I will probably end up giving a complete bash of this parts. Sometimes my time and connection are as reliable as cliches adding to a story.

Anyhoooooooo...

Quote Originally Posted by Horatio Palmer View Post
The Last Drop

I never knew why she had broken one of the capital rules. Didn’t she know what would happen if she were caught? It was probably just inexperience- the bravura of youth. Maybe she thought she’d get away with it. She was only twenty one.
I'm not sure if the choppy sentences were on purpose or not, but I don't really care for them here. Also, how many times are you goinna use "she" in one paragraph?

I was sitting in my office playing Solitaire on the computer when Lydia walked in. She held in her hand, a file.
Okay, I get the importance that you were trying to bring to the file but the order of wording was not happy making.

“I’ve got a job for you.”
“Ooh, someone’s been a naughty girl. Who was it, Sasha?”
“No, Lana Mills.”
“Lana Mills, Lana Mills… Isn’t she one of the new ones?”
“Uh huh.”
“What’s she done?”
“It’s serious.”
“How serious?”
“She ran away from her master and eloped with one of his friends. It‘s a capital offence.”
“Oh Christ! No! What age is she?”
“I’ll leave her dossier with you. Have a read of it.”
“When’s the date set?”
“Tomorrow. Her lashing is today.”
“What time?”
“Four.” I opened Lana’s dossier and staring at me was her profile. My eyes glanced at her date of birth and I did the sum in my head.
"did the sum" doesn't really work. Okay, I hate when people use the word "did" in sentences like this. You should "work out" the math or "add the two, carry the four and divide the difference by pi" but never "did". It really is crap. It goes along with the term "undid" and should be put out in a pasture and shot. How about glancing at the date of birth and figuring her age? It's so much easier. Also, the "sum" doesn't work. Sometimes your style gets in your way. Remember K.I.S.S.

“Lydia, she’s only twenty one!”
“And?”
“It’s her first offence for fuck sake, you can’t hang a twenty one year old. It isn’t right.”
“She was perfectly aware of the rules. Am I to take it that you’re questioning orders from above? That’s a lashing offence.”
“Oh yeah, I’m going to flog myself now aren‘t I?”
“No. I’ll be the one doing it if you keep it up.”
I wouldn't mind a few inflections so I could get to know the Lydia. You know, get to see if she is a bitch or playful. Just a few inflections, if you will. Maybe a "she said" thrown in along the way. You said you wanted to have a throw at dialog(ue) and that is a part of it. So, gimme a lil!

I leaned back on my chair and perused Lana’s file. There were naked pictures of her from every angle. I suppose my file was the same. She was an amazing looking girl- perfect figure, porcelain skin and one thing that really caught my attention was her deep green eyes, draped over with a wisp of jet black hair. They had a hypnotic quality- like green pools you almost felt like drowning in. I read on.
Do you like hyphens? I like hyphens. But not as much as you do. Also, the sentence in red has no flow. It feels akward and drawn out.

Naked pictures are good since most pictures don't where clothing. You can be more fluid and more interesting in going over the pictures. I've seen you write with more style than this. You seem to go stylistic at the wrong times and then get sophomoric in the least likely places.

I suggest changing hte order of this paragraph. Peruse the file, note how lovely she is from the photographs within. In particular, note how piercing her eyes are - they are so piercing that you "almost felt like drowning" in a cliche.


One of the “commando’s” reports detailed the events of the arrest. Apparently the operation was smooth. The team had broken into the house where Lana and her paramour were holed up. They simply shot him in the head, drugged her and bundled her into a car.
"rugged and bundled" might work pretty well. You do throw in extra words from time to time.

By the time anyone else knew what had happened, the Gulfstream was thirty seven thousand feet over the Atlantic on the way back to England. It was a textbook operation.
The reason Lydia had thrown the file on my desk was that I was the “punisher”.
Boooooooring. I can almost hear some poindexter handing this last sentence off.

If one of our girls broke the rules, they’d be taken down to the “theatre” and I’d give them fifty lashes with the cat of nine tales
Get out those hyphens for the "cat" and get rid of the "f" - "cat-o-nine-tails" if I am not mistaken.

Depending on the girl, the theatre could be packed. I never liked the job, but someone had to do it. If I’m honest, the only reason I stayed was for the money. I had a little bit of a gambling problem a few years back and lost a lot of money. A woman approached me one day. Told me that if I came and worked for them, not only would they pay off my debt but pay me a pretty salary. In essence, they made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.
Wow, this would be an excellent time to bring in your stylistic charm and write so this isn't such a drag. By the way, the woman who approached this guy...how did she know of his troubles?

Well, let's see how you can string this paragraph together with fewer sentences and a bit more style.

