Polyamorous or just not sure?

[J-Go]

Now I’m going to do what I don’t often do on this forum and express an opinion. So let me disclaim from the start this MY opinion from MY viewpoint on life an in no way reflects how I think others should run their lives. So feel free to disagree I will not be offended.
I have heard much discussion about Polyamorous relationships lately. Now I’m kind of a literal person so when I heard the term I thought “hmm interesting being in love with more that one person” then I of course as we often do, I looked to my own life experience and said to myself “wow there’s a train wreck just waitin to come off the track.”
This of course has been tumbling around in my head as these things tend to do. Can a person really be poly-amorous? I think yes it’s quite possible to love more than one person…even in a romantic way. Are the majority of claimed “poly” people truly in love, I think probably not. They like “the love” or the act thereof but I wonder if they just haven’t found what they are looking for yet.
As for me I think I can safely say I'm not interested in sharing what my pet and I have with anyone. We came into the lifestyle together so this is really our special thing. And even in times of doubt or struggle I can safely say I’m singularly amorous.

[gemmy]

A good thread and one that's bound to piss off many with individual thoughts, feelings and opinions - good on you Luv! Nothing like a great debate *giggles*

I've expressed my opinion on this topic and on this board more than a few times and absolutely do not believe in it (Poly).

I don't think it's realistic to even try to 'love' more than one person at a time and think you are doing them any justice by sharing yourself with more than one - how could that possibly be honest or fair to the many who have to split that up? And what happens when one is 'loved' more times in a week than the other?

Oh yes, we (humans) are such a selfless race that those sharing in the love of One just go along in a Pollyanna view "Oh, it's ok if susie has had Master three times this week and i've only had him once. It makes Master happy and that's all that matters." (gags wretchedly).

And then there's the argument - but we all are in love with each other so it works. I've watched people on this board post that very argument and always in a Past Tense. So really? does it work? I imagine it might in the beginning, such a great novelty - 0o0o0o so exciting and thrilling - perfection! Combined households, incomes, chores - makes all of life easier, yes? Sure, in the beginning but funny how you never read about how any of these 'families' last.

People, by nature, sub or not want their own unique happiness and don't want to have to share that with anyone I think. I also think that people deserve that kind of solely devoted love that is theirs and theirs only.

IMO, and only my opinion (I don't dislike people who are Poly), I see it as just being greedy and way to not have to commit to any one person, continually hedging their bets for the next latest and greatest 'piece' to come along.

Cool if you are Poly and see that it works for you, it's just entirely not for me. I want that One special connection that's just for me and me alone

So who knows, maybe that makes me the greedy one

[Chuckdom19]

Sorry to disagree. I am poly; I am deeply in love with my vanilla spouse, who is aware of our situation. She knows and loves my subbie, who feels the same about her. I am deeply in love with my subbie, who is a totally different person from my spouse.

Re: loving more than one person. A favorite author says, "I think it is possible for a person to love all the majority of good and caring people (who walk the earth)." I have loved many thousands of people, employees, co-workers, clients, customers. There are 'degrees' to love, if you will; some deeper, some more shallow. But the inner circle, my immediate family, spouse and sub... well, that love is equal and as rich as can be.

[DowntownAmber]

Hmmm... *pulls up the comfy recliner and curls up for a good think*

There is no simple way to answer this one. In my little slice of time as a thinkng and loving member of the human race, I have loved a small number of times. "In love?" That's an even smaller number. Love overlaps easily for me, however. I find affection for people in places and for reasons that confuse other people and partners. I enjoy finding what it is in all sorts of people that is worthy of being loved. I don't believe that by giving love I take it away from anyone else, as I do not believe we have a finite amount of it to offer by any means.

"In love," on the other hand... Being in love, to me, is a very singular devotion. It is this way because to fall in love for me is to want to give my life to my partner and that I only have one of. I cannot, in both a vanilla and in a BDSM sense, serve more than a single Master. How could I? If the time were to come when both called me to come to them, when both asked of me to be of service, I could only go to one and that one would be the one that I serve in the depths of my being. I can understand and entertain poly, and could even make it through a life practicing it, I suppose, assuming that the depth of the truth would never be probled far enough to reveal that only one or neither of my loves were the stuff of my ultimate affection.

