And she finally makes it back. I like the story, lots of interesting places to go with this one. And a nice hook at the end that makes you want to read more. Nice characterizations (although i'm not sure the word nice could apply to Ian -- i adore a sadist)

There are some nits, mostly minor. I suggest your go to the Purdue Onlne writing lab (link is somewhere in the stickies at the top of Level I) and look for the article on punctuation dialogue.

Reading a run on sentence is like listening to a person who talks without taking a breath. The pauses give teh reader time to absorb.

This is good work with scads of potential and i will get your next assignment posted today.

Quote Originally Posted by midnite View Post
Ian barely glanced up from his laptop when Jenifer rushed into the office, shaking water from her raincoat and umbrella. "Jen, are you pathologically incapable of being on time?" He knew that this question was a complete waste of his time, Jennifer was habitually late.

She said, "Sorry, Sir, but I got held up in the rain".

Ian stopped working with his laptop and looked at Jennifer. The six-foot tall blonde was trying to fix her long hair. Ian still couldn't get over how much she looked like Christina Applegate, a television star from the late 1990s.

He thought to himself, "That's it! I am tired of this slave being late all the time and then brushing it off like it's no big deal. I guess I really have no other choice than to severely punish her." (It may be just a stylistic preference, but i think that "punish her severely" would flow better here. Putting 'severely' in the middle splits the infinitive 'to punish'.

Ian pushed the send key on his laptop; he smiled briefly to himself and said, "(capitalize)well ,Jennifer I just canceled the rest of my appointments for the day, would you like to know why? "

Jennifer looked at Ian with a very surprised look on her face, " (capitalize)yes Sir, why did you cancel the rest of the appointments for today"?

Ian stood up and walked slowly over to her, Jennifer stopped fixing her hair, now she was completely focused on Ian, for the first time she could tell by the look on his face that her Master was mad at her. (Run-on sentence here. Divide this up into at least two sentences. "Ian stood and walked slowly over to her. Jennifer stopped fixing her hair and was completely focused on Ian. For the first time she could tell by his face that her Master was mad at her. Just a small matter, but "stood up" is unnecessary, how else is there to stand? Just a simple 'stood" will suffice. Ian quickly moved beside her and grabbed her hair, treating her like the piece of property that she was; he pulled her hair painfully tight.

He said "I canceled all of my appointments for the day because I plan on spending the rest of the day punishing a willful slave, and can you guess who it is?

Meekly Jennifer replied, "me Sir?" Standing there with Master's hand tightly pulling her hair it wasn't much of a guess on her part.

Looking Jennifer directly in the eye and using her hair to hold her attention Ian smiled, slowly took a deep breath, and said "(capitalize)good guess, you should know better than to think that your, a mere piece of property, is (delete) time is more important than mine! Since you were 10 minutes late I am going to double it and use the number 20. First, for the next 20 days your mouth will be used as my urinal. Second, I am going to beat each one of your tits 20 times. You had better hope that my personal slave did a good job of cleaning me this morning because. Third you're going to kneel and use your mouth and tongue to provide my ass hole with 20 minutes of stimulation. Forth you're going to suck my balls for 20 minutes. Fifth you are going to spend 20 minutes with my cock in your mouth providing me with a long slow blow job, after I empty my balls into your mouth, and throat.

I am sure that the taste left in your mouth by sucking on my ass hole, and taking a large load of my semen in your mouth will leave a most unpleasant taste. So you will beg me to place my cock into your mouth and piss down your throat to help remove the taste."

Ian paused to take a deep breath and then continued, "Then I am going to beat your pussy 20 times, paying particular attention to your clitoris. After that I am going to beat your ass hole 20 times. Following that you will insert a 10 inch dildo into your cunt and I am going to force my 10 inch cock into your ass. You are going to dildo fuck your pussy and I am going to fuck your ass for 20 minutes,"

"I really do hope that you remembered to give yourself your daily enema, because after I come in your ass you're going to keep the dildo in your cunt and use your mouth to clean my cock off, I really haven't thought about what I am going to do after that, but I have plenty of time to think up other punishments. "

"Just to let you know if you are ever late again after today you will no longer be my executive assistant, I will either send you to the breeding farm, or the animal training farm." Jennifer cringed when she heard what Ian said because she remembered watching the executive assistant that she had replaced getting raped for the first time by a dog, and the one thing that stood out in her mind was the sound of the girl’s loud scream as the dog’s swollen knot punched through the girl's anal sphincter. (another run-on. Break this one up. Give the reader time to take a breath.
Ian smiled and said "well we both have a lot to look forward to today so let's get started", tightening his grip in her hair Ian said "strip slave and assume position one", Jennifer started to unbutton her blouse knowing that today was going to be a painful day for her.

(C) 2007 midnite Draft in progress. All rights reserved.