Sadly, having is often not as good as wanting. Your husband fantasized that domination meant that he could do whatever, whenever, and that life would be a playground full of exciting sex without effort or consequence. It's never that simple. There is a little secret hidden away in the background that isn’t always obvious to the casual observer. That secret is that dominant isn’t actually the one in charge….

Your husband has discovered that it takes a great deal of effort to control and satisfy a true submissive. Think about it … he has to decide when to set things up for playtime; he has to arrange to have all the toys present; he has to plan or at least improvise the what’s going to happen; he has to stay in role during the entire session and there’s more. It’s an intense and demanding task, being a dominant. He has to create the entire scenario and then play it out for the submissive every time. Compare that to what the submissive has to do.

The submissive has only to give up control of her body and allow her mind to become one with the moment. She lets the experience come to her. She is the one being dominated. She doesn’t have to actually do anything! In a healthy relationship, she even has the ultimate power of saying stop when things get to be too intense. It’s up to the dominant to watch her reactions closely so as to bring her to the desired emotional state. He really can’t abandon himself completely as the submissive does. By definition, he has to dominate his own emotions even more than he does the submissive’s. He has to remain in control.

Many beginner Doms find that they ultimately come up short of that sort of responsibility, management skills, and showmanship once the giddy thrill of making the first whip strike fades. It gets to be more work than thrill, more trouble than it’s worth. We’re not talking about a brute that beats up his girlfriend whenever he gets drunk. No, we’re talking about what is required of a successful dominant engaged long term in these games, one that also has to live in the real world when the lights go back up.

The little secret of BDSM is that the submissive is the one in charge. If she doesn’t get what she wants out of the deal then she’ll pick up and go away. That’s ultimate power.

Don’t blame your husband for fading on you here. Most do, especially in a marriage situation. Marriage combined with BDSM is like expecting the magician’s helper to always be thrilled and amazed by the master’s illusions while at the same time expecting the master to come up with new tricks every night. That’s a difficult thing to keep going over the life of a marriage. This may be why the majority of both doms and subs are single: they need to be free to move on when the thrill fades.

Don’t get me wrong; there are many examples of married couples that somehow manage to pull together in combined total BDSM happiness. It’s just that there are far more who don’t. It’s just the way it is. Everyone is human.

Best wishes to you both. -- KB