All I can say is, I liked the story, but the ending wasn't at all satisfying for me. You simply must continue it, otherwise the entry of Aggie into the loo, and poor Maryjo's head-bang are pointless.

The spellings didn't bother me - I'm sure you can spell really (you can certainly spell hyperventilate). HDean was right about the commas - the last one in the highlighted sentence was unnecessary in my view.