What makes you submissive?

[ashtonDs]

At least for my case, the abuse hindered my submissive nature...

Sorry for going a bit backwards here but what PrincessTigerLily said a while back brought up something I haven't thought of for a while.

Even though I can happily go both ways when it comes to D/s, I think I was born submissive. I can remember tying myself up when I was five. It was fun and stimulating, but at the same time frustrating because there were things I wanted to do but couldn't all by myself. My little sessions lasted for quite a few years, until I thought that the risk of being caught got too great.

Then in the fourth grade I was verbally and emotionally abused by a teacher (female). That experience haunted me for years. Still today have a hard time when it comes to submitting to a woman. Trust is hard to give. I'm just now getting to the point where this doesn't have such a negative impact on my life.

It's hard sometimes to admit that I was abused and that I had no control over it. Years ago there was a feminist former friend of mine who that told me out right that only a woman can be abused, and only men can be abusers, therefore I deserved what I got.

My wife and I were married for years before I was able to relate this story to her. She would be the only woman I would bottom for without hesitation, but she's not interested. But I'm working on it.

Sometimes I wonder how things would have been if I had a normal fourth grade like everyone else.

[Alex Bragi]

...Years ago there was a feminist former friend of mine who that told me out right that only a woman can be abused, and only men can be abusers, therefore I deserved what I got...

*sigh* What pure ignorance and insensitivity! In fact, I believe, it's always much harder for a man to deal with being abused than a woman, since our society views women as in much more need of protection than men.

Mmmm.. what an incredibly interesting topic you're raised here, ashtonDS; one that probably deserves it's own heading. How about starting a thread on this? *s*

[RedHotKinky]

"If there’s an illness, there’s a website where the mentally ill try desperately to justify their unhealthy fixations and actively recruit others into their sick club. Denial abounds in these people. Rather than seeking help, they, safely huddled together with their own kind, celebrate their own depravity and try to build a “lifestyle” out of disorder."

Ha ha, what a fantastic quote... especially the bit about celebrating depravity!!!

Personally I am convinced that people can be born submissive/Dominant, just as people are born gay/straight/bi etc.

I have had bondage and submissive fantasies for as long as I can remember, and often practised self-bondage as a child. I have never been abused, mentally or physically, and had a very happy childhood. I have always been submissive, I have always known I have been submissive (even though I didn't fully understand as a child), and I am proud of what I am.

[denuseri]

right on RedHotKinky, i so think some of us are just born to it, yet i also believe there is a subor dom/domme hiding in every vanilla insides waiting to cum out lol, they just dont know it yet winks

[mastersbirdie]

well I am definatly a submissive I suffered severe abuse that has left me with ptsd but I am working through it. I was molested from age2 until age 17 when I got married I was also sodomized by my grandfather at 14. my marriage was very abusive but is over now. I hated the abuse but I had fantasies about forced sex and having some in control of me. Since I have met my new master he is wonderful there is a lot of bondage and sex. I am his collered slave but there is no abuse I consent to everything. Having the right to consent matters to me. my abuse did not make me a submissive my free choice did. Its what I am.

[ChainsOfGonzo]

Waitaminute. We've covered the abuse thing and all, but... what about the non-tramatized, dominant submissive?

I didn't come from the happiest home, but I was neglected more than abused. My childhood wasn't THAT bad, really, and whatever issues I developed because of it have long since been addressed.

But more importantly, I am an INCREDIBLY dominant person in my life in general. I was the manager of a local newspaper. I'm the strong shoulder others rely on. Before I knew my sexuality as well as I do now, I would attract very submissive boyfriends. I am, by all measures, the perfect candidate for a very powerful Domme.

And yet, I am not just submissive, I am a slave. I am an ENTHUSIASTIC slave. Well, for the right person. Very few know about that aspect of me, not because I am ashamed, but because there are only certain people who trigger it in me. I don't have a Dominant side in bed, really. I'm vanilla or submissive. That's it. I can play Dominant for a scene, and I can do it well, but I don't particularly enjoy it. I'm doing it for my partner, not me. So in a sense, I am acting dominant in a submissive way.

I fantasized about acts of submission since childhood, and always resented the submissive men I attracted. I remember, in my mid-early teens, trying to encourage them to take more control. Topping from the bottom. But they wouldn't. It wasn't in them to do it. They were attracted to the General Life me, the dominant personality.

