You aren't asking an easy question, Tom. However, I think it is an excellent one.

I think the primary answer is to be a friend, and make sure to listen, really listen, to anyone who wants to talk to you. The reality is that it is unlikely that someone will abuse someone else in public. Such things go on behind closed doors. Only when things are really advanced might they slip up when other people are around. So we all need to be a willing ear to those around us.

For me, I think the following helps to define abuse:

Intent - a loving Dominant does what he does because he has the best interests of his submissive at heart. He wants to meet her needs, teach her, and raise her up. An abuser has his own interests in mind. What he is doing to her is only for himself.

Control - a loving Dominant is always in control. He won't punish when he is angry. If he finds himself slipping out of control, he removes himself from the situation. An abuser is out of control, and the worst abuse will often occur when he is angry.

Consent - in a loving relationship a submissive consents to all activities. Not so with abuse. Safewords and limits may not be respected.

Activities - even though we all have our own kinks, there are some things that we agree aren't very "common" fantasies. Even the most extreme painsluts don't have black eyes very often. I am not saying it isn't out there, but I personally don't know of anyone who fantasizes about being punched in the face, or kicked in the ribs.

Happiness - a sub in a loving relationship will be happy and feel freed by her submission. An abused sub will feel unhappy and beaten down. She may feel trapped.


All of these are subtle things, which unfortunately goes with the territory with what it is that we do. So I think we all need to be vigilant. We probably won't ever "see" abuse, but we may hear about it, and we owe it to ourselves, our friends, and our community.

Some notes though. I have used the masculine to describe the abuser, and the feminine to describe the victim just because it was easier. Certainly men can be abused, and women can be abusers, so gender is not a qualifying factor.

Also, just the word "abuse" does not signify abuse. We actually use it as a play word. "Please abuse me, Master," and "I think you need to be abused, slut," are common in our household, but does not signify actual abuse.

Sorry to muddy your waters, Tom. If only all of the murderers, rapists and abusers were branded with scarlet letters, our jobs would be so much easier.