Quote Originally Posted by fetishdj View Post
The fantasy of BDSM, the images we have all undoubtedly been drawn to intially, is undeniably sexual. Whether it is a leather clad mistress or dom, an erotically bound slave or the thought of being forced into sexual acts that you claim never to want to do but actually secretly want to but have never had the nerve there is a lot of sexual eroticism inherent in the lifestyle. However, I think as you get more into the lifestyle, the emphasis shifts. You are not so bothered by the sexual imagry and are more concerned with the control aspects. The control fulfills a psychological need to either dominate or submit. I am not sure that this emotion is as sexual as the 'kinky sex' aspects most of us are initially drawn to. At its root it has a sexual drive but the majority of the feeling is less so.
This is an issue I'm facing in my current relationship. What drew me to bdsm (to this site!) was my interest - my horniness!? - in submissive sex. Now, I'm much more interested in how D/s plays a part in our every day lives. He's asked me if I'm ready to submit to Him in every way, eventually moving our relationship in to TPE. And honestly, even though I want to shout YES, I have a lot of questions about making this real.

So yes, the emphasis has shifted. And - to answer Alex's initial question (sort of) - the thought of submission to Him is becoming less about sexual service and more about allowing myself to completely trust Him and be totally open to Him everywhere else.

Is fulfilling this emotional need to control or be controlled a form of sex? Its certainly a form of intimacy and does involve the brain, a sexual organ, but I am not sure it is rooted in sex. It is a different need being fulfilled. I know of subs (including myself) who have felt more fulfilled simply knowing that another person is now controlling thier life. This person may never lay a hand on them - sexually or otherwise - they may not perform any sexual function at all. All they do is tell them what to wear, how to behave, what and when to eat and so on. At least part of it is the giving up of responsibility and the immense sense of relief that certain things are no longer your problem BTW, I think this latter point is often why so many apparently dominant people in real life often enjoy being submissive in private, they enjoy the feeling of being no longer responsible for themselves or others
I know I can't speak for anyone but myself. I haven't been in the kind of relationship where someone is telling me how to behave, eat, dress, etc. or in a relationship where I am no longer responsible for myself. If this works - much like the relationship Alex talked about - then I think it's great 2 people have found satisfaction in this.

For me, submission is definitely not about asking Him to solve my problems or take responsibility for my actions. Quite the opposite. And I struggle with this all the time. Because I'm so used to being independent, so used to being the super trooper - able to solve all my problems on my own! It's hard for me to open up.

For us, it's being open enough to share our issues together. What's on His mind? And what can I do to share or help in His concerns? What are my goals, issues, weaknesses? And how does He play a part in helping me achieve those goals, solve my problems?

I don't think I'm communicating this clearly.... I feel like I'm sounding all self righteous. And I have to leave for work.

This question was very timely since the idea of being in a TPE relationship has been on my mind. How does D/s play a part in our every day lives? Sort of thinking about the non-sexual side of bdsm. (emphasis on the D/s).