I cannot share any experiences which would be of much help, all I have to offer is an outsiders view of what you've written.

Firstly, the way you've thought about your own submissive nature and its origin seems to have provided indeed a good fit, even now. If, as you say, the relationship with your father has played a large part in your submission, I think it still continues to do so. Maybe in the past you've allowed your father to live through you, now you try to fight that by making your own choices. It could be entirely coincidental, of course, but this parallel seems to have seeped through into your submission-play, where you wish to fight anyone taking control. (Personally I'd go for coincidence, but it did strike me.)

Secondly you appear to have an image of 'standard' subbie behaviour stuck in your mind (lowering eyes saying 'Yes Master, anything you wish'), which you seem to measure yourself up to. Now that you've found that doesn't fit you, first thing you ask for is another standard to compare to. No wonder you're a little lost...

Think about what makes you feel happy and right. Don't worry about finding a name for whatever it turns out to be. You seem to be quite an amazing writer: use it. You express yourself so well that I find it hard to believe you have zero succes explaining anything to anyone. I'm sure writing to your husband about how you feel will help him to understand.

I'd say you're stuck forging your own path from here, but frankly I wouldn't like to follow a path already made by someone else.