Well I have barely posted here before. I have read alot but haven't felt that I have been in a posistion to comment on anything. So I have said a few things here and there that don't matter, if that makes sence.

I do however feel like I can share my story on the subject of abuse and submissive nature.

The back drop is when I was little so little I cannot remember when it started I was sexually abused by my grandfather. I was 3 or younger when it started. The thing that always gets me is that he used to ask my permission and even though it scared me and it hurt me and I didn't like it I was too afraid to say no. When I finally got the guts to say stop it, it did stop. So I had alot of guilt over the whole thing.

And to add to the guilt thing when I was a kid I used to have a very sexual imagenation.

I had alot of issues with my self worth when I was a young teen and went through classic reactions to sexual abuse. I used to self mutilate, badly and danerously. I had panic attacks. The whole sad story.

The worest thing was I still said yes when I meant no with anything sexual but I am sure all they guys though I was on an even playing feild with them. At that point a big fantasy of mine was to be raped violently, then beat up, called a slut and left cold alone and bleeding. That was the most I felt I was worth.

In my later teens when I was finding myself through the clouds of the abuse, sexually things changed alot. I didn't want to be a sad sorry little victom anymore so I started take charge in the bedroom. With a particular boyfriend I used to play games where I would set all the rules for what was and wasn't allowed to go on without relating it at all to BDSM stuff. But I guess it was. I think it made things feel safe. And I liked that he was so hot for me I could get him to do anything (yeah I am vain). I used to think from time to time that I was treating others as I would like to be treated. If that makes sence.

When I got to be where I call stable I fell inlove and sex went very vanilla... for a wile.

As things progressed with this guy I had fallen inlove with making love in the vanilla way we did, didn't feel a big enough expression of how I felt for him. I wanted him to have me in anyway he wished and do things with him that I hadn't done with anyone else. I wanted him to let me put all my trust into him. I wanted him to do all the nasty thing I had thought of to me. I worshipped him. He didn't get it. He wasn't a Dom type. It didn't workout.

So that is what I see as my journey to now. I am not really sure yet if I really fit in the lifestyle. The way I feel about my submissive side from all that back story is that it has been there from a bad point of veiw, that I blame on the abuse, but has also been there from a good point of veiw.

In conclusion, I don't know how I would be without the abuse I can't remember that far back. But what I do know is that the approach I am taking to everything to do with sex is from a healthy self respecting way and thats all that matters really.

I hope I said what I am meaning to say.