[rant] [polyamory & D/s] Rejection sucks!

[Hime]

So last weekend I met a guy at a club, and I thought that we really clicked. Specifically, I was really excited by him in a Dominant way -- as I was talking to him, I couldn't help thinking about having him as my submissive. I wanted him sitting at my feet naked, not sitting at the next bar stool, you know? He really seemed to like me, and insisted on giving me a hug when I left. Then today, I found out through a mutual friend that he's married, which kind of ruined my whole day...

I'm still sort of working on why I feel so upset about this guy, and what I keep coming back to is the thought that my drive for power exchange is a lot stronger and more complicated than my drive for sex. For instance, I don't mind going for a week or two without sex, but going for that long without any kind of D/s interaction makes me feel like I'm neglecting something important. By "D/s interaction" I don't mean anything intense or complicated, necessarily, just something like scolding my gf over IM or kneeling down to rub my Master's feet. And increasingly, it seems like I also have a really strong drive to do *new* power exchange things, that is, new to me. I feel like there's all this stuff in my head that I'm still figuring out, all these weird little nooks and crannies to explore.

The funny thing is, while I don't think I have crazy high standards for who I would be interested in having sex with, there are very few people who have really illuminated those little nooks and crannies for me in a D/s way. It's a little bit hard to explain, and I don't know if this is common within the BDSM community or if it's just my own little oddness, but a person can be attractive to me in one of three ways: talking to them might make me want to submit to them right away, or try to dominate them right away, or just think they're attractive and not have any particular ideas about what kinds of things I'd like to do with them. The third is by far the most common, and the least, well, motivating to me. The other two are pretty rare for me, especially in certain circumstances. What makes this relevant to this post is that, despite the fact that I'm extremely curious about the idea of being with a submissive man, it's extremely rare for me to find a guy who actually makes my dominant side feel all tingly and curious. And, well, this guy did.

And I know, because I am on collarme and get messages from male subs all the time, that it wouldn't be hard for me to find someone to play around with F/m stuff with, but without that really visceral attraction, it wouldn't be exploring my curiosities, it would just be like an academic exercise on stuff you can do with a guy who likes being hit. Which doesn't really do much for me. I don't want to dominate someone just because I happen to have a dominant side and they happen to have a submissive side -- or vice versa, for that matter. I want it to be an organic part of the dynamic that develops between me and another person. And I know that isn't going to happen again for a long time, which is frustrating because I have all these things I want to try and questions about what it would be like, and I feel like I can't stop poking at the curiosity until it's satisfied.

Plus, I have to admit that part of me is just frustrated by yet again losing out to monogamy, an institution that I can't hope to understand. That's not me asking anyone to try to explain monogamy to me -- I can grasp plenty of reasons for it on an intellectual level, but it's not a choice I can imagine making for myself, and I feel a little bit of dissonance with the concept because it is just so not-me. So getting the "thanks, but I'm monogamous" response for me sort of combines rejection and incomprehension in a way that makes my head hurt. So, grrr all around, really.

[traveler77]

Good evning-- I found your comments very interesting. I am very very new to this scene. I'm not sure I really know what I am looking for. I have long thought I would want to be dominated by a female, probably one that was a bit older. I think of being made to do things for her, even to the extent of fondling another male submissive. To be frank, Having never experienced such an actvity I don't know where I would draw the line. Its one of those cases of having a desire but not sure if the desire is strong enough.

I belive that being under the command of a lady would be an interesting and exciting experience. I would like to be bound and perhaps gagged, gagged by a pair of panties or similar such intimate garment. CBT or other punishemnt seems exciting. I have experienced a little of that and found it very stimulating I can see myself doing minial (probably not spelled right) work for her.

As I said , I am quite new to the idea of activily pursuing getting together with a dominate for either conversation and or actual experience. I am older, probably a lot older than many that will rspond to you. I am not married, I was for more than 50 years unbtil my wife died. My intersts and desires have been my fantasy since she had no interest in such actvity. I have not been "simon pure" all these years but have been very discreet. It took a great deal of inner push to respond to your message -- I hope I will at least hav a response that will tell me if this is a direction I should be exploring.

[rsjankowski]

To Hime

think the concept is a little hard to understand for a lot of people who enter in to a monagamus relationship such as marriage and then realize it's not for them either. thus the world is full of people who have been divorced at least once and left behind people who can understand the concept but can't understand why their significant other has left them feeling rejected and hurt beyond measure. i'm kinda on that other side and have felt the pain of what i would call living through the ultimate rejections. right now i'm on my second marriage and it seems to have fallen to a seperation even though its still monogamus union.

[Hime]

traveller, I'm sending you a PM.

rsjankowski, I'm sorry marriage hasn't worked out so well for you.

[MollysMaster]

Hime,

Just because you are in a monogamous relationship doesn't mean you can't open up your non-sexual desires to another. With polyamory, you are not replacing you primary partner, but adding another element. It allows you to explore those feelings with someone new. Just being with someone new is part of the excitement. It may even help you find desires you didn't realize you had.

[Hime]

Hime,

Just because you are in a monogamous relationship doesn't mean you can't open up your non-sexual desires to another. With polyamory, you are not replacing you primary partner, but adding another element. It allows you to explore those feelings with someone new. Just being with someone new is part of the excitement. It may even help you find desires you didn't realize you had.

Did you read my post? My husband and I have been poly for about a year now. So far it's working out very well. I'm just complaining about other people being monogamous and not wanting to have sex with me.

[Ozme52]

[MollysMaster]

My bad! lol. I have found that I have had to involve my wife in some of my escapades. She will either talk to or text to "give permission" because mainstream thinking says - that can't be possible.

As far as you being turned down...never turn down the willing

[fetishdj]

Polyamoury, as I am sure you are aware, is a potnetial minefield of misunderstandings and hurt feelings and does need to be handled carefully. Its a shame that he did not wanr to play (or maybe his wife did not want to let him play) but you did the right thing in respecting that, however much you didn't like it.

It is, as already stated, difficult to find someone who understands truly (on an emotional level as well as an intellectual level) that you can have BDSM without sex or that you can have BDSM or sex with someone you do not love in the same way as you love your life partner. I understand this on an intellectual level and yet I think I would still get the emotional jealous reaction if a partner of mine was with someone else. Sod it, I know I do as I get jealous when she talks to other men never mind sleep with them... I just hide it well..