On the original question: I went through a crisis of conscience like yours twice in my life. The first time was in my teens. I've known as far back as I can remember that I got that special excitement from scenes of bondage, slavery or torture in books or movies, but when I was young I didn't much mind if I saw myself as the top or bottom. In my teens I got a lot more focussed on fantasies of dominating and abusing girls, and I did sometimes worry that I was going to grow up to be a sex murderer: but I could usually get over it by reminding myself that I could also get off on being the victim.

Fast forward through a couple of decades of happy B&D with several girlfriends and a wife, to a time where that marriage had broken down to the point where my sex life was once again 99% fantasy; and as tends to happen in such situations, my fantasies were getting increasingly brutal and dehumanised. At this time I was also becoming a serious follower of the Goddess: and one night the two influences collided, and I felt that the Lady threw a cold look over all my ideas of abusing women, and said "You stop that NOW."

So I did. You don't argue with your Deity when She puts her foot down. For a year or so I got by on sub fantasies, until I had a visit from a Wiccan fuckbuddy who I'd always assumed was vanilla, and out of the blue she asked me to tie her up and spank her. At which point I decided she was a messenger of forgiveness, and I went back to tying and beating women with a will - first in imagination, and shortly afterwards married a militant feminist masochistic slavegirl.

Like a lot of people who've answered you, my basic reassurance about myself comes from the fact that I'm not a bit interested in the sort of weak-willed woman that a real abuser would home in on, someone who could be bullied and manipulated into letting me hurt her. My ideal sub is a strong self-willed woman whose submission is valuable because it comes from love and trust. You can't give yourself if you don't own yourself.