hi i'm eswn,
only you sweetheart can know what's "right" for you. however, who are you hurting by being curious? sounds like you're a prime candidate for light bondage and control, and eventually maybe more. keep asking. but keep looking inside too. don't knock it till you try it. i've been in this a long time. it's in you or it's not. keep your chin up (when you're allowed to...hehehe). it will work itself out. have a wonderful day.
slave eswn