Checking the cheap clock on the wall, I noticed it was twenty to four. Time to get cracking so to speak.

The theatre was in one of the towers and so was a circular room. A ten foot wooden pole stood in the centre of the room and the floor was surrounded by tiered rows of seats.
I bet you can combine a couple sentences and make this sound better, using the word "room" only once.

I stood down in the arena and looked up.
Yeah, that's akward. Standing down can mean no longer standing at attention - dropping his guard - it's not a good way to start this. Also, I've noticed you have a tendancy to be passive as hell.

"Standing in the arena's center I looked up ito the surrounding seats."

Only Lydia was present in the “crowd”. God damn her, hadn’t she anything else to do? This young girl would have enough on her plate without being made a spectacle. Couldn’t Lydia afford her a touch of dignity?
Okay, so Lydia is a bit sadistic. I think more of her personality could be brought into this a bit sooner. Also, why does Lydia being there make things more of a spectacle? I don't get that a bit.

For some reason, the rules demanded that I wear a mask over my eyes. That was kept in my locker where all the other equipment was stored. I took out everything I needed- ropes, collar, whip and mask. I didn’t have any special outfit for the job, just the standard club uniform; a crisp white shirt and a short black skirt- the same as all the other girls wore.
The black rubber mask was tiny- little bigger than a large pair of glasses. It felt tight and I didn’t know why. Had my head expanded? I checked everything and marched into the arena to wait.
Hold on Sparky! We just went down the road to boredom in a big, bad, nasty way.
For starters, this should have been a different paragraph since it had nothing to do with the arena. Also, if you are going to get into a list of shit like this you had better be prepared to say it in a far more interesting manner. Oh, I almost forgot - another hyphen. Oh, and his head needs to go on a diet. If this is for later you need to bring some sort of tone so we know it will be used. For now, this sounds like useless drivel in the story. Ho hum.

It wasn’t long before they brought the girl in. She was flanked by two wardens, not unattractive muscular girls that could take on the average man in a fight and win. The girls hands were cuffed in front of her, chained to her shackled ankles. I’d seen other girls cry at the thought of their flogging but this one, with her demise imminent, stood tall and impassive.
Okay, it wasn't loing before she was brought in, but it sure was a dull wait. You are sooooooooooo passive. This is the moment of truth and "it wasn't long", "she was flanked", hands were cuffed", stood tall and impassive"...hmm, impassive. "Flanking her were two wardens, attractive and muscular...and other cool stuff. All of your sentences don't have to be immediate. It wouldn't work well that way. Unfortunately, every sentence is passive. This gal, I get the impression that there was somethign regal about her. Make me see this queen of slaves. Bring her to life.

The wardens roughly unlocked her bindings and brutally tore her clothes off.
Change the order of this sentence and adjust your adjectives...or is it adverbs? Start this with "Roughly" and then consider if clothes can really be torn off in a brutal manner. I think another adverb might be better put.

It was time for me to get to work. Gingerly, (really?)
I fastened the collar around her neck and led her to the pole where I chained one of the rings of the collar to a hoop, fastening her neck in place. I pressed her tightly against the pole, the shaft between her firm breasts, and tied her legs to the base with some rope. A hook jutted out on the other side of the post just above her head. A fastened the leather cuffs around her wrists and hung the chain from the hook, hoisting her hands above her. With my longest length of rope, I wrapped it around her waist and tied it tightly. I could see the rope digging into her pale, goose pimpled flesh- I suppose some things couldn’t be helped. Once I was sure she was secure, I began.
It took you forever to get to non-passive moments. When you did finally go in for the action it was at the end of the sentences - every stinking time. Start with some action...liven it up. And, come on, this guy is gonna wail on her and he is worried about a little rope burn? He should be more worried about where he hits her. It didn't work for me here. Not in the least. You need to come up with a better way to show concern. After all, he is worried about her imminent death. Perhaps he should make her suffering even worse so she might be more likely to be shown mercy.

I really have to hand it to her. With each sharp blow I delivered she did not whimper once. Only the cuts and welts on her back belied her pain.
This is so weak I am surprised your fingers didn't break when the words came out. Say this better. I've seen you do so - with less words, even.

I personally felt that a flogging would be enough for this girl. She knew the pain of disobedience and with one so young, she was unlikely to do it again. Still, I thought as I delivered the final crack, it wasn’t up to me.
Did you fall asleep at the wheel? Two "she"s in one confusing sentence. Finally, the last sentence was crap.


Okay - I have to get moving. I will try to review the rest of this in a few days. Hold on to your ass, Horation, 'cause I have a lot of bitching to do.

Hasta for now,
Dean