Trinty96,

As someone with a good deal of experience in the lifestyle my own views about what others choose to do is tempered by the fact that I do not make value judgments. This is because my own experiences have greatly expanded my sense of what is right or wrong when it comes to expressing sexuality. So I won’t express an opinion about whether you playing online or even offline for that matter would be regarding as “cheating”. The lifestyle is not really about sexual, even though sexual expression and exploration is a part of it.

That being said, I do of course sympathize with your situation. I know that many people come to learn about and become interested in the lifestyle after they have already married or become partnered in a committed vanilla relationship with someone who has no interest in being involved in D/s. Once a person becomes interested in exploring this, they often become aware that it isn’t just a want but a real need to express themselves in a power exchange environment. The fact that they are in a good vanilla relationship that they don’t wish to compromise really makes their situation complicated.

As a Dom, I might consider a relationship with a female submissive that was in your situation but only if she were willing to be open about it with her vanilla partner. This is because of several reasons. I think she would feel better about it without having to struggle with the very issue you raised. You shouldn’t have to feel you are cheating. If you know you have this need and your husband can’t or isn’t interested in meeting it, then I would just be open with him and explain that this something you “need” to feel fulfilled. I don’t feel that you need his permission, but you do I think need to tell him about your needs. To what degree you choose to share with him exactly what you will be doing is up to you and up to how much you believe he could feel comfortable knowing about. I know this is not easy because it is pretty easy to imagine that many men would not at all be comfortable with the idea and might feel jealous. But as Ragoczy pointed out, the issue is not only about how you feel but how your husband would feel if you didn’t discuss this with him and somehow he found out you were engaging in online play with someone else. That could be very damaging to a relationship that you clearly want to continue. Once you have been open and honest with him, I think you have fulfilled your responsibility and then you are free to choose what you will do.

Given your situation, I think if you decide to have your needs fulfilled online you might consider just casual play rather than forming a relationship with one Dom. You have to consider that even online, real feelings are likely to develop and that could further complicate things for you. I have also known many people who started out believing that they could be satisfied with online D/s but the more they learned and explored, the more they found themselves wanting to experience it in real life. Should you develop those feelings, I’m sure it would be even less likely your husband would consent to that and it really could compromise your relationship with him.

I’m sure I have not really answered your question and likely have only given you more to think about, but this is a serious issue, and ultimately only you can decide what is right or wrong for you.

In2kink