Need some advice

[browny]

So i've recently been talking to a mistress i met on collarme about the prospect of an online relationship. Now, im very new at this, and this is my first time in such a situation, and i dont really know what to do, or what to expect. I was hoping some of you could point me in the right direction, impart some advice, share your online experiences perhaps.

What im particularly interested in is how to get to know a potential dom/domme. what kind of questions should i be asking to find out if its worth pursuing. So far we've just shared pictures, and i've asked her about her fetishes. Im wondering if i should take the next step and give her my email now, or whether i should be more wary and find out more before giving it out.

Also, assuming this works out, what can i expect to happen once the relationship does start. I know this is kind of a subjective question since every dom/domme is different and has thier own approach....but any guidelines would be nice.

[Lion]

First of, you have to feel comfortable with this whole thing. If at any point you feel weird or unsure about this, pause, or even get out of this whole thing.

If you are uncertain about sharing your email address just yet, create a new one and give that one to her. Do let her know that the new one isn't your primary email address and inform her why.

Finally, let her know that this is all new to you and that you would rather prefer it at a slightly slower rate or have a few requirements of your own. If she is a good domme, she will definitely understand this, and work with you to make you feel comfortable as you ease into this relationship.

Other people will have different suggestions, you have to decide what feels right.

Oh yes, most importantly, ask questions, no matter how insignificant they seem, I got into the whole thing from a dom perspective once online, but I started asking a bunch of questions to a few people here through PMs and by starting new threads. People here are increadibly friendly.

[Warbaby1943]

Talk and get to know each other as well as you can and believe only what you feel in your heart is true. Sometimes even that can lead you astray so also trust your better judgment.

There is no rush so be sure you want to share any of your personal information before you actually do. You must have full trust in anyone you want a relationship with. If for some reason it doesn't feel right it probably isn't. Don't share anything that can come back to bite you in the ass like you address, phone number, etc. Right now you don't even know if the pictures she sent you are actually her or if, in fact, it is actually a her to begin with. Proceed with caution until you are sure and then still be careful.

Once all is in place discuss what you want out of a relationship and see if your interests are mutual.

[Ozme52]

I suggest continuing via whatever venue CM offers... chatting, private messages through whatever forums you share.

Get to know her as you might any potential penpal. Be truthful and watch for consistancy in what she says... consistancy in attitude and opinion.

My personal thing is to get to know the person and not just roll into play... and that might be a red flag if she insists on immediate compliance from you... but that too is an individual thing... you can't approach it formulaicly.

And once you two do start playing online... that too varies from couple to couple. I suggest you do Sir Russell's limits list... because even online, it's important to be real. Nothing less satisfying than pretending to be submissive... for you and her both.

[Sir_Russell]

my advice is simple be careful on CM their people seem to believe that you have to be a control freak and a sadist to be a Dominant.

[bip0lar]

well, to be honest, what i did with my (OL) Dom when we first met was to be 100% frank. I mean, I'm quite new to the lifestyle, as well, so he, if you don't want to see it as a Dom/sub, is more experienced in the whole situation. I told him about the fact that I'm not entirely sure what my limits are and how far I can take it. I am lucky because he understands what it's like to be new and uncertain. Hopefully your future Mistress (if things work out) will be equally understanding.
Still, my opinion on the matter is to be honest. I don't know you or her, but in the relationship I have with master right now, when I don't understand something, or when I'm really curious about something, I ask for permission to ask a question. However, as you're still in the beginning of the relationship, I think that both of you need time to get to know each other better--and I'm not only talking about fetishes or limits, I'm talking about getting to know the person behind the title--if that's what you both want.

