ELISE'S NEED, by Jilli

[GaryWilcox]

Sometimes, a story not really what you were looking for, but better than you'd hope to find.

The theme isn't unique, and the story has few surprises for the reader, but it's a genuine pleasure to read. Jilli is in command of the English language, and she expresses mood well.

The criticism:
1. Show don't tellisms are in place. She recalls events, telling, as narrative, but the male antagonist Brad's ever move is recalled. As an example, here's an excerpt showing excellent use of SDT:
"Elise," he said patiently and quietly, but I continued to scream and strain against him. Then his palm cracked against the side of my face in a stinging slap, "Elise be quiet," he said in the same patient tone. But I was enraged.
2. I like a bit of an epilogue, and I'd like to see what kind of dynamic this new arrangement places on their interacton in public. A sequel?
3. The camera blinks at the moment Brad inserts his penis into Elise. You can chalk that up to the overwhelming sensation on the part of the narrator, But I would have liked to have the narration include the reader-- okay, dammit, me-- in on that moment.

I'm mostly big into abduction, and I don't pay much attention to M/F mc, but this story has boradened my horizons-- which is possibly the best compliment I can give it.

[Xodus]

I found it to be very well written, although it was a little light for my tastes.
I really enjoyed reading it, and that surprised me
It left me wanting to know more about the continuation of the relationship, which is great!
Great work, Jilli

[jilli]

I'm glad to hear that people enjoyed my story.

It was my first go at letting others see my writing, so I deliberately picked something fairly short and not too complex.

Once I wrap up something else I'm in the process of working on, I do intend to return to Elise and Brad and write a little something about where that experience led them.

Thank you for the feedback!

-Jilli

[GaryWilcox]

The pleasure's mine, Jilli-- glad to hear there's more in the works, Brad & Elise or not!