I believe in the one.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

In my early days of being a submissive I found myself with a Master who had a stable of subs. This was a strictly online relationship between U/us, but even though I wasn't with Him IRL it still bothered me that He was with all these other subs. W/we were together on Yahoo chat and often when I would come online I would do a "goto" when I saw His name on messenger. He would often be in a private room, but I could still get in, unless it was an invite only room. Of course, when I did the "goto" I had no idea if He was in a public or private room and I often entered a private room where He was with one of His other subs. It felt like walking into your bedroom and finding your husband in bed with another woman. I did not like this feeling at all.

I had initially gone along with the whole poly thing because I thought I could handle it. I had left an abusive marriage where I had spent the vast majority of the ten years of my marriage alone and lonely, so I wanted to be open to new experiences and kick up my heels a bit. And this was safer than bar hopping and picking up strangers. Going into the BDSM chat rooms was a thrill for me at the time. And so at first being with a Master who had a stable was a little bit of a thrill. But it quickly wore off. This was not how I wanted to be and I knew that when I found a Master IRL I was definitely not going to be in a poly relationship. I wanted my One and Only and I knew that I wasn't going to get it from this person.

I will freely admit that I can be possessive and jealous and want my Master to focus solely on me. And I am not ashamed to say that. I am not selfless and think only of what He wants and needs. If He wants and needs a stable, well, He won't have me as one of the fillies. If He cannot be satisified with me as His only sub, then He is not the Master for me. Others can be poly and I won't come down on them. That is what they want. But it isn't what I want. I want my One and Only.

[Ozme52]

Ahhhhh semantics.

So hard to gainsay any of the above thoughts, and isn't that the point. Each must individually pursue life and love in a manner that makes one happy.

I only hearken to the thought that ones love for ones first child is not diminished by the love of ones second and subsequent children. You many even love them for different reasons but they are all beloved.

So why not open yourself to love from any, from every quarter... and why not offer it as well.

I think about how our society preaches that there is "one true love"... and if you have/had that and meet someone who captures your heart... does that mean the first love wasn't or is no longer a true love?

That, too me, seems cruel.

The above remark is not a commentary on relationships and loves that fail to prosper for other reasons... but if love is not truly an endless resource, something that can be shared with many, then what if you have not enough love in your heart for even the one?

Then again... maybe the tinman was lucky.

[thepast]

I think it comes down to the fact that people define love differently, no? The term, polyamorous, whose roots are pretty clear, has been used to describe something far different then its simplisticly complex definition.

Poly folks don't necessarily have the same relationship with each member of the poly family. For instance, it might be a couple who has a "third" for play only, or a Dominant with no primary submissive, but 2 submissives who have different purposes & functions in the household.

The way that Poly WORKS is to make sure of the following:
1.) COMMUNICATION is working. What kills Poly is the same thing that kills everything else: a lack of open & honest communication
2.) Clear definitions of roles. What kind of poly relationship are you having? Are you a couple who is looking for some sexual spice? Are you a Dom who enjoys having mulitiple submissives for multiple functions? Are you two couples who enjoy eachother's different strengths? Everyone in the relationship has to be on the same sheet of paper. Poly only works if everyone feels safe & secure in their purpose & role.

Beyond that...

Love is relative, as I said, to different people. Have I loved more then one person in my life? Sure, but not necessarily the same sort of love. My love for T is very different then my love of a Poly play partner (third), or a former lover. Does that mean that a third doesn't feel a part of the poly dynamic? No, of course not... but the TYPE & KIND of love of the third is just different.

I am sure there are people who would say "you can have but one true love." Ok, but how should I know exactly what that is? How can I know that there is ONLY one? Or that I HAVE the right one (I do, but hey, I am super lucky & special)? Is there some instructional guide? A DVD? A course? I certainly haven't ever seen one. So until I do, I am going with the statement of, "you can love more then one, differently."

Again, each to their own... but for poly, you can DEFINITELY have a situation where there is mutual love--just at a different level & a different variety--between all the partners.

Ok, think I babbled enough...

[Arria]

I think it´s cultural teaching.
The ancient Greeks accepted homosexuality (between men, I don´t know about the women) as a fact of daily life.

