I've got lots to work on for my rewrite, and I'll definitely take into account all of the comments I've received. Hopefully, I can make this piece a lot better by doing so.

H Dean, I'm usually really good with my punctuation. One of the spots you pointed out that you thought I was missing a comma I probably should add one (it's debatable, really, but I can definitely see the merits of it), but one spot seemed like it really didn't need it.

I guess most importantly, I should probably focus on my "kid's voice" and try to work on that a bit.

I'm not partial to the italics, just that I felt it was easier to distinguish that from quotes, which I tend to attribute to speech rather than thoughts. I can definitely do something like 'He thought, "This is what I think."' That just seems to add two extra words and slightly breaks up the flow of the piece a bit more than I would like as a writer. I'm not sure if that is good or bad, just different. I also worry that might get real repetitive to say "She thought" or "He thought" with such frequency. I haven't done any specific research to determine how this type of thing is usually handled, though I suspect your suggested approach is more common, so I'll adjust accordingly. Any advice on how to handle the repetitiveness of making such statements without being repetitive?

Your comments about the narrative voice, something I hadn't really considered, are very helpful. I'll need to find a useful way to handle that.

I think the ending will probably wind up needing some adjustment to reflect the changes I think I want to make in my introduction to this piece. I can't imagine it would change too much, but it will change at least a little. The suggestions about Mum being a bit too easy-going with everything definitely hold some merit, but before I can really change that, I guess I need to figure out a bit more about where she is coming from herself and how to integrate that into the piece. Like I wrote before, my character study of her puts her in a pretty vulnerable spot which would lead me to believe that she might actually secretly WANT to be caught up in this kind of situation, which would make her less likely to protest. Maybe I need to find a way to play that up a bit more at the beginning.

Well, anyway, as I've written, I have lots of work still to do on this one. I'll try to get to it over the next few days. I'm not averse to the idea of requesting a second review once I post the updated version if that won't be too much trouble. With the number of changes I'm looking to make, it might need one.

Thanks again H Dean and Mad Lews for the suggestions and comments. They are much appreciated and have caused me to think a great deal more about this piece (in a good way) and I hope I'll be able to present something of much greater quality as a result.