It is only very specific people who notice how submissive I am, and only a tiny percentage of those have the ability to own it. But for the right Dom/me (I'm bi), I am a dedicated sub.

So, what makes me submissive? It's not my childhood. It's not my general take on life. It is a very specific release valve, maybe in response to my generally dominating personality. The strength that allows me to lead so well in my life at large also allows me to complete surrender to another while maintaining my sense of self. I am an intense person, and in love, I will push myself to my limits. That is what makes me submissive.

I am submissive because of my strengths, not my weaknesses.

Basically, we have all different reasons for being submissive. Some are like this, some are like that, so making a generalization is just excluding everyone else.

[kitara]

It's so sad to hear about so many who've been abused in their past; it's something that a person should never have to go through...

For me though, I'm submissive and nothing along those lines has ever happened to me, so perhaps it's a trait that's more within a person from the beginning?

[gemmy]

It's so sad to hear about so many who've been abused in their past; it's something that a person should never have to go through...

For me though, I'm submissive and nothing along those lines has ever happened to me, so perhaps it's a trait that's more within a person from the beginning?

I do agree with you hun, even before I was ever put with the family that abused me, I was the subserviant little one fussing over everyone in my family and wanting to make all happy hehe - it is still that lil gurl inside me wanting to come out and play again

It has since worried me to some extent that those abuses that I endured are large in nature those things that now highly turn me on *blushes*

Who knows, truly it's all relative - certainly our pasts helped define who we've become today but isn't (imo) the core of who we are born as

Welcome to the madness and thanks for sharing!

[kitara]

I do agree with you hun, even before I was ever put with the family that abused me, I was the subserviant little one fussing over everyone in my family and wanting to make all happy hehe - it is still that lil gurl inside me wanting to come out and play again

It has since worried me to some extent that those abuses that I endured are large in nature those things that now highly turn me on *blushes*

Who knows, truly it's all relative - certainly our pasts helped define who we've become today but isn't (imo) the core of who we are born as

Welcome to the madness and thanks for sharing!

I guess I'm the same actually, always obsessing that guests and other people are happy hehe

Thanks for saying hi too

[livy]

I would have to agree with you, my backround is not as bad as yours but i knew i was before i knew a name. I had abuse of both types growing up, but i dont let a man hit me without my permission anylonger. I am glad to see you have broken the cycle.

[jelly88]

Well I have barely posted here before. I have read alot but haven't felt that I have been in a posistion to comment on anything. So I have said a few things here and there that don't matter, if that makes sence.

I do however feel like I can share my story on the subject of abuse and submissive nature.

The back drop is when I was little so little I cannot remember when it started I was sexually abused by my grandfather. I was 3 or younger when it started. The thing that always gets me is that he used to ask my permission and even though it scared me and it hurt me and I didn't like it I was too afraid to say no. When I finally got the guts to say stop it, it did stop. So I had alot of guilt over the whole thing.

And to add to the guilt thing when I was a kid I used to have a very sexual imagenation.

I had alot of issues with my self worth when I was a young teen and went through classic reactions to sexual abuse. I used to self mutilate, badly and danerously. I had panic attacks. The whole sad story.

The worest thing was I still said yes when I meant no with anything sexual but I am sure all they guys though I was on an even playing feild with them. At that point a big fantasy of mine was to be raped violently, then beat up, called a slut and left cold alone and bleeding. That was the most I felt I was worth.

In my later teens when I was finding myself through the clouds of the abuse, sexually things changed alot. I didn't want to be a sad sorry little victom anymore so I started take charge in the bedroom. With a particular boyfriend I used to play games where I would set all the rules for what was and wasn't allowed to go on without relating it at all to BDSM stuff. But I guess it was. I think it made things feel safe. And I liked that he was so hot for me I could get him to do anything (yeah I am vain). I used to think from time to time that I was treating others as I would like to be treated. If that makes sence.

When I got to be where I call stable I fell inlove and sex went very vanilla... for a wile.

As things progressed with this guy I had fallen inlove with making love in the vanilla way we did, didn't feel a big enough expression of how I felt for him. I wanted him to have me in anyway he wished and do things with him that I hadn't done with anyone else. I wanted him to let me put all my trust into him. I wanted him to do all the nasty thing I had thought of to me. I worshipped him. He didn't get it. He wasn't a Dom type. It didn't workout.