Kings had harems. I doubt they only loved / felt great affection for only their queen / main wife.

There were tribes of natives, e. g. American natives, where a man could marry more than one woman. This was accepted there, too.

In the Muslim world or with the Mormons, a man is allowed to marry more than one woman.

(I cannot help but wonder why there is no model of a one-woman-several-men marriage anywhere, but nevermind.)

I wish to point out that if, once you are in love, you were not attracted to anyone else anymore, there would be far less marital trouble and divorces.

So I think the one-on-one model is cultural, and must not be seen as "the only normal/right thing".

Nevertheless, I am - in a relationship with a man - a jealous bitch and would not want him to have several subs or girlfriends.
However, knowing people are no saints (and having had a strong attraction to someone else earlier in life in my only other serious relationship with a man before my current one, though I had felt 100 % in love and therefore 100 % safe from temptation), I told him that if he ever felt the need to stick his cock elsewhere for a night, I would not want to know and expect him to go about it in a way that would make it unlikely that I found out.
I would feel it as "broken trust" and don´t think I could handle it if I knew.
No, I would not hate him for having fancied another girl, I do know that can happen, and it does not mean you are not good enough anymore or boring to him - but ever after I would wonder if he really was at home, really on a business trip, really wherever he said - and not with some other chick? I cannot live with broken trust.
But I´d rather have him having a one-night-thingie than have him sit at home and radiating he would rather be elsewhere - I am too proud for that.

During my teenage years, I had one relationship with a lady. She is still my favourite lady. We are both bi (half bi; we both like the upper half of women and don´t care overmuch for the lower). With her, I did not care if she had a man for a night, or some other girl. I did not feel hurt, it did not make me feel I had been cheated on, or made me want to sleep with someone else too to equal the balance.
Those casual things had nothing to do with us.

This is also why I believe it is just a matter of cultural imprinting. No one taught me how to lead a relationship with a woman. No one taught me if a woman I was with had a fling with someone else it was "evil" and "cheating" or "it is a sign I am not good enough". We were always open about it. The only point was that none of us started a relationship / committed herself to somebody else - in this we were exclusive.

Though I am only upper-half bi, I replied to my hubby´s question to tell him freely and uninhibited what would be the ideal relationship for me, that the ideal for me would be to be living with him and her in a house so I could have them both anytime (yes, she is still in my heart, yes, it is possible to love more than one person, and no, hubby does not mind that. He would mind it if it was another man, though).
He was stunned (apparently he expected to hear something else).
He even was allowed to kiss her when we were all out together, and I did not mind.
With any other bitch, I would have ripped his head off *g*.

But - the lady in question wants to be the alpha bitch in a relationship with a man. So do I. Thus my dream arrangement can´t come true.

As for the polyamorous "trend" that came up in my area lately, particularly in the BDSM scene: I do not think we are ready for that for the above-stated cultural reasons.

It might help if I had seen one single example of such a relationship work well without any of the partners feeling they did not get enough... but that has not happened yet.

Apart from that: I think everybody should seek happiness in a way that suits him best. Other people´s love lives are their concern and decision, not mine.

Kind regards
Arria

[Arria]

As to what Ozme said:
"I think about how our society preaches that there is "one true love"... and if you have/had that and meet someone who captures your heart... does that mean the first love wasn't or is no longer a true love?"

I think that is an excellent point, and is also what causes the most heartache.

[gemmy]

"...It might help if I had seen one single example of such a relationship work well without any of the partners feeling they did not get enough... but that has not happened yet...."

My observation of such has been a Dominant who has many subs (either gender) - so all cool for the Man/Woman who gets more than their fair share of many but where's the fair for the one's who get used but once in awhile here and there? How can that possibly be construed as 'love'? How can you think you're compassionate by holding that person back from having a whole, fully satisfying relationship? They may think that what you are doing to them is what they want, but I imagine they will soon realize they are only being taken advantage of and want something that is for them only.

(Disclaimer: this is all my opinion and it assumes for the purposes of this thread that to be a true Poly, you live in a Poly family and lifestyle, not just someone with many bed partners. Somone who is married and has an on-line sub is not, imo a Poly in anyway.)

