Venom's 2nd Assignment

[Venom]

Thank you for your comments and suggestions, both of you!




H Dean, what shall I say: once it has grabbed me, I have to go the whole way...


pejanon, the Charger isn't driverless, of course. Else the Magic Trees wouldn't chase it away. Nevertheless your impression was right in itself. It's an affair not unlike Stephen Spielberg's "Duel". There's nothing supernatural about the scene or the car. Nonetheless the Dodge appears to be invincible and even mythic to the protagonists. The car needs no reason and no explanation. And it isn't defeated, it just disappeared into the night from where it had come. It's driver is faceless and with no rational motives. He (or she) is one with the car.




Some words to your comments:

Well, many around there still know it as Otto's Diner...

That's some kind of small town blues, a melancholy anecdote that shows Lars' ambivalent feelings concerning his town. He hates his life there, at least his work, but this place is full of memories.

With a histrionic (well, ok, what’s wrong with ‘thatrical’?) gesture...

Nothing, but I wasn't sure if "thatrical" was only used as "related to theatres"...

The dark saloon had left Number One and spurted in a sportive manner (spurted sportively?)


He stepped to the glass wall, raising his arms in a both asking and provocative manner. (How about: inquisitively and provocatively? However, how important are those nuances here?)

Originally I'm a friend of adverbs, but some just sound too artifical to me. I couldn't say if "provocatively", for example, was used in spoken English.

Mostly it (it should either be ‘they’ ,the people, or find another noun) was (were) just boring, so he was happy having Slim Jim to accompany him.

Not the people, but the situation is talked about...well, it's misleading.

He seemed to be dozed off; (‘He was dozzing off’ seems better) when Lars looked up...

He seemed to be dozed off (Indeed he dozed off), then he was aware of his surrounding again and then checked the clock...

The steps were unnaturally loud, even noticeable (heard even)

The glass is reinforced (like at all modern petrol stations, at least where the cashiers have their place), so he can't actually hear the steps. Same with the Jag driver: Lars heard him yelling, but couldn't understand the words.

Hartman slid across the bonnet (hood is better here) and against the windscreen...

Why? This is an old discussion: BE versus AE. "Bonnet" is the correct term. Hood could (I say could, not will...) be misunderstood as some kind of soft top.

And still I see you two wind eggs lazing and hanging around here.


Lars nodded. What's business is it of him? ! I'll manage...


Not (A) second later the door...

These last three are without an explanation or alternative, so I'm not sure how to deal with them.





I'll need a few days to rewrite the story and I will mostly follow your suggestions. Some red sentences I won't change for different reasons (style, personnel taste, being a smartarse). I'm sure you don't take this as an affront.



Venom