So that is what I see as my journey to now. I am not really sure yet if I really fit in the lifestyle. The way I feel about my submissive side from all that back story is that it has been there from a bad point of veiw, that I blame on the abuse, but has also been there from a good point of veiw.

In conclusion, I don't know how I would be without the abuse I can't remember that far back. But what I do know is that the approach I am taking to everything to do with sex is from a healthy self respecting way and thats all that matters really.

I hope I said what I am meaning to say.

[Just A Girl]

I'm the complete opposite to you mastersgem...
I grew up with apsolutly no male role-model/ father-figure. I guess one could argue that as a result I now look for that in my sex life, which I suppose is true to some extent... as i stated in another post ages ago, i'm definatly part of that "little girl" sub catagory of submission...
But I dunno... I definatly think my submission is a result of my lack of submission in my vanilla life... I had to grow up very quickly and take control of a family that was falling apart, so for me,being able to lay back and take orders is a nice change that i desperatly need to stop me getting overwhelmed by my hectic life...

[Merle]

Thank you thank you thank you mastersgem for bringing this up. This question has always intrigued me actually - why my body decided to be submissive. Maybe this discussion could shed some light? (It's such a fun discussion already. ^^)

I've always been very strong, physically and mentally. Not in a muscular way but my family's roots go waa~ay back into the military, martial arts, weaponry, etc. so I've been brought up knowing how to fight, and how to kill. But it also has its counterproductive result - since my family drilled it into my mind that I must never fight someone unless for defense and that I might accidentally hit someone too hard - I have only ever fought once in my life. I think the warnings scared me off fighting that I lost the ability to judge when would be a good time to fight.

I guess people just automatically took that as a sign of passiveness and I, somehow (I'm still confused on how), got into two abusive relationships. It wasn't until my second relationship sent me to the hospital with severe internal bleeding that my youngest sister, who was the only one that knew vaguely what was going on, told me to settle the issue or she'll settle it for me. I still felt bad about doing violence, regardless of what violence was done to me, so I talked her out of it and told him I wanted out of this. When he tried to hit me again, my roommate and my spar partner, Tiffany, walked in and she just went crazy.

I'm still glad to this day that she didn't kill him. But let's just say he was lucky to be near the hospital when she went at him.

I forgot exactly how the conversation went between Tiff and I, but one thing led to another, and she thought maybe if I could trust someone intimately again, I could put this behind me. She introduced me to this lifestyle and I was very intrigued. I was nineteen so four years have passed since then. I'm still so new to all this, simply because there wasn't any time for me to learn and explore what with the graduate and bachelor degree and everything. But I still wonder how I got to this point. Anyone care to break it down for me? ^^

[rooshoe]

This is something that existed in me before I even had a name for it. I knew I felt different, that I wanted - make that needed - to feel dominated, I just didn't know how to describe it. I didn't realize that dominant people existed; I usually just fantasized about faceless authority figures ordering me around.

Even though submission occurs in my head, I feel it in my body. When something/one makes me feel submissive, I get this warm, tingly feeling in my shoulders and I suddenly feel lighter. There's an indescribable connection that hits deep inside of me, even for just a moment. I don't think anything makes me that way; I simply am submissive.

[gemmy]

This is something that existed in me before I even had a name for it. I knew I felt different, that I wanted - make that needed - to feel dominated, I just didn't know how to describe it. I didn't realize that dominant people existed; I usually just fantasized about faceless authority figures ordering me around.

Even though submission occurs in my head, I feel it in my body. When something/one makes me feel submissive, I get this warm, tingly feeling in my shoulders and I suddenly feel lighter. There's an indescribable connection that hits deep inside of me, even for just a moment. I don't think anything makes me that way; I simply am submissive.

Great description!!

[Xelebes]

Personally,I'm very much a rounded submissive. That is, most social facets are handled with a submissive power dynamic. IT is only there because it is an innate part of my personality, not because I have learned to be it or is from purely genetic roots. It is an extension of the body and my capacity to accomplish things that determine my preference for social dynamics. This may or may not have lead to examples of being abused and not responding initially to these transgressions, but it certainly exposes me to this opportunity for others.

Submissiveness, like dominance, requires a maturity with regards to this dynamic to avoid the onset of abuse. The maturation of this dynamic is most certainly learned.

