I don't envy your postion Tom- you're pretty much planning on doing the impossible.

I have two suggestions, one that's been mentioned- to make yourself available & listen to subs. A part of that is to ask questions.

The other is to learn about abuse in general. It's not limited to the BDSM community, & can be explained in general terms.

Where it gets tricky, is that many people are willing to overlook a 'small amount' of abuse, & even welcome it sometimes.

I do know that the average in the 'straight' world is that a woman leaves her abusive husband 7 times, before she makes the final break. I also know that it generally takes two to create the abuse- the abuser & the victim. Few confident powerful women are abused.

It's all a question of balance

*Note- I'm well aware that abuse is not just against women.