therapuetic?

[icey]

not sure what title to give this one lol and possibly a bit of a 'risky' topic so i'll try to word it carefully.

i was reading a thread about gun play and it's something ive recently wanted to try myself, but as a child i had a lot of bad 'sexual' experiences with guns could have been rifles im not sure,those used for pigeon shooting although thats beside the point i guess.

it got me thinking though, because of that im shit scared of guns/rifles and
the like so why on earth does it appeal to me sexualy and are a big turn on for me? quite a lot of things i enjoy sexually have been things that were done to me as a child that scared and hurt me, and im sure im not unique in this

the reason im asking is why on earth would the things that hurt and scared me the most and possibly damaged me in some way or another (although im not too sure it did) appeal to me now?

i wondered is it sort of therapuetic in a way, or cause im a bit sick and twisted lol and if you know of others the same and what kind of effect it had on them? obviously im not asking for personal details and storys!
i dont feel that it affects me in anyway and i really enjoy the things we do ..too much sometimes but im pretty sure that somewhere somehow it must touch something in me and have some kind of effect hopefuly a good one.

but at the same time im fairly sure there must be some sort of connection,

im not sure that ive worded this too well and if anyone will actually understand what im trying to say but id really like to know your thoughts/knowledge on this one.

[claire]

While I have little R/L experience with BDSM I have always found that fear turns me on, at least in my fantasies. I often thought it might be because fear creates some of the same physical responses sex does - they are both a form of arousal.

Doing things I am afraid of also makes me feel powerful, so maybe it is therapeutic in that sense.

[gemmy]

I think Claire hits it - and I do know what you mean icey hun, there are things like that for me as well and I've wondered the same - why would it be a turn on? what kind of twisted logic is that?

Thanks for posting it, I look forward to the responses

[Euryleia]

Our minds try and protect us from those things that have the most potential for harm. Having a rape fantasy doesn't mean you actually want to be raped. It doesn't mean you enjoyed being raped or molested if such crimes happened to you in the past. What it means is that your psyche is taking those experiences and making sense of them.

I think that there is definite power to taking something something that had hurt or scared us in the past and turning it into something that we can find pleasure in. When you get turned on by the thoughts, it is not that you want to have the things done to you for real but for them to be done in a safe, controlled environment where you have the ultimate stopping power. You are finally in charge because you can now say no.

There is also a very thin line between the rush of adreniline that happens when we are afraid and the rush of sexual arousal. It is easy to use one to make the other seem greater. As long as you can distinguish between the two (fantasy and reality), you should feel free to enjoy them. No matter how twisted they may seem, they are the products of a healthy mind.

[icey]

im not sure it is just the fear factor, i mean fear does turn me on big time but that can be fear of anything whether its related to the past or not and mostly i can distinguish between the actual playing and the reality, though there are times that i become that little girl again and have a picture or a distant memory in my head (not sure which) and it is real,very real and yet while that might be frightening for some ...just taking a guess there...in a strange way while i am a little scared and can get a bit tearful its sort of comforting,its nothing like the fear when we play any 'fear' games

and strangely that only ever happens during more 'vanilla' type sex which is rare we do it because it doesnt really do anything for me in fact it can actually turn me cold and its more mechanical and im kind of not there than anything and lately there has been the odd occasion when afterwards its suddenly hit me a bit and for a shortwhile i can be a bit shaky and not even recognise Icehawk in the least even though it's his face i can see and his voice i can hear.

and it's never when we ageplay either which i would have thought if anything that would be the most likely 'trigger' of all.
i really dont know how to say what im saying here and its all a bit messy and jumbled up lol just rambling really i suppose sorry.

[claire]

I wonder if the memories bring comfort because you know you survived it, but you still get the fear rush to enhance the sex which is occurring in a very safe trusting relationship. You are doing what so many survivors of abuse do, and recreating the trauma. Most do it and have the same bad outcome. But you have done it and created a good outcome -- Very therapeutic!

With the vanilla sex, it is too close to the original trauma. It doesn't require the same level of trust and involvement. With BDSM and age play you are actively accepting the events so have control, like Euryleia said. The vanilla is too passive so it brings you closer to that feeling of lack of control and powerlessness and triggers the negative reaction.

That is all just a wild guess on my part, but it might explain your reactions if it rings true for you.

[icey]

I wonder if the memories bring comfort because you know you survived it, but you still get the fear rush to enhance the sex which is occurring in a very safe trusting relationship. You are doing what so many survivors of abuse do, and recreating the trauma. Most do it and have the same bad outcome. But you have done it and created a good outcome -- Very therapeutic!

that does make sense and i can see how it can work i hadnt thought of it like that really,thankyou!

although without going into it none of the past stuff was what you might call vanilla. so its weird that the vanilla stuff leaves me cold and the kinky stuff has the totally opposite effect,
it doesnt really matter i suppose its just been buzzing around in my head for a while and more and more lately and thought id toss it out there.
its confusing for Icehawk too and he's getting a little unsure as to whats the best way to deal with it,he's more worried about it all than i am!

[Euryleia]

Having flashbacks during sex can be incredibly scary. You can be flooded by the full memory of the event and coming back can leave you shaky and disoriented for a while. Your flashbacks can also be scary for your partner, who may blame themselves for causing you to remember something unpleasant.

Some of the things that have helped me:

Stop the sexual activity at any time when you feel anxious, panicked, or scared.

Sometimes it is hard to verbalize when you're beset by a flashback. Consider setting up a signal system - a squeeze on the right shoulder means "stop now, I'm scared." This signal needs to be different than your non-verbal or gagged safeword in order to help your partner realize what is happening to you.

Pay attention to what triggers your feelings and either write them down to talk about later or talk about them right then. Naming our fears and what frightens us can reduce the power those things have over us.

Remind yourself that you are safe. Tell yourself that you are remembering what happened in the past and that you are in the present with someone who cares for you.

Find a safe place (sometimes out of the bedroom) where you can talk. Talk about what you are experiencing with your partner (or a professional). Give your partner permission to ask questions or even talk about some guiding questions he can use to start the conversation. I can't stress enough how much it can help to talk about the flashpoint with the person you are intimate with.

Ground yourself with an object of empowerment and safety. This could be something that he gave you (like your collar) or some other item that makes you remember a happy time or positive experience. Touching it and looking at it will help you return to the present moment.

Finally, flashbacks can make you feel like you are going crazy but they are part of the healing process. Trust me when I tell you that you are not alone.

[DowntownAmber]

Often in our relationships, we seek out partners that reflect the bad and/or traumatic qualities of past partners/parents/abusers etc.. For example, girls from abusive upbringings are far more likely to end up with an abusive boyfriend or husband. Why? Not because anyone likes being abused (outside of play, folks! ) or even that these girls think they have come to deserve such treatment, but because of the way our minds attempt to soothe and to rationalize our traumas. We often think (though rarely at a conscious level) that if we can put ourselves back into a bad situation but steer it toward a different outcome, that we will have overcome what hurt us in the past and thus be healed moving foward. We want to relive wrong situations until we can make them come out right.

Firearms clearly represent a negative period in your life, and are a symbol of a trauma you could have done nothing to avoid as a child. Now, you're all grown up and, I think, attracted to the thought of facing this symbol of a neagative experience as a woman that can deal with it. As an adult, you will use guns to play, to become aroused, and they will lose their negative power over you. Personally, if gun play turns you on I say go for it. "Theraputic" is a great way to look at it, in fact.

My only caution above and beyond the nearly obsessive concerns one should always take with firearms would be this: be prepared for "flashbacks" as Euryleia mentioned above. She makes great points.