This is much better. Very hot and picturesque if I may say that for a story which happens mostly in the dark.

You prose is still over abundant. Of course, it is a matter of style but please remember: a flashy phase should have some purpose and not just sound good. Too many of them and too many details and the scene becomes watered down and fuzzy.

One of the more difficult things is: knowing what is important and what are the best expressions for the particular scene are. THAT brings the scene into focus.

Your next assignment is coming up