, that the arousal is a push-pull kind of thing: tying her up makes me hot and my heat turns her on. Kind of a feedback loop?

And let me add a vote for this from a dom pov -- and a Thank God.

her_Joe

[Rabbit1]

Having your sub give them self to you is the turn on ---and if you do not get passionate about that ----then I agree with the laundry thing---

[mali]

-waves nervously- hi... first post on the forum after being a lurker for a while...

Well, I seem to be different; passionate or distant, it depends on my mood, and my Mistress' or course she can be loving, incredibly passionate, yet at other times distant in some ways.... not uncaring in any way, but colder and harder.

Either one can be a turn on for me, at different times.

[Paul Alexander]

And let me add a vote for this from a dom pov -- and a Thank God.

her_Joe

Right on Joe, It's the passion that makes it worth the doing for both partners. A sub's submission is a precious gift, you insult her if you can't show her your passion!
Paul Alexander

[BaldJean]

Let's have a look at the dictionary definition of "passion".
Main Entry: pas·sion
Pronunciation: 'pa-sh&n
Function: noun
: intense, driving, or overpowering feeling or emotion; especially : any violent or intense emotion that prevents reflection
Hmm, I think I'll pass on this one. Without reflection? No thanks, no passion for me at all!!! Passion does NOT belong into BDSM. In lovemaking anytime, but not in BDSM.

[submissivewife]

Let's have a look at the dictionary definition of "passion".
Main Entry: pas·sion
Pronunciation: 'pa-sh&n
Function: noun
: intense, driving, or overpowering feeling or emotion; especially : any violent or intense emotion that prevents reflection
Hmm, I think I'll pass on this one. Without reflection? No thanks, no passion for me at all!!! Passion does NOT belong into BDSM. In lovemaking anytime, but not in BDSM.

If we are going to start with definitions then you should use the whole definition: Passion--n 1) any emotion, as hate, love, fear, etc. 2) intense emotional excitement, as rage, enthusiasm, lust etc. 3) the object of any strong desire. [P] the sufferings of Jesus, from after the Last Supper through his death on the Cross

This definition came from Webster's New World Dictionary (1990) given this definition why wouldn't passion be part of BDSM? During my journey through BDSM I have felt many emotions and all of those emotions with a good heaping of passion; even anger.

Passion is very real in BDSM for me. Passion is part of every emotion we feel even the negative ones. It is what you do with both the negative passions and the positive passions that will tell what kind of Dom or sub you are.

[Paul Alexander]

If we are going to start with definitions then you should use the whole definition: Passion--n 1) any emotion, as hate, love, fear, etc. 2) intense emotional excitement, as rage, enthusiasm, lust etc. 3) the object of any strong desire. [P] the sufferings of Jesus, from after the Last Supper through his death on the Cross

Passion is very real in BDSM for me. Passion is part of every emotion we feel even negative ones. It is what you do with both the negative passions and the positive passions that will tell what kind of Dom or sub you are.

Well said; only now I don't have a post, you've already covered the subject
Paul Alexander

[Blue_Monday]

I think BaldJean has a point there. To some extent, I feel safer when I know my partner isn't carried away with his passion--I know that he's in control. If the Dom isn't controlling things (including himself!), then who is?

Maybe because I consider a lack of passion a sign of control, I most often fantasize about passionless men--scientists, etc.

I do, of course, want my partner to enjoy himself, satisfy himself, and, very importantly, to love me and care about me. If I thought that he really were cold or uncaring, then I wouldn't feel safe.

When I play the Domme, I am a bit on the cold side myself. I just don't feel like I'm in control if I'm overcome with emotion or pleasure. I really want to take my baby on a roller-coaster ride, and I feel like it's my job to keep my feet on the ground the whole time.

But.... maybe we're all just defining passion differently. If passion means losing control, I don't really like it in BDSM. If it means deep love, caring, respect, and enjoyment, then I consider it a necessity!

[submissivewife]

I think BaldJean has a point there. To some extent, I feel safer when I know my partner isn't carried away with his passion--I know that he's in control. If the Dom isn't controlling things (including himself!), then who is?