Again, to me it just screams Greed/Arrogance/Ignorance for anyone but themselves. It isn't love by any definition to me and quite the opposite, I see it as taking advantage of a submissive's nature to please - just because you fuck someone, doesn't mean you are loving them. Just because they agree to it (thinking all the while, he'll pick me in the end) doesn't mean they like it either.

Yes, I love many people in many different ways, but when in love (it has happened once to me in the past), that's a whole other kind of love.

[J-Go]

I think it´s cultural teaching.
The ancient Greeks accepted homosexuality (between men, I don´t know about the women) as a fact of daily life.

Kings had harems. I doubt they only loved / felt great affection for only their queen / main wife.

There were tribes of natives, e. g. American natives, where a man could marry more than one woman. This was accepted there, too.

In the Muslim world or with the Mormons, a man is allowed to marry more than one woman.

(I cannot help but wonder why there is no model of a one-woman-several-men marriage anywhere, but nevermind.)

Actually it's called Polyandry, and there have beed cultures (Tibet and Mongolia to name a couple) in which a woman would take on more than one husband. Generally a woman married sibling brothers in a family and would serve all males in the family as if they were her husband. Not really a great deal for the woman, for the most part she simply filled the role as slave and sexual release to the family. Not much amorous about that!

Anyway I think you make a good point, it is cultural which really translates to what we are used to. Again it comes down to choice...what drives your moral compus. I can be a jealous ass, I don't really ponder where that comes from I just know it when I feel it. I don't really care for the feeling so try, best I can to stay away from situations that would invoke that feeling. The thought of my love giving what she has granted me to another would be more pain than I could take.

[J-Go]

I think it´s cultural teaching.
The ancient Greeks accepted homosexuality (between men, I don´t know about the women) as a fact of daily life.

Kings had harems. I doubt they only loved / felt great affection for only their queen / main wife.

There were tribes of natives, e. g. American natives, where a man could marry more than one woman. This was accepted there, too.

In the Muslim world or with the Mormons, a man is allowed to marry more than one woman.

(I cannot help but wonder why there is no model of a one-woman-several-men marriage anywhere, but nevermind.)

Actually it's called Polyandry, and there have been cultures (Tibet and Mongolia to name a couple) in which a woman would take on more than one husband. Generally a woman married sibling brothers in a family and would serve all males in the family as if they were her husband. Not really a great deal for the woman, for the most part she simply filled the role as slave and sexual release to the family. Not much amorous about that!

Anyway I think you make a good point, it is cultural which really translates to what we are used to. Again it comes down to choice...what drives your moral compus. I can be a jealous ass, I don't really ponder where that comes from I just know it when I feel it. I don't really care for the feeling so try, best I can to stay away from situations that would invoke that feeling. The thought of my love giving what she has granted me to another would be more pain than I could take.

[denuseri]

well i dont know, my first real relationship was with a bueatiful woman and her husband I loved and do still love both of them very very much, allthough she died several years ago i still have very strong feelings for her, i morned her death with him with every bit of grief that one would expect if they lost thier true love, i still wish she was here with us now ( and i know she watches over us) and if it was in my power she would be here in person, my love for her and him was no less because it was shared, in all i was and am grateful that they chose me to share with them this thing called love

[claire]

I am also the jealous type so a poly relationship would never be for me (although I am involved with a married man and I have always said I would never do that either, so...). For the people who want it, & like it - I have no problem with a poly household, even if those households don't endure. How many marriages last these days? Add in to that the fact that none of us are static beings, as we grow, we change and so do our needs. So for some, poly may be perfect at a certain time in their life and no longer work at other times.

I admit that I also wonder about the love in those relationships. There are many people that I love, but as gem says only one I have been "in love" with. I can't imagine being able to interact with more than one person at a time at that intensity and depth. Maybe it is because I am very introverted, so I tend to have relationships/friendships with just a few people. It is not that I don't like others or am a snob, but I can only emotionally handle the depth of relationship that I feel with a few people at a time. Maybe extroverts who are energized by interactions with many people have an easier time being poly, because they don't interact in such depth. This is not meant to belittle of demean their relationships - they are just different and have different needs and sources of satisfaction.