[gemmy]

as i slowly walk along this new path, one word resounds through all of this lifestyle - Time

- take your time choosing the right Master/slave
- take your time enjoying the slow process of communication, building trust, devotion and love
- take your time in all your thoughts - be sure of every thought before acting on it
- take your time in all your actions - build the anticipation, savor each caress (verbal and physical), relish all the new sensations
- take your time in getting to subspace and linger happily there
- take your time in all the slow aftercare and resulting love

done with great care and time, there are many rewards to reap
done with great inpatience and rushing will get you hurt and leave you broken

i'm a highly anxious gurl who's not well know for patience *smiles* but am very glad i've been taking my time to learn - the more i learn...the more i see i need more time to learn properly

for a lot of us it took a great deal of time to realize this part of us so it goes to say we should take our time in enjoying every subtle nuance of the journey - just something to think about *winks*

[yourlilslave86]

TIME is the biggest thing I have to say. In finding my Master here on this site, we have had great lengths of conversations with each other. Trust is an important thing and we have set up a blog for both of us to write in. Writing for me is me being able to show Him more of my personality and what I have going on in my life.

Slow is also a good thing to have. Life is not a race because the ultimate ending is death if you take it slow or fast. You can learn a lot by taking it slow instead of rushing into it. Make sure you know the person before you commit fully.

[browny]

Thanx for all the advice guys. Im definately going to take it slow (although its tough...since this is my first time, im eager to jump in and find out what the buzz is all about ). I've decided not to give out me email address yet...even though i have a seperate on i use for this stuff, i think giving it out indicates a step towards commitment, even if its very minor.

Im kinda hesitant because all of her replies are very straight forward, and abrupt....no details or background, just the answer. But i dont want to jump to any conclusions yet. Im just gonna chalk it up to age (she's 19 according to her profile) and thus lack of experience.

my advice is simple be careful on CM their people seem to believe that you have to be a control freak and a sadist to be a Dominant.

Ya i've noticed that too....its a lot of "do what i say because im better then you, and you're worthless". Its a big turn off.

[underwhere]

Some good suggestions so far. I'm a relative newbie, but I believe a quick study. Here is what I have learned so far:

* These relationships, like most other relationships, are based upon honesty, truthfulness and trust. That being said, I spent a great deal of time starting and responding to forum topics on a different website, interacting with people in the chatroom provided by that same website, and blogging about my thoughts and desires on that same website because I felt that the best way to connect with somebody was to show them who I was, what I was about, and what I was wanting and needing. Many people have told me that my writing comes across as rather raw and real, so perhaps I have a gift there. I know exactly what I want to say and exactly how to say it.

* A relationship, though, is a two way street. Accordingly, I also spent a lot of time observing the banter that occurred on that web site, acclimating myself to the culture of s&m/BDSM and the culture of that website in particular, determining where I felt I fit in, determining the things which were most important to me in a relationship, and perhaps most important, determining the things I was definitely not interested in. In making those self-assessments, it became clear that there were a few people I was definitely not at all potentially interested in.

The real difficult part for me was to make the decision that this was something I genuinely felt I wanted to pursue for myself. My number one concern is my personal safety. The circumstances behind that are extraordinarily complicated, and it was very important for me to make sure that the other person was well aware of my situation and was able to either understand it or be willing to learn about it. I actually got lucky in that the Domme who I am currently in an e-relationship with at the moment (we are trying to make plans beyond that) actually has some level of background experience into some of my circumstances.

Eventually, though not right away, phone numbers and YIM IDs were exchanged. In the few months since, I've spoken with her on the telephone probably 4 times, all of them at my initiation although one was at her explicit invitation, and exchanged instant messages with her a number of times, with initiations split about evenly. She has been incredibly supportive of me both as a newbie and as a person with a rather unique situation.

I reckon that what you should be looking for are similar things. What would make you feel most comfortable with a person you might potentially be engaging in activities which have a certain degree of physical and emotional and psychological harm? We have to be honest in assessing the probability of problems. Not all relationships go smoothly, and the reasons for that are numerous. The trick is to try to mitigate the rough edges as much as possible before the relationship gets too deep to cause those rough edges to become the perverbial "gotchas".

I hope this has been helpful. Please feel free to ask for clarification or additional questions.