Quote Originally Posted by cheeseburger
but did anyone feel like the second part lasted about 10 minutes? re-reading it, it seems so... short? I'm working on the third part, and i'm already starting to add little "an hour later" sentences. :x
This advice is not just for cheeseburger:

The other thing that will help is if you have your story teller "slow down". Use all of her senses. What is she thinking, feeling, smelling, tasting, fearing, wanting...etc.?

You can insert cock A into slut B
or you can describe the moment in great detail.

For example:

You wrote, "The only sounds in the room were my own heavy breathing, and the sound of the blond working to pull my legs out of my pants. This was completely insane."

Lines like this are great to show passing of time, the unreality of the situation, change in tempo and her feelings. They are a "pause", where time slows down to this one moment and it can be examined or written about in great detail.

Please tell us: (that is your character)
What did the blond look like?
What was the expression on her face?
Were her hands warm or cold?
How did your body react?
How did you want to react?
How did the men react?
What did you smell?
Feel?

Another trick. Short sentences speed things up.

Long sentences, with lots of information, tend to slow down the pace and let you leisurely play with the characters. Picking which type of sentences will help you set the pace for each scene.

[Okay, Cheeseburger, I wrote the above after just reading 1 and 2. Am now on 3 and you've really got the hang of it.
Keep up the great work and write on!]

Watch how you start your sentences.

When
As
After
Before
He ...
She ...

Check to see if you have a favorite word/phrase that you are overusing and find an alternative. Or if you are using the same phrase repeatedly within a group of sentences and then switching to another, mix them up.

";" is not a period. In most every place you've put a ";" to string a bunch of short sentences together, use periods and make those sentences stand on their own. They are more powerful that way.