The poly households I have observed seem more like families than spouses. (Now I have to admit that I have never personally known anyone in a poly relationship so my observations may not be based in any reality.) Yes, family members love one another, but the love I hold for a sister, or brother, is not the same as the love I hold for a spouse. Again, not better or worse, just different. However, for myself and my partner, I want the love that exists between spouses.

[DowntownAmber]

As to what Ozme said:
"I think about how our society preaches that there is "one true love"... and if you have/had that and meet someone who captures your heart... does that mean the first love wasn't or is no longer a true love?"

I think that is an excellent point, and is also what causes the most heartache.

I'm going to agree with both Oz and Arria here. I can't tell you all the number of fights I've started based off the fact that I will honestly admit to loving and still having feelings for a past partner to my current lover. I consider the word "love" to be a feeling whose scope cannot be diminished by the short amount of time in a life, and whose infinite nature cannot be exhausted by volume.

However, a feeling and the commitment to sharing it are two different things, and it's the commitment part that is finite and therefore tricky to keep a handle on. It's also the actions as opposed to the intentions that I see causing a split in this thread, and where the poly and the singularly devoted folks start to break ranks. Love is infinite, time just ain't.

Oz is right: having one child after another doesn't mean you love the second or third one any less and it doesn't mean that love is taken from the first either. However, time gets divided, so do resources. Eventually there will come a point where the kids cannot be taken care of or loved because there just isn't time or money or whatever in the day to do so. At that point you can feel all the damn love you want for the kids, but are they feeling it from you??

When I fall in love, personally I become pretty damn fixated on the moment to moment happiness and pleasure of the person I'm with. I pay a LOT of attention, I give a lot of myself. I simply don't have the time or frankly the strength to give that to anyone else save in small doses of affection here and there. I can feel a lot of love, sure, but I also feel like I can only express it in a way that seems worthy of the emotion of being "in love" to one partner at a time. This doesn't mean I follow J around 24/7 waiting for the opportunity to be of service to him, it simply means when he wants me I need to feel, for myself as much as him, that I can drop anything and everything and be by his side.

[denuseri]

well i wouldnt say for one second that the love i have for my owner and his first wife is lacking in any "depth" , nor could you if you had walked in my shoes

belittle or demean it all you want, you cant understand it if you dont have it

love is clear, and pure, love can be majical, love conquers more than many think possible, love is as dificult to find for some as to hold the wind in ones hands,
but perhaps the poem bellow says it all

peace out,...... i hope everyone can one day have the love they yearn for it is every bit worth the effort

[Ozme52]

well i wouldnt say for one second that the love i have for my owner and his first wife is lacking in any "depth" , nor could you if you had walked in my shoes

belittle or demean it all you want, you cant understand it if you dont have it

love is clear, and pure, love can be majical, love conquers more than many think possible, love is as dificult to find for some as to hold the wind in ones hands,
but perhaps the poem bellow says it all

peace out,...... i hope everyone can one day have the love they yearn for it is every bit worth the effort

I don't think I saw anyone doing that. Just each discussing their own perspective as it applies to their own situation.

[TomOfSweden]

I would have been polyamorous if I could handle the stress. But I can't. I don't think monogamy is somehow a better form of relationship in any way. Rather the opposite. It's just what suits me and my temperament.

All power to those who can find the time and energy. I've got too many hobbies... like writing.

[denuseri]

well i am sorry claire if i took un due offence, it just seemed like you were saying extroverted people dont feel as deply as others which isnt true in my book,,,

[Chuckdom19]

it just seemed like you were saying extroverted people dont feel as deply as others which isnt true in my book,,,

Darn right. We extroverts are just way better at hiding those feelings, to maintain the relationship with everyone else.

[claire]

well i am sorry claire if i took un due offence, it just seemed like you were saying extroverted people dont feel as deply as others which isnt true in my book,,,

I am sorry it came off that way. I was afraid it might. I obviously don't know how to explain it very well. You are correct, of course extroverts feelings are as deep and as real as an introverts. It is just that when introverts interact with other people they tend to focus on a few things and want to know details and as much as possible and those interactions consume their energy. When extroverts interact they tend to go for breath and they are energized by their interactions. Of course neither is completely true to the exclusion of the other. But it is why extroverts enjoy parties and introverts are wall flowers. We just see and interact with people differently. I thought that perhaps that would give extroverts the advantage in a poly relationship as they can field and interact with more people at once.

