I am gonna throw in a couple quick comments here.

First, it appeared as if you were going for a very stylized approach to this tale. You managed it, but you also overplayed it a bit. Take a step back when you go for this flavor of writing, review it a bit more carefully. Finally, watch for spelling gaffes. You used "grown" where "groan" should have been. Yeah, it happens to us all. Just be aware of them.