Maybe because I consider a lack of passion a sign of control, I most often fantasize about passionless men--scientists, etc.

I do, of course, want my partner to enjoy himself, satisfy himself, and, very importantly, to love me and care about me. If I thought that he really were cold or uncaring, then I wouldn't feel safe.

When I play the Domme, I am a bit on the cold side myself. I just don't feel like I'm in control if I'm overcome with emotion or pleasure. I really want to take my baby on a roller-coaster ride, and I feel like it's my job to keep my feet on the ground the whole time.

But.... maybe we're all just defining passion differently. If passion means losing control, I don't really like it in BDSM. If it means deep love, caring, respect, and enjoyment, then I consider it a necessity!

I like your point Blue....and you are right control is very important and we all probably are defining passion differently. Controlling both negative and positive passions is imparative. I mean if you don't control the positive passions they can have negative connotations and not controlling the negative passion.....well, we won't go there not a pretty picture.

[diannavesta.com]

This is a good thread and interesting because I feel that this issue is more gender driven then anything else. Women are always going to be more emotional thus requiring a higher level of passionate/affection then men. (Of course there are exceptions)

I can’t speak for all submissive men but in my 15 plus years as a lifestyle mistress and professional dominatrix at least 8 out of 10 sub males prefer an aloof, cold hearted bitch approach.

Then again generally speaking and gender aside, there are levels of masochism that require a hardcore, non-emotional attitude. Most of what I’m reading here seems to be relationships that already have a lot of passion in them. Still, I’ve seen some heavy player move into space quickly and you’d never know you were seeing the same person.

Personally I prefer a combination of both. When I’m topping someone my hands rarely leave them. I enjoy using a combination of strict, teasing, passion, pain and always a lot of control.

Dianna

[submissivewife]

Then again generally speaking and gender aside, there are levels of masochism that require a hardcore, non-emotional attitude. Most of what I’m reading here seems to be relationships that already have a lot of passion in them. Still, I’ve seen some heavy player move into space quickly and you’d never know you were seeing the same person.

Dianna

Dianna,

The part I have bolded I don't know what you are saying. Please excuse my ignorance but I have only been in this lifestyle for about 10 months. I have been learning a lot in this time but I am not understanding what this sentence is saying. If you could help me understand what you are saying I would appreciate it.

Thanks
subwife

[diannavesta.com]

Dianna,

The part I have bolded I don't know what you are saying. Please excuse my ignorance but I have only been in this lifestyle for about 10 months. I have been learning a lot in this time but I am not understanding what this sentence is saying. If you could help me understand what you are saying I would appreciate it.

Thanks
subwife

I’m sorry… sometimes I start writing, the phone rings, someone ICQ’s me and I loose my train or thought or I don’t elaborate.

Moving into space… there is a deep part of you that comes out when your submission is seduced. Some might call this sub-space. I believe that the scene foreplay, build/warm up bring you into that space. It’s like another part of you comes to surface. Maybe you only share this part of you with someone of like mind who is also sharing the space with you… a lover/top. Etc.

I have many aspects to my personality. If someone wanted me to describe myself it might be hard. If someone asked me what I was into I would ask. “What day of the week is it?” lol- because it changes. Also different people bring out different things in me. How I might be with one person isn’t going to be the same with someone else. I can be Martha Stewart fluttering around my home catering to a party of friends all warm and fuzzy or I can be Bitchtilla with slaves groveling about serving my every whim. These two personalities are very different yet I’m the same person.

I know some very experienced players who can move into a deep masochistic space simple at sudden will or they might hear or see something that moves them there.

Is that more clear? Please tell me if it isn’t.

Much luck to you on your exciting journey.

[Dr Mabeuse]

Just a note to say that I do distinguish between passion(maybe "emotion" is a better word) and control.

If a dom ever loses control, then you've moved out of the realm of BDSM and into the world of simple physical abuse, and I don't think anyone would find that acceptable, at least not as a BDSM practice.