I just reread my original post. I think the difference I see is between what deuseri had with a couple and poly households that are more like communal living. I would think that the love between a sub and married Doms would be like the love a child has for their parents. Again I don't mean to offend by saying your love was a childish love. I am just trying to put it into relationship terms I can understand.

[Clevernick]

I think whether you feel positively towards the idea of Polyamory in your own life, or not, is just fine. It's unfortunate that some people feel the need to criticize others' lifestyles, though, and apply their personal morality to others.

It's precisely that type of thinking, that disapproving of others' mutually-consenting sexuality, that leads bdsm people to need to be anonymous on forums like this. And yet even some of us are doing it! Makes me very sad.

[Kuskovian]

Love is love. Some try to define it. Others allow it to retain it's mystic. Eaither way it is what it is, no more no less. When I love it is in total, they have my all, I don't hold back. This does not mean that I am incapable of loving another just as much.

A physical relationship allways complicates things, but "love" transends the purely physical, it is an exchange of the soul.

However I think this debate isn't really about love as much as it is about issues of property, ownership and jealousy.

For it is these feelings involving jealousy in paticular that get in the way of love. Especially important; yet not limited, to polyamorus relationships.

Many make the mistake of thinking it is thier love for an individual that makes them jealous of anothers affection for thier beloved.

This is a classic mistake and leads many relationships into a downward spiral.

It is in fact the jealous persons own greed to control the object of thier affections desires that is the root of this problem. Weather it is a jealousy of: ones profession, or another lover, or even a childs attentions, makes no difference, except to the preceptions of what the individual is willing to accept in each circumstance.

This is especially true in the relationship dynamics that take place between dominants and submissives.

[Dea Menrfa]

Excellent post... I agree whole heartedly.

Hmmm... *pulls up the comfy recliner and curls up for a good think*

There is no simple way to answer this one. In my little slice of time as a thinkng and loving member of the human race, I have loved a small number of times. "In love?" That's an even smaller number. Love overlaps easily for me, however. I find affection for people in places and for reasons that confuse other people and partners. I enjoy finding what it is in all sorts of people that is worthy of being loved. I don't believe that by giving love I take it away from anyone else, as I do not believe we have a finite amount of it to offer by any means.

"In love," on the other hand... Being in love, to me, is a very singular devotion. It is this way because to fall in love for me is to want to give my life to my partner and that I only have one of. I cannot, in both a vanilla and in a BDSM sense, serve more than a single Master. How could I? If the time were to come when both called me to come to them, when both asked of me to be of service, I could only go to one and that one would be the one that I serve in the depths of my being. I can understand and entertain poly, and could even make it through a life practicing it, I suppose, assuming that the depth of the truth would never be probled far enough to reveal that only one or neither of my loves were the stuff of my ultimate affection.

I believe in the one.

[alpha_Straye]

...
Oz is right: having one child after another doesn't mean you love the second or third one any less and it doesn't mean that love is taken from the first either. However, time gets divided, so do resources. Eventually there will come a point where the kids cannot be taken care of or loved because there just isn't time or money or whatever in the day to do so. At that point you can feel all the damn love you want for the kids, but are they feeling it from you??

Thats a very interesting analogy. Do families with many children have children who feel unloved and uncared for? i wouldnt know from experience but from hearsay ive usually been given the impression that large families often feel very loved.. even if their time one on one with one person in the family is less than only child families. From what little ive seen, the older children help take care of the younger children and they all go play together etc. i think it becomes a family about the all of them rather than a family all about getting one parents affection as if that were the only source. Whereas an only child is often off alone and lonely and therefore truely needs their parents time and attention alot more.

So to follow the analogy along, from the point of veiw of an only child, thinking they will get only less, dividing what little they get into ever smaller piles, a large family sounds like a bum deal. And yet ive seen many people from large families look quietly pitying at someone when they discover they were an only child.

hmm... well, food for thought. *smile*

[Missi]

Excuse me if this sounds rude- because I'm not trying to be. Nothing is wrong with the way people want to live their lives- if they both agree to it. But here is my personal opinion.