[stripedangel]

i believe i learned it, since my mother was very submissive to my father...by choice and with much love, i might proudly add (now that i can appreciate it). i tried giving my submission to Master but it was an unsuccessful attempt. The cause of this was on both our parts, mine due to my abuse history and his due to his past as well. It's like now i'm ready...so is Master, we just need to retrain our brains to react accordingly.

[butterflySlave4u]

This is something that existed in me before I even had a name for it. I knew I felt different, that I wanted - make that needed - to feel dominated, I just didn't know how to describe it. I didn't realize that dominant people existed; I usually just fantasized about faceless authority figures ordering me around.

Even though submission occurs in my head, I feel it in my body. When something/one makes me feel submissive, I get this warm, tingly feeling in my shoulders and I suddenly feel lighter. There's an indescribable connection that hits deep inside of me, even for just a moment. I don't think anything makes me that way; I simply am submissive.

very well said, rooshoe...i too subscribe to the "Nature Vs Nurture" aspect of D/s...i used to think it was a "need to be needed" type of thing, but it goes much MUCH deeper...it's inside me, it's what i am, not what i do....

[rooshoe]

I think I was born submissive. I can remember tying myself up when I was five. It was fun and stimulating, but at the same time frustrating because there were things I wanted to do but couldn't all by myself. My little sessions lasted for quite a few years, until I thought that the risk of being caught got too great.

Wow, so I'm not the only one! I was always playing with myself - tying myself up, gagging myself, finding things to push into myself... I worried about being caught, but the lure of it was too much to deny. I'd fantasize about getting "in trouble" and an authority figure spanking me or making me sit in a corner, etc, but I was also frustrated because I wanted someone there to actually make me do these things, not just fantasize about them. And I wasn't even in middle school when this stuff started!

[wellbehavedboytoy]

I simply am just a junkie for the feeiling of having no control. I am naturally a person that is a on the fly type of guy. The thrill of having a Domme order me around and humiliate me just fits right in with my personality. Vanilla things that give me that no control feeling that I would like to try would be skydiving or bungee jumping.

[MissLindyLoo]

As a side note from another thread, i've noticed subs have different things in their make up that are common and i wondered if there are some things that make or 'set' our submissiveness as we go through this world.

myself, i've known my whole life (and before i knew what it was called), i've had sexual outdoor bondage fantasies since i was a very young gurl (8 at least).

also, when i was five i was put with a horrible family that abused me constantly in all the forms, beatings, emotional degradation, sexual abuse when i got older - i left when i was 13 and moved around living in the streets for a few years before getting back on track and finishing school - in that time i'd been raped 3 times

i would follow this cycle of abuse for most of my years, picking abusing aggressors over confident assertives - i now know the difference and it's been 10 yrs since a man has put me in the hospital

so, although i know i was submissive before all the abuse, i wonder if it hasn't had a hand in further 'setting' the seed of my submission, firmly planting it there?

i know that the abuse didn't help my judgement, and in the past i was giving into an unhealthy submission of their deciding as opposed to a healthy submission of my choosing

now, no one gets to take advantage of me since breaking that cycle for good but i wonder if it's had a firm hand and if others think things like this has in their submissiveness as well?

*disclaimer* i'm not trying to put it all in one 'box', just wondering if we share any commonalities period *smiles*

I was in a bad marriage and got out ..I am now married to a man who I love to do things for because we put each other first. He says that the sub really has all the power because it is the sub that gives him his power. We talk about what we will do together or try together. I think that is how it should be.

[ghanima{DM690}]

I too have a history of abuse both sexual and emtional...but i have differentiate what "they" did as oppose to what I let happen. but i'm sure my history plays a role in what I have become. I am much stronger and will never let that happen again...unless i ask for it. took a long time but im here

[gemmy]

I too have a history of abuse both sexual and emtional...but i have differentiate what "they" did as oppose to what I let happen. but i'm sure my history plays a role in what I have become. I am much stronger and will never let that happen again...unless i ask for it. took a long time but im here

Good on you ghanima and we're happy you made it here hehe

[rooshoe]

Submission for me is a way of life that I have grown to appreciate. It has drawn me to other lengths in my life that I find quite interesting. For instance, I joined the Army. I find being here that I take orders much easier than my counterparts. Sorry for writing so long.

Wow, you too? Lol i thought i was the only one who did/noticed that. Also, i always wondered, when i looked around, how many people standing in formation next to me had closeted kinks..