I guess I mean to ask whether subs prefer their masters to show some emotion during a session or whether they like them cold and aloof. I'm afraid that using the word "passion" gave an idea of a master getting carried away and kind of foaming at the mouth, which wasn't what I meant.

I was playing around with the idea that part of the reason a sub enjoys being punished is that her pain "pays" for her master's pleasure. She's willing to put up with it because she sees how it arouses him.

But then I wondered about subs who prefer their masters to be very cold and unemotional. This is generally a more degrading and severe relationship, and I'd talked to some subs who refused to be with a dom like that because they didn't feel the emotional closeness or reward they got with a more demonstrative master.

[submissivewife]

Just a note to say that I do distinguish between passion(maybe "emotion" is a better word) and control.

If a dom ever loses control, then you've moved out of the realm of BDSM and into the world of simple physical abuse, and I don't think anyone would find that acceptable, at least not as a BDSM practice.

I guess I mean to ask whether subs prefer their masters to show some emotion during a session or whether they like them cold and aloof. I'm afraid that using the word "passion" gave an idea of a master getting carried away and kind of foaming at the mouth, which wasn't what I meant.

I was playing around with the idea that part of the reason a sub enjoys being punished is that her pain "pays" for her master's pleasure. She's willing to put up with it because she sees how it arouses him.

But then I wondered about subs who prefer their masters to be very cold and unemotional. This is generally a more degrading and severe relationship, and I'd talked to some subs who refused to be with a dom like that because they didn't feel the emotional closeness or reward they got with a more demonstrative master.

I liked that you used the word passion. Yes, when one looses control then there is a problem. Passion is one thing and control is another but both are needed to be safe. Controling that passion, any kind of passion, is imparative. When you loose control of your passions then you have problems.

I mentioned before, I like a passionate dominate; one who is willing to participate with passion. Knowing that their passion matches mine only enhances my experience.

Some subs don't just "put up" with the pain. Some, like me, actually enjoy the pain. Seeing that the dom likes it just as much is an added bonus.

I am wondering about your statement, "sub enjoys being punished". I can't speak for all subs, but I sincerly hate punishment. When I am being punished the pain, that I would normally enjoy, is unfulling, humiliating and just awful. If I am in a scene and playing then I thoroughly enjoy the pain. It is a phycological state that I am put in that brings out which I will have: pain with pleasure that is fulfilling or pain with punishment that is more of a torment.

I say torment because just about any sub that is punished will go through many emotionaly states that are all confusing and overwhelming then to have the actual punishment handed out on top of that only adds to the "torment".

I hope I am making sense.

subwife

[Dr Mabeuse]

I am wondering about your statement, "sub enjoys being punished". I can't speak for all subs, but I sincerly hate punishment. When I am being punished the pain, that I would normally enjoy, is unfulling, humiliating and just awful. If I am in a scene and playing then I thoroughly enjoy the pain. It is a phycological state that I am put in that brings out which I will have: pain with pleasure that is fulfilling or pain with punishment that is more of a torment.

I understand, and once again I was kind of tripped up by words. What do you call all the things you do to a sub when you're playing? The spanking, flogging, the clamps; the tying and binding, caressing and pinching, kissing and biting, the wax and whatever else you use? You can't call them "torture" because they don't all involve pain, and "play" always sounds to me like you're talking about a game of hopscotch or Crazy Eights. They're not "discipline", because that implies you're trying to teach them something, so for want of a better word, I called them "punishment".

What I meant though was the kind of erotic torment she goes through in a session, the kind that's uncomfortable but so arousing.

[His_pita]

I can't wait to have his passion all over me!

[orchid]

i agree with mali in that it depends on my mood. while i adore my Master and i enjoy knowing that He is absolutely enthralled with what He is doing to me, there are times when i also thoroughly enjoy Him reacting to me in a distant manner. i much prefer His closeness and passionate responses to all that we do, but sometimes, when He is distant, it gives me the opportunity to play 'bratty' and see if i can't change His mind...those times are a lot fun