I think true, undying love, means loving only that one person. . . I think it's impossible to truly be in love with two people at a time. You can appreciate and like characteristics of each- but I think REAL TRUE BLUE love, is one person.

That's just me though.

[DowntownAmber]

Thats a very interesting analogy. Do families with many children have children who feel unloved and uncared for? i wouldnt know from experience but from hearsay ive usually been given the impression that large families often feel very loved.. even if their time one on one with one person in the family is less than only child families. From what little ive seen, the older children help take care of the younger children and they all go play together etc. i think it becomes a family about the all of them rather than a family all about getting one parents affection as if that were the only source. Whereas an only child is often off alone and lonely and therefore truely needs their parents time and attention alot more.

So to follow the analogy along, from the point of veiw of an only child, thinking they will get only less, dividing what little they get into ever smaller piles, a large family sounds like a bum deal. And yet ive seen many people from large families look quietly pitying at someone when they discover they were an only child.

hmm... well, food for thought. *smile*

The point is not that a small family can provide more love than a large (or that a monagamous relationship provides more focus and attention than a poly), simply that we all need to find a size and number that is manageable to us and fair to the others involved. For some folks, one child is too much because the parent has a career and other concerns etc. and their priorities are other than the care of that single entity. Hell, for some people a friggin' parakeet is too much to cope with! Same situation with romantic relationships - there are certainly enough examples of singularly paired couples that break up because one or the other insn't invested deeply enough. In the case of large families or poly relationships, it's the same deal - if you can deal with the situation without anyone feeling slighted, super. However, if your kids are going hungry and haven't seen you for days; or your third significant other hasn't managed to get you in bed all month because Number Two blows you first and then you fall asleep, well, there might be an issue... :rollseyes:

The number is not the point, the point is that we simply need to realize how much we all can comfortably bite off and chew.

[Borgs_slave]

It is also a myth that all people in a poly family interact sexually with each other. Poly doesn't mean threesomes, it means a group of people that work together as a unit or family. Love isn't required for a monogamous D/s relationship and is not required for everyone in a poly family. I served a dominant couple for many years and was only property of the male dominant and only served him sexually. I didn't have sex or think about having it with the others. That is not what I was expected to do. That is why people communicate expectations before getting involved.

People often make sweeping generalizations they can't prove when they don't understand something. You should check out www.lovingmore.com and gain some insight before making judgments that you have not basis or facts of. Yes absolutes and one true wayism ways of thinking usually do piss me off. Poly isn't everyone running around being sexual with everyone else in the family. It isn't threesomes and sharing. it is a family unit that sets their own standards for what it is that is expected by all family members involved.

Poly isn't for everyone and those that don't understand shouldn't make falsehoods about those that live just because they really don't understand it. There are more myths about poly than the actual truth. Everyone has the ability to make their own choice about how they want to live their lives.

[Borgs_slave]

I think whether you feel positively towards the idea of Polyamory in your own life, or not, is just fine. It's unfortunate that some people feel the need to criticize others' lifestyles, though, and apply their personal morality to others.

It's precisely that type of thinking, that disapproving of others' mutually-consenting sexuality, that leads bdsm people to need to be anonymous on forums like this. And yet even some of us are doing it! Makes me very sad.

I agree.

[claire]

It is also a myth that all people in a poly family interact sexually with each other. Poly doesn't mean threesomes, it means a group of people that work together as a unit or family. Love isn't required for a monogamous D/s relationship and is not required for everyone in a poly family. I served a dominant couple for many years and was only property of the male dominant and only served him sexually. I didn't have sex or think about having it with the others. That is not what I was expected to do. That is why people communicate expectations before getting involved.

.... Poly isn't everyone running around being sexual with everyone else in the family. It isn't threesomes and sharing. it is a family unit that sets their own standards for what it is that is expected by all family members involved.

Thank-you this was my impression of poly households. I was just trying to explain why for me it would not work. And again I apologize to anyone who I offended or whose feelings I hurt. I was trying not to be judgemental. The only person who can judge these things is the individual for themself.