For whatever reason I found this topic today and decided to give it a bump. I find this to be a discussion that we should always take another look at from time to time because it is really that important. With the growing numbers of people who are getting involved in the lifestyle, many of them for the first time, I feel a real potential exists for confusion about the difference between consensual BDSM and abuse. Those in the vanilla world pretty much condemn BDSM on the whole as abusive, which we who embrace the lifestyle know is absolutely false. Ours is a world where it is acceptable to seemingly do horrible things to a person, yet we know when the lifestyle is practiced correctly, these things are not horrible at all, but only a means of providing the necessary outlets we value and find meaningful, be we Dominants or submissives.

Abuse is not the same as consensual BDSM, yet abusive relationships do exist within the lifestyle community just as with other segments of our society. While I personally believe abusers in our community are the definite minority, no group unfortunately is completely free of relational abuse. All of us who adhere to the lifestyle but especially the Dominants in our culture, I think are responsible to do all in their power to eradicate it. Given their nature, submissives of course are the ones who are usually the victims of abuse and may suffer the further indignity of feeling isolated and may hesitate to turn to someone for help out of fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes. As with society in general fear, denial, and the lack of knowledge all conspire to slow community response to the serious social problem of abuse. For that reason, I believe it always useful to ask questions such as the one posed here and allow it to be freely discussed.

To me abuse is a defined pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without her or his consent. Because of the presence of the intimidation factor, where there is abuse in any part of a relationship, there can be no consent. It has been said that familiarity breeds contempt. This in a way I think weakens one of the most fundamental tenants of a lifestyle relationship; safe, sane, and consensual. For some these words have become so familiar that perhaps they are not always taken seriously enough in all lifestyle relationships. Safe play comes first, period. This includes the concept of open honest communications from both parties in the relationship and also includes another basic requirement for rational play, the existence and use of safe words and safe signals. Sane can be a bit tougher to understand, because of the difficulty of one person defining what is sane and what is not. Clearly though, sane certainly means staying within reasonable limits. Finally, consensual means agreed upon. BDSM activities should be pleasurable to both parties and no one should be forced to do something. Dominants have the right and I think the responsibility to “push” limits because that is the most easily accessible pathway to growth yet we are also responsible to stop short or coercion or force when it comes to a submissive’s limits. Limits must and should be respected and never unilaterally trampled because a so-called Dominant thinks their opinion is the only one that matters. Physical abuse is quite easily recognized and differentiated from acceptable play. Abuse is non-consensual assaultive conduct or play that is so out of control that a person suffers real injury even to the point of needing medical attention. It is not possible to consent to being battered and anyone who consented to it, I think would surely have significant emotional issues which certainly violate the sane standard.

A few simple questions can help someone understand whether they are involved in acceptable BDSM play or becoming a target of abuse. Does their partner ever hit, choke, or otherwise physically hurt them to the degree that they suffer real injury or are pushed further than where they intended to go? Have they ever been restrained, locked in a room, or had a weapon used against them against their will? Are they at times afraid of their partner? Actual rape and forced sexual acts which are not consensual are most likely abuse. Certainly these activities are role-played but we must never mistake something real for something that is just an enjoyable fantasy. Have your limits been violated? Have you ever heard the words “If you were a true submissive you wouldn’t object, or you wouldn’t feel that way, etc.” when your partner is responding to your expression of anxieties or frustrations with what is going on n the relationship.

It isn’t just in the physical realm where we find abuse. Whenever someone constantly criticizes performance, withholds sex as a means of control when their partner refuses to consent to some activity, ridicules their partner’s limits, or does anything that actually degrades the other person’s self-esteem or feelings of self worth, that is also abuse, verbal abuse and also unacceptable. The lifestyle is no excuse for perpetrating mental cruelty.

I think sometimes we as members of the lifestyle want to think our relationships are completely different from those of the vanilla society. But there is one thing that all relationships have in common. A functional relationship, whether vanilla or BDSM, should be a partnership between persons where both find the interaction experienced to be as mutually rewarding and joy filled as possible.

P