I really didn't mean to abandon this for so long...

thanks to everybody who offered advice. I'm straightening my head out quite well right now.

I've decided that I do like this guy enough that I could do a romantic relationship again, but I like what we have right now enough that there's no reason for me to look for one. We're good comfortable friends who have a lot of fun together and also have incredible mind-blowing & increasingly kinky sex.
So I'm leaving things as they are and not pushing anything.
(also i'm an utter coward about discussing my emotions. probably why we broke up in the first place.)

we still have some issues concerning headspace; despite (or possibly because of) how very good he is at playing with mine he's not fully aware of how much it can affect me, and how much my emotions and thoughts get tossed around. And due to my dreadful (but improving!) communication skills I'm not very good at telling him.
But we're getting better and the play is getting better and if it keeps improving at the same rate I will die of a heart attack one of these days.

So, emotional turmoil about 95% settled and I'm a happy camper with a fresh set of bruises.